One
Dear Lil C,
One year ago tonight, I was just starting to hit the harder contractions after being in the hospital the entire day. Finally, at 1:05 am on October 4th, you, my beautiful baby girl, came into this world with your fist curled underneath your chin and my life was once again, turned completely upside down. In the months leading up to your birth I wondered to your daddy how we would love a second little girl as much as we already loved our first. I never could have imagined the amazing joy of becoming a parent for the second time, of becoming your very lucky Mama.
This year has been amazing, full of all those exciting firsts, and so full of love. You are adored by everyone who meets you. Your sister adores you completely, even during those moments when you knock all of her blocks over, or decide that one of her dolls makes a fine teether. One of your favorite things to do is run to the stairs, look back at me and your sister and say, "Go Up. Go. . go. . .go. . .go" as you crawl up the stairs as fast as you can, so that you can beat your sister to her room and get a prime location in front of her Cinderella vanity.
You are always up for a game of chase and tickle with your sister. She spent much of this year waiting anxiously for a chance to hold you, curl up with you on the sofa and stroke your little head. Now that you’re too busy for just lying around, your sister steals the cuddles where she can and often grabs you mid-step to give you a hug. Although often annoyed with these intrusive hugs, you sometimes return them with a wide open mouthed kiss that sends your sister into hysterics. Although there will be bumps in the road as you both grow, one thing that will never change is how much she loves you.
Recently, you have become very social and love to wave hello to perfect strangers, even cars that pass by as we wait for your sister at the bus stop or take a walk. If you’re unsure of someone though, you immediately lay your head down and grab hold tightly of my arm and shirt. I can’t help but love these moments, because it’s during these times that I’m able to truly cuddle you and hold you close. Those moments are becoming more and more rare since you’ve become an expert at walking, climbing, and getting into trouble.
You are easily able to climb up onto furniture now, and although you have no idea how to go down steps, your ease at going up completely amazes me. You are also no stranger to innovative thinking. The ottoman provides easy access to your port-a-crib and I fully expect to see you trying to dive into the crib within the next few weeks. When there isn’t a piece of furniture to assist you in your endeavors, you find other ways. Books make great stepping stools, and handfuls of Mama’s hair makes for great leverage. At this rate I’ll be bald before I ever get a gray hair.
Although you took your first three steps at about 8 1/2 months, you waited until September to start walking like a pro. I have to say that I was happy for the delay, because now you are unstoppable in your destructive adventures. Whether pulling all the DVD’s out of the cabinet, finding your way to the bathroom and shredding toilet paper, or dumping every single toy out of your port-a-crib, you do so with great enthusiasm. Often, on a return trip, you will hold one of your found "treasures" high above your head, swinging the other arm high above your head as well, and your daddy and I can’t help thinking that you would make the orangutans at the zoo very proud.
In recent weeks I have caught you "reading" to yourself and flipping pages with ease. Although in the beginning, only "Brown Bear, Brown Bear" would do, you have now expanded your reading tastes to include some of your sister’s books too, and Elmo is always a welcome treat. Speaking of Elmo, you adore Sesame Street and say "Elmo" with ease. I am hoping that all the hard work of turning our house into the backdrop for Elmo’s World this week is a hit with you at your party.
You seem to have an amazing grasp of language already. Your daddy and I were shocked when you sat up in bed last weekend, waved, and said "hi da". We were also amazed at your interest in the pantry closet’s contents, particularly the jars and bottles of spices. One of your favorite past-times is requesting that I open up the vanilla extract so that you can take a little sniff. A few weeks ago, after hearing me say it for the 100th time, you repeated back "wanilla" and I about fell over. Because I didn’t believe it myself, I called your daddy and let him listen to you repeat it over the phone. We laughed because you sounded so incredibly cute and you laughed too.
You’ve also become very proficient at baby signs and have decided that the sign for "more" applies to so much more than just food. Often, after reading you a book, you will look up with those big beautiful eyes and smile a little smile that shows how proud you are of yourself and tap your palm with your pointer finger. More stories please, and who could resist?
