Trust Your Gut: Keeping Safe in an Unsafe World
Years ago I read Gavin de Becker's book "The Gift of Fear." If you haven't ever read it, you really should. I had seen him on the Almighty Oprah and listened intently to her interview with him. He talked about the presence of a sixth sense, and said how when something is wrong, people can sometimes pick up on it if they allow themselves to trust their gut. He said that women have an uncanny ability to do this, and that it is largely responsible for saving the lives of many women who have been in bad situations and figured a way to avoid or get out of it, simply by paying attention to that inner voice.
This week, my inner voice was talking loud and clear to me while at the grocery store.
I was at the grocery store during the middle of the day with Lil C. One might think that the middle of the day is a safe time to go grocery shopping. However, when I was pregnant with Lil C, a woman was abducted at 3:30 in the afternoon from my previous grocery store. Two men approached her in the parking lot, held a gun to her back and told her to get in the back seat of her own car. They then drove her around for nine hours, showing her off to their friends, as if she were some type of trophy or something. After nine hours, they parked the car and walked away, never to be caught. She was shaken, but physically unharmed. It terrified me because this was also around the time that the news media was buzzing with stories about crazy people cutting babies out of women's stomachs. Needless to say, I made Mr. BBM go to the grocery store for a while after that and I was even more aware than usual of my surroundings whenever I found myself in a parking lot.
This week, I was hyper aware of a young man who seemed to be following me around the grocery store. The thing that brought him to my attention, besides the fact that I could literally feel him looking at me, was the fact that my cart was loaded with groceries as I grabbed a couple things from each aisle. He lacked a cart or even a basket and instead just carried a bar of soap and deodorant around the entire store.
It seemed odd to me that I was running into him in each and every aisle when these were the only two things he was going to buy. Something was definitely not right. I kept my purse tightly on my shoulder, and my cart right with me at all times. I made sure to make eye contact with him a couple times. I wanted him to know that I was aware of his odd behavior. He would always look away quickly, but yet there he was, in the next aisle.
As I finished up and picked a checkout aisle, there were several aisles open around me. Yet, despite a full cart, he got in line behind me. There were at least three other aisles where he could have checked out faster. I was starting to get nervous.
Then it got worse. I noticed another young man, dressed much like the guy behind me, standing out in the grocery store lobby. He was holding the pay phone in one hand and staring into the store in my direction. My checkout girl was taking her sweet time, plus they had to run a check on one of my products, yet the guy still stayed behind me. I kept an eye on the guy in the lobby and noticed that despite the fact that he was holding the phone receiver to his mouth, he wasn't talking at all.
I turned around and looked at the guy behind me again. I wanted him to know that not only did I realize he was acting strange, but that I suspected something was up. I gave him a steady look. I also wanted him to know that I would be able to identify him if he tried anything.
Meanwhile I was trying to figure out what exactly I should do. Usually when I'm at the store, there's a very nice guy who takes care of the carts who will offer to walk out with me and help load my car. He's a total sweetheart and I looked around for him but didn't see him anywhere. It figured that it would be his day off.
Then Lil C made the announcement that she had to go to the bathroom. I finished checking out and asked my checkout girl if she would keep an eye on my cart. I parked it at customer service and took Lil C to the bathroom. I figured it would give me time to think and the guys would maybe disappear.
While walking Lil C to the bathroom, I questioned whether or not I was overreacting. But all of the things together seemed very odd. I decided I was being rightfully cautious.
We finished in the bathroom and I walked back to the front of the store to get my cart. The two guys were nowhere to be found. I had a brief moment where I allowed myself to believe they were completely gone; but I decided I still needed a plan.
I got my car keys out, jammed a long pointy key between each of my knuckles in my right hand and made a fist. I put my thumb nail on the panic button for my car alarm. I was prepared to land that fist in someone's throat if I was threatened and in danger. I told Lil C I was going to put her in the car and that I needed her to get herself buckled quickly. I waited until I saw a big non-suspicious looking guy walk out of the store and went right behind him.
