Top Secret Draft Strategy
It’s that time of year again, when ordinary people start watching the pre-season football games with a notepad, hoping for divine intervention and direction during the two minutes the starters are playing. This year, I’m playing in two fantasy football leagues. I’m the league manager for a blogger league, featuring some of the most talented bloggers in the biz like Papa Bradstein, Jenn Maniacal, Goon Squad Sarah, Da Mack Daddy, Tenitems August, Marcus Aurelius (who is actually more of my sidekick helping to make the comments section rock-where is your blog anyway?), a myspacer (who I’m going to convert I tell you-convert, convert, convert!) and yours truly. It should be a lot of fun.
I’m also playing in another league with some friends and family and I’m looking forward to that as well. Because it’s that time of year, it’s also time to release my top secret fantasy football draft strategy, which has a few updates from last year. Anyone playing in a league with me this year should definitely exit now.
Are they gone yet?
Good. Here goes. . .
BBM’s Top Secret Fantasy Football Draft Strategy
Round 1- Draft a kicker on a bad team. If they can’t score touch downs, they’ll be scoring field goals instead.
Round 2- Draft a back-up kicker. Your first pick is going to have a bye at some point right?
Round 3- Draft a defense. You know those top five ranked defenses? Yeah, I read some stuff. They’re all SO overrated. We want to choose someone at the bottom of that list. Then we can brag about it when our underrated defense comes through. Sleepers are key.
Round 4- Draft a back-up defense. Choose a team that has a beat-up D. The teams are just lying about the injuries anyway to throw good people like us off.
Round 5- Now is the time to take a tight end. We don’t want one of the top ranked ones though. They get the ball all the time, which means they’re likely to be hit more and therefore injured.
Round 6- Just in case, get a back-up TE.
Round 7- We’re totally waiting to draft a wide receiver until now. If there’s a decent D left though, we might pick up a third. Ditto on kickers and tight ends too.
Round 8- Now it’s time to look at running backs. You certainly don’t want to do this before Round 8. They’ll be plenty of good ones left at this point. Jerome Bettis is still playing, right?
Round 9- I’m thinking it’s QB time. Michael Vick is looking good people. Really good. Indicted, likely to be convicted? Eh, he’s still a very worthy fantasy pick.
Round 10- Back-up QB. Who needs one? Vick will be playing every game for sure. All that hype about him not being able to attend training camp is just to throw fantasy footballers off. It’s better to get another kicker now, just to be safe.
Round 11- Maybe another kicker now? I mean, you can never have too many kickers.
Round 12- WR, because all the good ones will still be left.
Round 13- RB, there are a lot of good ones hanging out at the end of the rankings. I can’t wait to get my hands on "No-Name Two-Left-Feet". He’s going to be all the rage this year.
Round 14- WR time again. Who says 2 yards isn’t a good reception? Pshaw, not me!
Round 15- RB, because you have to have two starters. RB’s are a dime a dozen. No worries with this draft choice. . .
So, what do you think? Will it work?
Any teams playing with me this year can leave now. I know you’re reading this! This post is finished. See you at the draft. Don’t mess me up or try to steal my strategy, or you’re going DOWN!
Psst, hey you. . . yeah you, the one reading this. . . the person NOT playing in my fantasy leagues this year. . . do you think this will work on the newbies in the league? (Rubbing hands together with evil laugh).
Are you ready for some FOOTBALL?!?
It was the end of August last year when my cousin called and asked if I wanted to play Fantasy Football in her league.
What?
What the hell is that? How could you possibly combine the words fantasy and football? (I’ve always been more of an ice hockey girl, so it was even more confusing to me). How could fantasy football possibly be any fun? I had no clue. I said something to my husband about it, and he was into it so we signed up. We had no clue how our lives would change.
We created a team name and logo combining our two favorite teams, Steelers and Eagles, and created Team Steagles. Because we only had four teams in our league last year, our team was stacked. We had Ladainian Tomlinson, Edgerrin James, Jeremy Shockey, Torry Holt, Larry Fitzgerald, Hines Ward and the Bears defense. At first I was disappointed when I saw who the auto-draft gave us. I had no clue who any of these players were and thought we got the short end of the stick. My husband was excited about our picks, and I soon learned that we had quite a team.
Sunday mornings became less about political talk shows and more about getting grocery shopping done so that we could be home for the first kick-off. We spent every Sunday entrenched in each and every football game on TV, watching the Live Scoring with excitement and anticipation. We spent a lot of time cursing Shaun Alexander, Santana Moss, and Larry Johnson. We spent even more time trying to convince Big I that football was infinitely more exciting than the Disney Channel. Monday nights were the same. We found ourselves staying up entirely too late to watch the end of each and every game (O.k. I lie there. It wasn’t "we". It was more like me, and me alone watching football into the early morning hours.). If we won, I figured it was worthy of waking my husband and whispering the results. If we lost, I’d get started looking at our line-up for the following week.
Because I was extremely pregnant when the whole fantasy football thing kicked off, I wasn’t sure how into it I would be. However, my due date was on a Monday and as the season continued, I was very upset that I would be in the hospital for Monday night football due to my scheduled induction. During the worst of the contractions, the football game was on. As the contractions became really painful I had my husband turn down the volume so that I could concentrate; but I didn’t want him to turn the TV off entirely. I had to see how bad the damage was going to be from our opponent’s star running back, Larry Johnson. I think the nurses and my midwife were a little shocked by my insistence that the game stay ON. I think my husband was grateful for the distraction from my moaning in agony during the contractions.
I thought that after the baby was born, I wouldn’t have time to adjust my roster each week. But there I was, nursing an infant and yelling upstairs to my husband, inquiring as to who we should "play" each week.
When playoffs rolled around, our formerly stellar players were sitting the bench or producing next to nothing. I was very disappointed and that is putting it nicely. We ended up losing in the first round (Thanks a lot Larry Johnson) and then losing the second round as well. We went from being the top scorer to last place in the standings. I was a little bit upset and spiraled into a fantasy football induced depression, or something like that.
This year my cousin told me she’s too busy to run the league. So, we called ESPN, where we run our league, and had them give me "the power." My cousin and I were both on the phone and the guy was helping us set things up. He was drafting his team while talking to us and when he asked us to hold for a minute, my cousin called him on it. "You’re putting us on hold to do your draft pick, aren’t you?" He tried to deny it, but then laughed and admitted to it. Then we started hounding him about his draft choices, and my cousin and I started talking trash amongst ourselves while he was setting things up. The customer service guy stopped in his tracks after listening to our little exchange and said, "Are you girls married?". "Yeah," we responded back. "Your husbands are some lucky guys," he said. I would have to agree with that completely.
After being given "the powers," I have now gone from last place to League Commissioner. That means I get to set the draft order (rubs hands together and evil laugh ensues), set the rules (evil laugh gets louder), and have veto power (throws head back in evil laugh crescendo).
But my fellow team owners shouldn’t be worried. I’ll be fair. . . sure I will.
Oh, and if you happen to be reading this and you are one of the teams
in my league. . . you didn’t see that last paragraph. You will forget
that there ever was a last paragraph. You do not know what evil laughs
are, and know that your league commissioner is a fair and decent
person. One thing you do know though. . . you’re goin’ DOWN!
If you have any fantasy football draft advice you’d like to pass along, please, help a girl out. . .
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