As I count down the hours until you turn one, I am a little sad that this first year is over, and that it has gone so fast. But I am also excited about what the coming year will bring. This year has been so much fun as I’ve watched your personality grow and blossom into this adorable and fun-loving little baby girl. You are so filled with joy and excitement when you do something new and have no problem giving yourself a round of applause, which sometimes turns into a spirited game of patty cake. Your smile, now with six teeth, has the ability to light up the room and especially my heart.
You are an incredible little miracle who has made my life so happy. I can’t wait to see what is yet to come.
Happy 1st Birthday! I love you with all my heart.
Love,
Mama
The Letter I Did Not Write
Filed under: Growing Pains
September 11, 2006
Dear "Mrs. M.",
"Big I" is my first child in school so I’m pretty new at this. I wasn’t sure what to do even though I strongly knew what I felt like doing. . .
. . . but I wanted to make you aware of what happened today. Big I had a problem on the bus. A girl named Spawn of Satan Suzie blocked her from sitting with another little girl on the bus, and when Big I sat down anyway, little biotch Suzie then used her body to push Big I off the seat. Big I ended up sitting by herself and when she got off the bus she was very upset and I was freaking livid and thought I was going to need some blood pressure medication immediately to keep myself from turning into the Incredible Hulk.
I just wanted to make you aware of this since Big I tells me the hateful wretched little brat Suzie is also in her class. Big I said that the bus driver did not see what happened. However, when there are only a few children on the bus I would like to think that he would see what was going on, especially before the bus was in motion as the kids are getting seated. In other words, why the hell wasn’t he paying attention??? AND, he better be paying attention from now on or else I’m going to take care of business.
I have talked to Big I about what to do in this situation should it happen again ("Firmly tell the little brat not to ever touch you again, and then if she pushes you again or tries to get in your way, you have my permission to take her down any way you know how."), but I would like to think that this will be the first and last time or else I’m going to get on that bus myself and personally crack some skulls.
If you could please let me know who would be the best person to contact regarding issues with the bus so I can scream my head off at them and take my frustrations out on them, I would greatly appreciate it. I didn’t want to speak to the bus driver when he drops Big I off, because I’d prefer not to discuss it in front of the other demonic monsters kids. Thanks so much for your time.
Sincerely,
One seriously ticked off mama "Black Belt Mama"
Big I has been going to Kindergarten for six days or so and she has been doing fine. Each morning she tells me that she doesn’t want to go, but she goes and comes home and usually has a couple positive things to tell me about her day. Last week, she even expressed an interest in riding the bus home from school and she’s been doing that for the past four days.
On Thursday, the bus pulled up to the stop and I was pleasantly surprised to see Big I sitting in a seat with another little girl. She got off the bus ecstatic and told me that this little girl was her friend and in her class. I was so happy; as was Big I.
On Friday, the bus pulled to a stop and Big I was sitting by herself. She emerged from the bus with a smile on her face, but then quickly dissolved into a heap of hurt feelings and told me that her "friend" didn’t want her to sit with her. My insides hurt just hearing the replay. She said that the little girl told her she couldn’t sit with her. She wanted to sit by herself.
So, we spent the weekend reassuring Big I and telling her that the little girl probably just wanted to sit alone. It probably wasn’t anything personal.
Yesterday, Big I got off the bus and immediately erupted into the story of how she got on the bus and tried to sit with a different little girl. The "friend"/bully girl blocked Big I from sitting and then when Big I sat down anyway, the girl pushed her out of the way and off of the seat. I stopped in my tracks on the way back to our house. "She did WHAT?" "Yeah, she pushed me," Big I said and retold the story. Big I then said, "She doesn’t want to sit by herself; she just doesn’t want to sit with me." My heart ripped in half and I could suddenly hear the blood rushing through my head.