I comforted myself with the fact that I had parked right in front of the store, only four spaces away, and that there were plenty of people buzzing around. I also know though, how quickly things can happen and that often, people don't want to get involved.
I took a good look around the lobby, saw neither of the guys, scanned the parking lot and didn't see them there either. I thought it was a good time to go.
I walked quickly, making sure that I was constantly scanning the area, even behind me. I unlocked my car with the automatic key opener, quickly deposited Lil C in her seat, threw my purse in between the seats, and closed and locked the doors. I took another look around, and that's when I saw him.
The guy who had been on the phone was now standing outside the store. He was looking right at me. I met his eyes, and didn't take them off of him as I made my way to the back of the car. My heart began to pound, yet I knew what I was going to do if my suspicions were correct. I unlocked the trunk with my key instead of unlocking the entire car, jammed the keys back in between my fingers, and began loading my groceries. I called to Lil C to get buckled and she said she was ready to go. I didn't take my eyes off of him while loading, except to quickly scan the other directions to look for the other guy.
I unloaded the groceries, shut the trunk and locked it. I always park beside the cart return so I don't have to walk far from the car, so I pushed my cart in and quickly got in my van and locked the door.
Without wasting a second, I started the car and took one last look at the guy before backing out. I kept my eye on him with my rear-view mirror to make sure nothing suspicious was going on. I didn't want to be followed. I drove home a different way, keeping my eye on the cars behind me. When I was convinced that I wasn't being followed, I went home and pulled in my garage.
It had been a completely nerve-wracking visit to the grocery store. Usually the most stressful thing I have to deal with is keeping Lil C from jumping out of the cart and gorging herself in the cookie aisle.
Was it possible I was overreacting a bit to these two guys and their intentions? Maybe. But I would much rather be prepared for anything and have nothing happen, than be the Mom in the parking lot who is caught off guard.
So what are some things that you can do to protect yourself in these types of situations? There are lots of things you can do, things that I do every time.
Always make sure you walk with confidence:There was an article on AOL the other day about how muggers pick and choose their victims based on how they walk. Walk with your head up, don't be distracted by your cell phone, IPOD, or by digging in your purse. People who walk with confidence and meet other people with eye contact are less likely to be attacked.
Be aware of where you park: People who forget where they park and spend time wandering to find their car, people who park in areas that are not well lit, and people who park in areas where there are places where people can easily hide are more likely to be targeted. I always try to park as close as possible to the store, in an area that is well lit and easily seen by many people. I also have a thing about parking next to creepy looking vans, work trucks, etc. I just don't do it. You have seen Silence of the Lambs right?
Be aware in general: If something sets off your sixth sense, it's wise to pay attention. It's also wise to scan the parking lot as you walk, letting everyone in the area know you are alert and aware.
The Key Fist: If you don't know how to throw a good punch, learn how. A good well placed punch if something does happen is a wonderful thing. A fist that contains a key between each knuckle and then aimed at the neck or eye area is golden when it comes to a true threat. Having your thumb on the panic button for your car is also a good idea. Talk about a rude awakening for someone stupid enough to try something against a woman armed like that!
Trust Your Gut: If you think something is suspicious, don't dismiss it. That feeling may just save your life. In hindsight, I probably should have asked someone from the store to walk out to my car with me. I did make sure I was walking out with a big non-threatening looking guy though when I did finally make my move to the parking lot. But don't feel silly if you feel threatened. Most grocery stores are happy to provide customers with a little help getting to their cars.
Always Have a Plan: Sure, you can drive yourself nuts, being paranoid and overreacting about each and every person who is slightly suspicious. But if you create a general plan of action for these types of circumstances, you won't feel so freaked out if and when you do need to set a plan into action.
