December 10, 2007
Am I Allowed to Wear Underwear and Other Stupid Stuff
I’m sitting here today waiting for the hospital to call me so I can get my surgery officially scheduled. Then I can start the arrangements and start lining up family members to take care of the girls, and most importantly, make me food and bring me my pain meds.
I felt great all weekend long and actually slept. I felt relieved that I’ll be having the surgery. I honestly think the surgeon broke scar tissue loose or something on Friday because all the progress I made at PT over the past few weeks seems to be gone. My knee is wobblier than ever. Last night the insomnia started again. It usually goes something like this:
I climb into bed and get all my pillows situated around my knee and say my nightly prayers. I always start out praying for other people, before I get around to myself. Last night I finished up my prayers by asking for the surgery to go well and have no complications and that it gets me back to normal, that I’ll be able to make it through the first week of bad pain. . .
And then my mind starts to wander. . .
I really want a femoral nerve block, but they have to do it right at the bikini line. I don’t want a bunch of people staring at my bikini line. That’s too close to my "business." Maybe I should just not get a nerve block. I wonder if they’ll let me keep my underwear on. I really hope they do. If they don’t, that’s going to really suck. I’ll be unconscious, practically naked, with all these people around. What if the surgeon lifts my knee up and sees my butt? I don’t want anyone to see my butt. Why wouldn’t they let me keep underwear on? I mean, it’s not like they’re operating on my private parts. What if they put a urinary catheter in though? If they do that I can’t wear underwear. Oh my God, what if they put a catheter in! Wait, I’m not allowed to eat or drink anything, so that’s probably not an issue, me having to pee while in surgery right? I won’t need a catheter. . . but what if I do?
What if I wake up and I still have a drain in my knee? He said he might send me home with a drain in my knee if there’s lots of blood. How is there NOT going to be lots of blood? I mean, it’s knee surgery. If there’s a drain in my knee, there’s no way I’m going home like that only to have to go the next day to the doctor’s office to get it taken out. I’ll just stay overnight.
What if I do stay overnight and I have a horrible roommate? What if my roommate listens to CNN all night long and coughs a lot or poops his pants or something and it smells and I throw up? That will be awful. What if I throw up from seeing a drain in my knee? Oh my God, that would be AWFUL! Maybe I don’t want to stay overnight, but maybe I should stay overnight. Maybe they’ll give me my own room. I doubt it though because when my dad had his surgery, he had roommates once he got moved out of ICU.
This is stupid. You need to calm yourself down and just go to sleep. Nothing bad is going to happen. If your dad can have a craniotomy and be o.k., you can have knee surgery and be o.k. And who cares about the underwear thing. . . I mean, really. They’ve seen it all right? Ok, count or something. Yes, let’s count sheep. One, two, three, four, five. . .
I wonder if I’ll ever be able to jump again like those sheep?
Six, seven, eight, nine, ten
Ten is probably the number they’ll tell me to start counting at when they’re putting me to sleep.
Oh God. I hope I don’t get sick from the anesthesia. I hope I have a very experienced person who is on top of his/her game. I hope the people don’t talk about me while they’re operating on me. What if I can still hear them? What if I can feel what they’re doing but can’t move and tell them? I’m definitely getting the nerve block for that very reason. . .
Ok, better start over with the sheep. Relax, relax, relax, go to sleep.
One, two, three. . .
See what I mean? It is EXHAUSTING having the brain that I have.
Edited to add: It’s official. The 17th it is. Now I just have to wait for a report time.
December 9, 2007
Blogsitting
I am blogsitting over at IzzyMom today, with a super holiday gift suggestion for the little "princess" in your life. Go and read. I’m busy working on my fantasy football line-up.
Playoffs baby, oh yeah!
December 7, 2007
The Verdict Is In
No sense in building up to it. I’m having ACL reconstruction surgery in 10 days. You’re probably not going to believe this, and the feeling probably won’t last long, but I actually feel better now. I know the plan; I know how long it will be before I can go back to karate (too long). I also know that I’m looking at a good six months of physical therapy which will start just two days post-surgery. That should be fun.
