March 24, 2009

In a Perfect World. . .

Three-year olds who are taken to Chuckie Cheese for an afternoon with a good friend would reward you with an afternoon of peace, not screaming and tantrums reminiscent of something out of The Exorcist.
A landscaping and yard care company would show up at my door and offer to re-seed my yard for free, just because my yard looks that bad and they feel sorry for me. (Plus, I will totally review your services online. No seriously, email me. For real.)
A patio company would also show up and offer to install a beautiful paver patio complete with a fire pit and water features, also for free. See the statement above. Email me. Seriously. Free advertising people.
I wouldn't have to stop taking my allergy meds for five days before being tested, therefore rendering myself almost as miserable as a certain 3-year old. You know you have some serious allergy issues when your tongue itches so badly that you have to scratch it with your teeth.
Tile floors would clean themselves.
I would have someone who could come to my house on a daily basis to blow dry the back of my hair to make it look the way my arms just can't.
My kids would realize that I am not a short order chef and would just gratefully eat what's put in front of them.
The three brownies I shoved down my throat to help me cope with the whining and screaming kid would be eaten by stress and not on their way to become butt fat.
People would pay their damn bills and the phone company would stop giving me the leftover phone numbers from people who are wanted by creditors. For the final time, Luis Ramos does NOT live here and I really wish you would stop calling me at all hours of the day despite the fact that I've told you 5000 times that no one lives here by that name, and take my name off your list already, etc. etc. etc. (I think I need another brownie). And here I thought I was rid of this problem when I ditched my last phone number.
Grumpy, moody three-year-olds would wake up happy after a two hour nap.
I would have started karate when I was a lot younger.
I would have gotten to Shodan at least, before injuring myself with a confidence shattering injury that continues to stack the challenges in front of me and make them seem even more insurmountable.
Students would turn their assignments in on time and not try to make me feel guilty for not accepting their assignments.
Children would close the exterior door when they come inside instead of leaving it wide open for like two hours. It's good polar bears aren't native to this area; however, I fully expect a squirrel to run across my bed tonight while I'm trying to sleep.
My grass would stand up and fight instead of admitting defeat and laying down to die.
Mom's wouldn't be the only ones who have to remember that their kid had a hair appointment today. . . two hours after it was supposed to happen. This is the second time this has happened. My brain is obviously too full of crap to keep track of everything.
When you start Monday off on the wrong foot, you'd be able to recover by Tuesday instead of having to declare the week a total fail already.