Don't Linger: Once you're in the car, lock the doors immediately and GO! Women who linger in parking lots make themselves targets. Parking lots are not good places to mess with the stuff in your wallet, make a quick phone call, or fix your make-up. Almost every self defense expert I've ever heard talk about this has said that women spend a ridiculous amount of time in their cars before they actually turn the key and leave. Don't dilly dally.
Lock the Doors: This is just plain common sense. Don't ever leave your car unlocked, not even to drop something off in the post office. Never leave your doors unlocked. It's an invitation for trouble.
Never Go to a Second Location: Gavin de Becker will tell you this and so does everyone else who knows anything about self defense. Don't ever allow yourself to be taken to another location. If things get bad and you're being attacked and abducted, your survival rate drops drastically if you let them take you to another place. Fight as hard as you can, remembering that the groin, eyes and throat are fantastic targets. Scream for help and instead of just screaming "help," scream what's happening. "He's trying to take me and I don't know him." "I'm being attacked. Someone call the police and help me!" Make yourself impossible to ignore and never give up.
For more information about Gavin de Becker, his tips and books, go here.
What other things do you do to protect yourself in the parking lot?
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When Life Hands You Lemons
There is no denying that tearing my ACL was a horrible experience. . . initially. Crutches and braces for months at a time sucked. Living through the initial pain of the surgery and then finding out another surgery was necessary was just plain hell.
But if I consider the ACL tear pain and challenges a giant lemon in my life, I'd have to also admit that I have tried to make lemonade, given the circumstances.
I've never been one to give up easily, but sometimes, throughout the past 17 months, I even surprised myself. Sure I had my weepy moments where I felt sorry for myself. I can't deny that. I went through a stage where I needed to surround myself with all things martial arts. I read books, crutched my way up the dojo stairs to watch classes, and spent hours visualizing my kata so that I wouldn't slip behind and forget.
And then I had a period where the last thing I wanted to be around was martial arts. I asked Mr. BBM to take Big I to karate classes. I went through a period where it was too difficult for me mentally, to be there, watching the others enjoy the karate classes I knew I'd be missing for a long time. I stopped reading martial arts blogs for quite some time too. I couldn't take it. As happy as I was for my blogger friends and their promotions, etc., I couldn't bring myself to visit with any regularity. Commenting without sounding like I was feeling sorry for myself wasn't possible, so I stopped commenting. They stopped coming here too; and I hope they know that it wasn't anything personal. It was just a bad mental spot where I lingered for a while.
Then I started to feel better. It wasn't great. I dealt with over a year of pain until I went back for the second surgery; but I found encouragement through my physical therapist who has become a friend. I had some extraordinary friends who kept me positive and were always asking me how I was doing, some physically half a world away. I had great help from my family. I found courage through my personal trainer who went through the same surgery and completely knew how I was feeling and what I needed to do. I've never been a gym person, but I pushed myself to get there and work harder. I never would have joined the gym and worked so hard if it hadn't been an absolute necessity. I would have made excuses about the cost, the time issue, and anything else that I could have mustered. Instead, my health and fitness has become a top priority and I'm better off for it. I'm probably in the best shape of my life. Without the ACL tear, that never would have happened.
I can finally say that I feel like I am coming out the other side of a long dark tunnel. My knee is feeling fantastic. It's obvious I'm getting stronger and my left leg is finally catching up with my right.
That's why this award, the "When Life Hands You Lemons" award from Marguerite, means an awful lot to me. Thank you Marguerite!!!
As with any blog award, there are some rules.
- Post the logo on your blog.
- Nominate blogs that show great attitude or gratitude
- Link to the nominees within your blog post.
- Notify the recipients of the award by commenting on their blog.
- Share the love and link back to the person from whom you received your award.
So now it's my turn to nominate some people who know how to make lemonade when life has dealt them some seriously sour lemons. I have two people in mind.
The first award goes to Renovation Girl. After dealing with an upsetting miscarriage only months ago, last week Renovation Girl launched "Find Your Happiness Friday" on her blog. In her situation, I'd have trouble finding happiness anywhere, yet she has and is encouraging her readers to do so too. She's a lemonade master.