The surgeon and I talked about options, like waiting and trying PT a little longer (which neither of us felt was going to do anything to help my stability problem), injecting the knee to see if part of the problem is inflammation inside the knee (which he thought would just come back in another month anyway), or just going for it and fixing it.
He said that if I just wanted to play volleyball once a year at the beach, he’d tell me to let it go for a while; but that’s not what I want. I was going to karate classes two-three times a week before, plus working out at home on off days. The route to getting back there is going to suck, but at least I know that this way, I will get back there.
I decided to have an allograft (donor graft) because it’s an easier recovery. I won’t have to worry about additional pain from a graft site (patellar tendon or hamstring). Plus, I saw the graft retrieving part in the surgery video and yeech, no thank you. I asked the surgeon how many incisions I would have and how big they would be. He whipped out a pen, pulled up my pant leg and went to work. As seen below, I’ll have small incisions above and below the knee off to the sides. There are also two teeny dots there right below the knee cap for the scope and other fun stuff that we won’t discuss because I’ll get queasy. The surgeon said his pen slipped a bit on that bottom line, and that it won’t be that long. I just hope the scalpel doesn’t slip. Yikes!
Before I left I made sure that it’s not like Grey’s Anatomy or anything. I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t going to have some shaky-handed intern taking the "wheel" once I’m out. He assured me that there’s not a medical show on TV that is realistic and that no students will be touching me. Silly questions to him, but asking him and getting them answered relieved me like you wouldn’t believe.
Next week, I go meet with the anesthesiologist. I’m going to ask him/her to do a femoral nerve block as well as the general anesthesia. From what I hear, numb for the first day is good. The surgeon is booking me a night at the "inn," which I can use if I want or I can just go home right after, depending on how I’m feeling.
The only thing that is really bumming me out is that the day after surgery is Big I’s school Christmas show. I’m guessing that I will not be able to make it, and that sucks. But pushing the surgery off another week means surgery on Christmas Eve. I figured Big I would rather have me miss her show and be functional on Christmas than the other way around. She was a little upset about it and doesn’t want me to have surgery at all; but I convinced her that the camcorder version of her singing will be just as good as being there in person and she can give me a private show at home.
I’ve been told by many that the week of surgery is going to be rough, so I’ve arranged for some guest posters to fill in and keep things interesting around here. I might pop in to say hello and give you an update if I’m feeling up to it. If not I’ll have Mr. BBM hijack my blog and let you know how whiny I’m being.
I just want to take this opportunity to thank all of you for being so supportive and sweet. Your comments and emails have meant the world to me. Your encouragement and confidence in me simply blows me away.
***Go check out The BBM Review for your chance to win a new Baby Jamz toy!
December 6, 2007
Stupid is as Stupid does
In the interest of needing to know everything there is to know before my appointment with my surgeon tomorrow, I was doing a little "research" on the internet. I’ve read countless ACL surgery journals, warnings about not having the surgery, warnings to have the surgery, and have seen plenty of pictures that made me feel like I was going to pass out, come to, and go right back out again.
Do you recognize me? I’m the patient who comes to the appointment with 15 print-outs from the internet, medical studies, photos, personal accounts, and 138 questions, all of which I want answered in explicit detail. I’m the Need-To-Know-EVERYTHING girl, even when knowing everything will probably only makes me stress out worse.
In the interest of convincing myself that I don’t need to have surgery, I spent all day yesterday convincing myself that I could live with the irritation and discomfort. "Hey, look at that! I just turned and my knee didn’t give out. I’m still getting better. I don’t need the surgery."
It was then that I did something really dumb.
I was standing in the kitchen and I thought that I would slowly, carefully walk through a kata or two to see how it went. Would my knee feel stable? Would it hurt? I had to find out.