If this were a Seinfeld episode and I were playing the part of George Costanza circa the movie theater episode (and oh how I wish it were), I would have jumped in my car, burned rubber out of the parking lot and followed the bus. I would have parked as the little "friend" emerged from the bus and then I would have followed her right up to her front door. I would have told her parent/parents how RUDE she was to my daughter and that I expect that she’ll be given a stern talking to, or else. OR else meaning, I will personally give permission to Big I to take that little biotch down to the ground if she dares push her again. I would have demanded an apology and not left until Big I got one.
Since this, unfortunately, is not an episode of Seinfeld and I can’t have a Costanza moment without being arrested, I told Big I that she does NOT have to tolerate that kind of behavior. I told her that if the girl dares to push her again she will respond in a stern and assertive voice, "Do NOT push me. That’s NOT nice" and she will sit wherever her little heart desires.
This isn’t just a minor little bus issue. You see, Big I comes home and decides to take out her frustration on Lil C and me by not listening and by pushing and being bossy with Lil C. I don’t tolerate it in this house, and Big I does not have to tolerate it on the bus.
I swore back when I was a teacher that when I had children I would not be THAT parent. You know, the one who calls the school and teacher about every little thing. But I could not let this one go. I could not let this child ruin my child’s day. So, with the help and guidance of one of my best friends who also happens to be a teacher, I wrote "Mrs. M" the email above (minus the strike-throughs and clip art of course) and got a lovely response back before Big I was even awake this morning.
"Mrs. M" replied that she will be speaking with "Suzie" personally, and that the principal will also be made aware. She thanked me for bringing this to her attention and told me that if it happens again I should not hesitate to contact her. She said she would then call Suzie’s parents. She also said she would personally speak with the bus driver when Big I got on the bus (out of ear shot of course).
Today, the bus pulled up and Big I was sitting in a seat with the two little girls. She got off the bus ecstatic. Apparently, Suzie had been summoned to the principals office. The teacher also reminded Suzie as they were lining up for the bus that she needed to be nice. When Big I got on the bus, Suzie asked Big I to sit with her. She was nice to her throughout the day. I hope this is the last issue with this particular girl. I am so thankful that Big I’s teacher is so awesome.
What I can’t help but wonder though is why little girls are so mean? Big I doesn’t have a mean bone in her body, as evidenced by her refusal to hit anyone while sparring at the dojo because she doesn’t want to hurt anyone or make anyone sad. I can’t be the only one raising my children to be kind and compassionate, right? So, where are the other nice little girls? And since when did Kindergarten become so catty?
The Letter I Did Not Write
September 11, 2006
Dear "Mrs. M.",
"Big I" is my first child in school so I’m pretty new at this. I wasn’t sure what to do even though I strongly knew what I felt like doing. . .
. . . but I wanted to make you aware of what happened today. Big I had a problem on the bus. A girl named Spawn of Satan Suzie blocked her from sitting with another little girl on the bus, and when Big I sat down anyway, little biotch Suzie then used her body to push Big I off the seat. Big I ended up sitting by herself and when she got off the bus she was very upset and I was freaking livid and thought I was going to need some blood pressure medication immediately to keep myself from turning into the Incredible Hulk.
I just wanted to make you aware of this since Big I tells me the hateful wretched little brat Suzie is also in her class. Big I said that the bus driver did not see what happened. However, when there are only a few children on the bus I would like to think that he would see what was going on, especially before the bus was in motion as the kids are getting seated. In other words, why the hell wasn’t he paying attention??? AND, he better be paying attention from now on or else I’m going to take care of business.
I have talked to Big I about what to do in this situation should it happen again ("Firmly tell the little brat not to ever touch you again, and then if she pushes you again or tries to get in your way, you have my permission to take her down any way you know how."), but I would like to think that this will be the first and last time or else I’m going to get on that bus myself and personally crack some skulls.
If you could please let me know who would be the best person to contact regarding issues with the bus so I can scream my head off at them and take my frustrations out on them, I would greatly appreciate it. I didn’t want to speak to the bus driver when he drops Big I off, because I’d prefer not to discuss it in front of the other demonic monsters kids. Thanks so much for your time.