The second recipient of this award goes to my ACL buddy Hackshaft. He had ACL reconstruction surgery only a few weeks after I had mine and he totally beat me back to the dojo. Then, only months later, he tore the ACL in his other leg. Yet the man has been nothing but positive. I have already told my husband that if I tear mine again, he will have to restrain me from jumping off a cliff. Hackshaft, on the other hand, reasoned that he got through it once-he would do it again. And I swear that within minutes of him leaving the hospital, he had a counter back on his blog for when he can return to the dojo. Talk about making lemonade out of not one, but two lemons.
Thank you again to Marguerite. You truly made my day! Hackshaft and Renovation Girl, I hope I've made yours too!
For additional reading, you might want to check this out. It's a list of the Top 50 Self Defense Blogs out there with a nice little description about each one. I happen to be on it. Cool.
Tonight I'm the guest on Karl's Talk Radio show at Talk Shoe. The time is 10 P.M. EST. If you're planning on listening in, go and register with Talk Shoe now so you can participate in the chat, ask questions via the chat or even call in! Hope to see you there!
Like Riding a Bicycle. . . but With Elbows
Sometimes I feel like my karate instructors can read my mind. After returning to karate after nearly a year and a half hiatus, I can't deny that there were some unpleasant thoughts going through my head.
What if I lost it all? What if I can't remember any of my self defense? How am I going to adjust and adapt how I do things considering I used to use my knees and legs for much of my self defense? There's nothing quite like a solid knee or punt of a kick to the groin when it comes to defending yourself against a guy. With that option not looking as good now, I wondered if I'd have to go back to scratch, and find new favorite techniques to use.
Last night, I found out that my alternative options work just fine. I officially have some new favorites and I think it's a positive thing to be forced to change things up. It's easy to rely on only the techniques that we favor, but when forced to think and work outside of the box, some new patterns emerge.
We worked on some pushing hands drills initially and although it felt really funny at first, I could see the point by the end of the exercise. After feeling each other out during the drill, we ramped things up and worked on finding ways to gain advantage and get in some good techniques.
Just as before, I found myself uttering "sorry" when things didn't go as I'd planned or hoped they would go. I'm also really good at scoffing at myself. My instructor kept gently reminding me to keep my mouth shut. I really need to work on replacing my apologies with a good kiai instead.
After working on this drill for a while, we worked on some other self defense. With my back turned to the three guys, I had to casually turn around as an attacker came from behind with whatever technique they felt like throwing. It reminded me of blindfolded self defense. It was uncomfortable and scary-butterflies in the stomach inducing too. The turning part alone gave me pause with my knee that doesn't want to believe it's capable of twisting and turning quite yet. I was also unsure how I would react and whether or not my self defense techniques would surface without me having to consciously draw them back out of hiding.
It's always a concern. Will those moves be there when you need them? Will you react the way you've been trained, even if you haven't practiced in a while?
We ran through several rounds and despite the one time that my instructor threw a punch and I threw up a messy block and strike which was more like me punching his punch (dies of embarrassment), I felt I held my own. Even when I clearly felt I had messed up, my instructor countered with, "Well did you get hit?" I had not.
I found out my new tendencies are to go for the throat and that I also really like to throw elbows-a good thing when you have pointy ones like mine.
I'm finding that coming back to karate after all this time off is much like riding a bicycle. I might be a little shaky at first; but the skill is definitely there, even if it's a little dusty from all the time hanging out in the "garage."
Why a Kid Needs to Learn to Fail Successfully
Filed under: Admired Martial Artists Month, Guest Post, Tales from the dojo
By: Ann-Marie K. Heilman, Kyoshi
Okinawa Kenpo Karate Kobudo
Heilman Karate Academy, Inc.
