September 20, 2011

Eviction Notice

It is hereby stated, on the 20th day of September, that the lease is officially up despite the fact that the original lease agreement expires on 10/6. This is a formal eviction notice for the occupant of my stretched out, sad and tired uterus. This eviction notice is being issued due to the following reasons:

Occupant is causing daily lower back pain equivalent to an elephant tap-dancing on my spine.
Occupant has moved into the basement regions of the “apartment” and is therefore causing frequent trips to the bathroom at ungodly hours, as well as whole body jolts from head butts to certain nether-regions.
Occupant is dead-set on kicking down the “walls” and doing damage to the exterior structures of the rented space (i.e. Quit kicking my ribs already and if you could stop making me feel like I have to barf every time I eat, that would be fab. Also, the constant burping you’re causing is just wrong. I was not born to be a truck driver.)
Occupant is encroaching on other residents of the “building,” including the bladder and stomach; both never did anything to you, so what’s your problem anyway???

I went from being told to “keep my legs crossed for two more weeks” to “I have two weeks left until this baby is officially due and I am just plain miserable.” For the past few nights, I’ve had contractions and low back pain for hours at a time.

Then they just stop, only to start up again the next day. This little man is already a player. He is totally messing with me.

I started taking evening primrose oil. I’m drinking red leaf raspberry tea. I ate a basil leaf the size of my head today for lunch. I drowned my mahi-mahi in a sriracha sauce the other night. I’m being active and am not just hanging out on the couch waiting for things to get rolling. Every linen closet in my house has been organized. The baby’s room is ready for a new little occupant and my bathroom has been cleaned top to bottom.

The other day, I watched a video on acupressure points on the back of the heel and on the inside of the shin. I even watched a video of some very pregnant girl dancing to “Ice, ice baby.” Apparently her moves sent her into labor about 8 hours later. If I could find my old “Vanilla Ice” CD, I would so be doing that right now.

I know I should be patient, and that I won’t be getting any more sleep after this little guy has made his entrance; but I guess I’m just nervous that I won’t go on my own. I’ve had to be induced the past two times (although once was on my due date so Sassy never really even had a chance to come out on her own). The midwives will let me go up to two weeks post-date which would put me at 10/20. That seems SO much further away than 10/6. I am praying that the dream I had in the summer that said 9/17 was the day, wasn’t really 10/17, because ohmygodicannotmakeituntiltheniwilldiegetthisbabyoutnowplease. I’ve been told by my one midwife that third babies do not need to be induced. I’m praying she’s right. I almost feel like mentally, I’m holding myself up. All the signs are there, but perhaps I don’t believe I can go into labor on my own.

So, if you should happen to see me in person, please avoid saying things to me like “You’re still pregnant!?!” and “You’re not in labor yet!?!” I kind of hate the whole overtly obvious statements thing. Plus, I haven’t kicked anything or anyone in a long time, and I just might choose to kick you.

Yeah, I’m that miserable.