Sincerely,
One seriously ticked off mama "Black Belt Mama"
Big I has been going to Kindergarten for six days or so and she has been doing fine. Each morning she tells me that she doesn’t want to go, but she goes and comes home and usually has a couple positive things to tell me about her day. Last week, she even expressed an interest in riding the bus home from school and she’s been doing that for the past four days.
On Thursday, the bus pulled up to the stop and I was pleasantly surprised to see Big I sitting in a seat with another little girl. She got off the bus ecstatic and told me that this little girl was her friend and in her class. I was so happy; as was Big I.
On Friday, the bus pulled to a stop and Big I was sitting by herself. She emerged from the bus with a smile on her face, but then quickly dissolved into a heap of hurt feelings and told me that her "friend" didn’t want her to sit with her. My insides hurt just hearing the replay. She said that the little girl told her she couldn’t sit with her. She wanted to sit by herself.
So, we spent the weekend reassuring Big I and telling her that the little girl probably just wanted to sit alone. It probably wasn’t anything personal.
Yesterday, Big I got off the bus and immediately erupted into the story of how she got on the bus and tried to sit with a different little girl. The "friend"/bully girl blocked Big I from sitting and then when Big I sat down anyway, the girl pushed her out of the way and off of the seat. I stopped in my tracks on the way back to our house. "She did WHAT?" "Yeah, she pushed me," Big I said and retold the story. Big I then said, "She doesn’t want to sit by herself; she just doesn’t want to sit with me." My heart ripped in half and I could suddenly hear the blood rushing through my head.
If this were a Seinfeld episode and I were playing the part of George Costanza circa the movie theater episode (and oh how I wish it were), I would have jumped in my car, burned rubber out of the parking lot and followed the bus. I would have parked as the little "friend" emerged from the bus and then I would have followed her right up to her front door. I would have told her parent/parents how RUDE she was to my daughter and that I expect that she’ll be given a stern talking to, or else. OR else meaning, I will personally give permission to Big I to take that little biotch down to the ground if she dares push her again. I would have demanded an apology and not left until Big I got one.
Since this, unfortunately, is not an episode of Seinfeld and I can’t have a Costanza moment without being arrested, I told Big I that she does NOT have to tolerate that kind of behavior. I told her that if the girl dares to push her again she will respond in a stern and assertive voice, "Do NOT push me. That’s NOT nice" and she will sit wherever her little heart desires.
This isn’t just a minor little bus issue. You see, Big I comes home and decides to take out her frustration on Lil C and me by not listening and by pushing and being bossy with Lil C. I don’t tolerate it in this house, and Big I does not have to tolerate it on the bus.
I swore back when I was a teacher that when I had children I would not be THAT parent. You know, the one who calls the school and teacher about every little thing. But I could not let this one go. I could not let this child ruin my child’s day. So, with the help and guidance of one of my best friends who also happens to be a teacher, I wrote "Mrs. M" the email above (minus the strike-throughs and clip art of course) and got a lovely response back before Big I was even awake this morning.
"Mrs. M" replied that she will be speaking with "Suzie" personally, and that the principal will also be made aware. She thanked me for bringing this to her attention and told me that if it happens again I should not hesitate to contact her. She said she would then call Suzie’s parents. She also said she would personally speak with the bus driver when Big I got on the bus (out of ear shot of course).
Today, the bus pulled up and Big I was sitting in a seat with the two little girls. She got off the bus ecstatic. Apparently, Suzie had been summoned to the principals office. The teacher also reminded Suzie as they were lining up for the bus that she needed to be nice. When Big I got on the bus, Suzie asked Big I to sit with her. She was nice to her throughout the day. I hope this is the last issue with this particular girl. I am so thankful that Big I’s teacher is so awesome.
What I can’t help but wonder though is why little girls are so mean? Big I doesn’t have a mean bone in her body, as evidenced by her refusal to hit anyone while sparring at the dojo because she doesn’t want to hurt anyone or make anyone sad. I can’t be the only one raising my children to be kind and compassionate, right? So, where are the other nice little girls? And since when did Kindergarten become so catty?