In talking to a parent recently about his daughter’s review for belt ranking, I was surprised that he accepted my explanation that she could not test because she did not have all the material necessary to do so. Why was I surprised? Because no matter how many times I say “review," an adult will argue that a child’s “self esteem” will be diminished if they don’t succeed at every task placed in front of them including minor ones.
In the ensuing conversation we both agreed that she had heard me say that it was only a review to check her progress. Being a coach himself, he understood the importance of high standards. However, we both agreed that somewhere things had gone wrong in coaching and that everyone was expected to “play." Not only that, but everyone was expected to “win."
I am looking at a far greater picture here and it involves both my profession as a Board Certified Behavior Analyst (you know, behavior charts, stickers for good behavior, blah, blah, blah), and my belief that a dojo cannot award mediocrity because your life may depend on what I teach you.
I am in favor of positive reinforcement. I am also in favor of failure. Why? Because I don’t think people know how to fail correctly. Failure used to mean that you worked harder to succeed at the task so that you never had that feeling again. Parents supported you through the failure and coached you to “try again” and again and again until you either succeeded or switched gears and did something else. Once again, you accepted “failure” (maybe you switched from basketball to baseball) and moved on but no one worried that your “self esteem” was damaged forever. I won’t get into that “self esteem” stuff right now. I just want to point out that I see a dangerous road here and many dojo owners are following that road without questioning why they are doing it.
For years we have been positively reinforcing good behavior, good deeds, good something and somehow, some way, we have bought into the “lets reward them for breathing because, if we don’t, their 'self esteem' will be fractured and their lives will come crashing down around them and all is lost" (and it’s the teacher’s or the parent’s fault because they didn’t teach well enough). Let me say that I don’t buy into this baloney although I once did. I have experienced enough of life to now say unequivocally that it isn’t success from which I have learned the most – it was failing and sometimes miserable (the misery was all mine until I fixed “it”, whatever needed to be redone or relearned).
What does this have to do with a dojo? As I stated, your life may, literally, depend on what I teach you. And a child who may have to resist a possible abductor may need every GOOD technique taught them, not a sticker for “trying hard."
I am deeply concerned about “our” kids today. Where are the high standards of yore when you worked and worked at a goal until you succeeded? Parents encouraged you but did not fight with the teacher (or sensei) that “but my child tried so hard!” Again, I repeat myself, what is wrong with working towards a goal until you actually succeed?
I am now seeing young adults who are literally crushed by defeat. They can’t get off their duffs and start looking for work after losing a job because they have never experienced “losing.” They don’t know how to pick themselves up, go to Plan B, or C, and go forward because all their lives they have been allowed to NOT fail; someone has pleaded their case and argued that their “self esteem” will be diminished and their lives on hold until they succeed at the task (usually instant promotion or instant “A” as in grading a paper).
Again, what has this to do with a dojo? Because the father I was speaking to regarding his daughter’s review knew that she wasn’t going to get her belt that day – there were some things that she needed to work on – and despite her complaints that she “did the best she could,” it was still not good enough. And that is why I like to call such activities “reviews.” Even the word “test” seems to have lost its meaning. Every time you are put “to the test,” are you really expecting to pass? Only if you have done the work that qualifies you to pass, I hope. You won’t get a “sticker” if your self-defense works for you on the street. You get to keep your life. If I have allowed you or your child to get belt after belt because you showed up for class and paid your dues and not because you learned the material and excelled at it, then shame on me. And if you failed a test, did you find out what you did wrong and pass with flying colors the next time you tested? Or did you quit saying the test, or the teacher/sensei was “unfair? Life is unfair. We need to teach how to go past failure and succeed.
And there ends my rant for today after opening the can of worms known as positive reinforcement for breathing or “how do I keep them in the dojo so that I can pay my bills?" If I have to keep a kid’s (or adult’s) self-esteem at a high level and not allow them to fail and promote them at every turn for techniques that are sloppy, inadequate, and downright poor – then the doors to the dojo will have to close.
For more about Kyoshi Heilman, please go here.
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