I made it through Nai Hanchi Shodan and Nidan just fine. Wansu was even o.k., if you keep in mind that I kept my stances short and didn’t have all the right angles in my legs. I thought I’d try Seisan. I was over confident, c-stepped and when I pulled my back foot up into stance, it felt like I left the lower part of my leg a foot behind me. It hurt so badly that I couldn’t even scream. My kids just stared at me as I stood there willing myself not to cry. The pain was excruciating.
There is absolutely no way I can return to the martial arts without having something done. If I can’t c-step, I can’t do kata. It’s just that simple. Would a brace be able to completely prevent that from happening? I just don’t see it.
Genius that I am, I did something else really dumb later in the night. Mr. BBM went to bed early and I was left alone with my computer and worry. When Project Runway was no longer on to distract me, I started googling again.
When I was newly pregnant with Big I, TLC’s Birth Story became my favorite show. I wanted to watch c-sections, natural deliveries, epidurals, and any possible complications. I wanted to be prepared for anything. Watching all those births made me realize that I wanted a natural delivery, and that’s just what I had, twice.
However, nothing could have prepared me for what I saw when I searched on YouTube for "ACL surgery." I made it through about 30 seconds before my stomach started reeling against the offending video. The surgeon was poking holes into a seemingly lifeless knee that made me equate it to carelessly punching holes in paper. The way they were moving his knee, how rough it looked, all the equipment and some poor guy with tubes sticking out of his mouth. . .I had to turn my head away and turn it off. I put my head in my hands and willed myself not to cry.
Seeing that disturbing footage put out there by a surgeon as he explained the surgery made me think about a line I heard while watching "Grey’s Anatomy." The residents were discussing Orthopedic surgery and equated it to carpentry. The person that wrote that line is so right. Knee surgery is like carpentry, and my leg is probably going to be the "wood."
When I was trying to think of a name for my blog, almost two years ago now, I contemplated "Green Belt Mama" because that’s what I was at the time. I thought about "Brown Belt Mama" because that’s where I was heading. Both of those titles though, were only a stop along the way for me. They didn’t have long-term go power. I kicked around the idea of "Karate Mama" as well, but settled on "Black Belt Mama" because that was my destination; and it had a catchiness that I liked and thought people would remember.
Lately I’ve been thinking that renaming my blog to "1st Kyu Forever" would be more fitting. This is going to be more than a dreaded layover at a crowded airport, or a temporary detour that gets you home 10 minutes later than usual. For now though, I’m going to try not to worry about all of that. Instead I’m just going to continue to stress about tomorrow. One hurdle at a time.
***The latest post is up at The BBM Review. If you’re looking for a good family movie to watch, go and check it out. Make sure you enter the Baby Jamz contest too.
December 5, 2007
Why Do We Care SO MUCH about Celebrity Butts?
In my next life, I am coming back as a man. Men don’t tear their ACL’s nearly as often as women do. Men don’t face the kind of scrutiny that Jennifer Love Hewitt is facing over her derriere.
Seriously, what is wrong with PEOPLE?
There is nothing that infuriates me more than when people take a female celebrity and start insulting her up and down because of a body part that is less than perfect. This certainly isn’t the first time. I know it won’t be the last time. News flash!!!!
NO ONE IS PERFECT! No one!
Unlike a lot of attacked celebrities, Jennifer Love-Hewitt has decided to speak up and I’m so glad she did. How I would LOVE to see the cellulite on those so critical of Love-Hewitt’s heiney; because I can pretty much guarantee you that those who are being critical have plenty of imperfections themselves.
In a society where eating disorders run rampant in the teenage population and beyond, news stories like this drive me insane. We have young girls getting nose jobs, botox injections, and subjecting themselves to all kinds of risky procedures to be more "beautiful" in the eyes of society. As the mother of two daughters, I am sick about how we dissect womens bodies every single day in the media. People need to realize that the gross majority of pictures in magazines are airbrushed, photo shopped and manipulated to make women look flawless. No one is flawless.
***When you calm down after reading this rant, be sure to visit The BBM Review. Leave a comment on the Baby Jamz post and you’re entered to win a new toy!
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