Worse than Nunchaku
Today was one of the most gut-wrenching days of my entire life. I have never felt such raw emotions as I did today. I know I probably won’t get a lot of sympathy; Most parents put their children in preschool or daycare at some point leading up to Kindergarten. I chose not to do so with Big I, and today was hard.
No one warned me what today would be like. They said things like "It will be hard, but it will be exciting." No one defined "hard" for me. Hard is putting it lightly.
We took Big I to school this morning and she was a bit apprehensive. As they called the children class by class to make their exit and head to the classrooms, Big I got more and more worried. Her eyes welled up with tears and I gave her a colossal hug. I told her everything would be o.k., hoping that I was right about that. When it was her turn, I held her hand and walked her over to her teacher. She got in line and stayed there looking as if I was sending her off to her execution. As the line started to move, she turned a scared little face and waved goodbye.
I choked, held my breathe, and waited until she was out of the room. . . and then the flood gates let loose. Oh, how I cried. . . and cried. . . and cried. I figured that when I got home I’d feel better. I’d play with Lil C. But Lil C had other plans and took a marathon nap from 9-11:30 a.m. and I was alone.
I was not prepared for the quiet. I was not prepared for the loneliness. I was not prepared for the urge to turn on the Disney Channel, since that has been our routine every morning since I can remember. I went into her room to clean up a bit and sobbed. (I may have hugged her jammies and cried so hard that I hiccuped.) I was not at all prepared for how much I would miss her, and how much that feeling would hurt and tug at me for the entire morning.
I busied myself with emailing friends and family about how she did in the morning, and just when I thought I was done crying, I would start all over again. I got out the journal that I keep for Big I (I keep one for each of my daughters) and wrote her a letter about how proud I am of her and how much I was missing her.
And when Lil C still wasn’t awake, I pulled out the size 12 month clothing that Lil C will be wearing before I know it and cried some more. It seems like only yesterday, Big I was wearing those outfits and now. . .
As lunch time neared, I got anxious to pick her up. My only thoughts were that I hoped to see her emerge from her first day with a grin from ear to ear. I wanted her to tell me how much she loved it, and how much fun she had.
Instead, I saw my little girl with a troubled look on her face. When she saw us, she hugged us like we’ve never been hugged before. "How did she do?" my husband asked her teacher quietly. "She did fine," she said. "There are some kids who were traumatized in there; she was not one of them." She then told us that Big I was worried about her stuff. She didn’t want to leave things in her desk; she wanted to take them with her.
As Big I was getting in the car, she bumped her head on the door and the waterworks started. The head bump turned into "I’m tired," which turned into "It stinks. I don’t want to go back," which turned into "We didn’t have any fun. We just had to sit and be quiet all day," etc. etc. etc.
This was my worst fear.
We got home and I helped Big I change into what she calls "normal clothes". While helping her, she collapsed onto my lap and hugged me and just cried. She said, "I just missed you so much." I could only hold back so long. I erupted into tears myself and told her that I missed her SO MUCH. I told her that it will get better. I told her that each day she’ll be more familiar with the routine and it will get easier. I told her that she’ll stop missing me so much and start wishing she could be around her friends more. I told her that we will both adjust and get used to our new lives. She told me that the teacher read them a book about Mommy’s and each student made a heart craft to give to their parents. She said that the teacher told them they could hug their heart to feel close to their Mommy’s if they needed to. Big I told me she did a lot of hugging of her heart. She said making that craft made her miss me more.
Everyone always talks about how "exciting" the first day of school is, but I am here to tell you that it is a lot harder than anyone ever tells you it’s going to be. It is a cutting of the cord that you just can’t even fathom until it happens. No matter how you might have longed for a moment or two to yourself, nothing prepares you for the emptiness you feel when they are suddenly not there for all those hours, when your "job" has suddenly been given to someone else for part of the day.
It is so emotional that it becomes physical. It hurts like hell.
Big I doesn’t go back to school until Tuesday next week. I am hoping that when she goes to the library, art class, music class and gym, she starts to see school in a more positive light. I am hoping that she makes some great friends; and that her teacher will show her some of the love that I do at home. I am hoping, above all else, that this cut cord heals for both of us in a timely matter.
Almost 10 months, and why I’m in trouble
Dear Lil C:
On Friday you will be 10 months old. Double digits. It’s hard for me to believe it. The time has gone so fast, too fast. Over the last month in particular, you have been showing your true colors and really letting your personality shine through. You are a gal who can appreciate relaxation. You are always propping your little feet up: on the table, in the stroller, and even on Mommy sometimes when you’ve forced your way into my bed.
You also devour books, literally. Your Baby Faces book had to be replaced after you completely chewed the binding off and then attempted to eat gummy pieces of paper (see below as you are working on maneuvering yet another piece of gummed up paper out of your hand and into your mouth.) Mommy especially enjoyed holding you upside down as I attempted to sweep the dissolving paper out of your little cheeks.
You also love "Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What do you see?" and squeal with delight whenever we read it (15 million times a day). When we get to the final page, you always throw a fit and want to start over again. Mommy always obliges. This month you have said so many new words in addition to "mama" which is said almost non-stop: "bear" "duck" "quack", your sister’s nickname which is so hysterical and adorable, Daddy’s real name which is even more hysterical, what sounds like an early "is it?" as in "Where is it?" etc. etc. After listening to your jabber-jaws sister for all these months, I knew it was only a matter of time before you’d realize your own gift for gab.
You have been trying lots of new foods this month (in addition to book bindings). Because Mommy and Daddy are not nearly as by-the-books with you as we were with your sister, you have already sampled Daddy’s ice cream cone and loved it, after you got used to the cold. Brrr.
You have also tried to feed yourself when Mommy went to get the phone. . . with what we’ll call mixed results.
You have become quite the night owl as of late. I think I’ve finally figured out why. Once Big I goes to bed, it is so much fun to get into all of the things that she "guards" during the course of the day. DVD’s and CD’s are now easily accessible without a big sister to ruin your fun and tell you you’re being a "Bad Baby."
And you’ve even figured out how to open up jewel cases. Cheetah Girls is your favorite CD as of late. You’re becoming quite the little dancer too. Kim Possible music really gets your engine running and your little head bopping. Although you love dancing with Mommy and Daddy, you’re getting quite good at dancing all on your own. You know just when to clap for yourself and others too, and do so with a beautiful toothy grin.
When Mommy needs a break (or needs to clean up 40 DVD’s off the floor), you enjoy walking around your port-a-crib. But if there is something better going on outside of the crib, you will attempt any and every way to get out. Usually this face works just fine though.
When you were born with a head full of hair, I had no idea how much fun it would be to have a baby who has hair. After a little mist from the hose on a hot day, your hair is quite pliable and your sister and I have a blast "styling" it and taking pictures.
Look out, Mr. T! You’re always such a good sport too. I think you enjoy the new do’s. You certainly do enjoy seeing yourself in the mirror.
You took your first unassisted steps weeks ago, but this past week in particular you are getting especially brave. You love to stand up in the middle of the room by yourself and clap and giggle. Somehow Mommy just isn’t ready to let you stand on your own though. (You’ve had enough accidental bumps on the head with your increased mobility). This weekend you upped your usual two steps before falling to three steps. We think it’s only a brief matter of time before you’re running to the entertainment center, steps, and any other dangerous thing in the house. Snap kicks can’t be far behind.
Lately, if you are not standing or climbing the stairs at warp speed, you are not happy. So mostly Mommy is a human shadow who follows you around with my arms stuck out constantly, just waiting in case I have to catch you. I must say though, the need for my intervention over the past two weeks has dwindled.
You’re not always into trouble. Sometimes you just stand around looking cute. Infrequently you will actually keep a hat on your head and shoes on your feet. Those are rare moments that must be photographed immediately.
You have been an absolute joy, but I fear that the ornery side of you is starting to take over. Your sister fears this as well, as do all of her toys, books, crayons, etc. The next few months will be interesting for sure.
I have a sneaking suspicion that Mommy is going to be looking more like this once night falls. . .
Love,
(BB) Mama
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