December 29, 2010

A Christmas Revelation

I tend not to like shows like "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?," that crazy show that used to be on where girls would like up and wear dresses and people would try to win money, and the latest craze, "Minute to Win It." The contestants are always way too happy. They display too much PDA (public display of affection), and they usually seem like robots. . . happy, weird little robots.

On Sunday night, the NFL decided to cancel the Eagles game and when football coverage ended a little after 8 p.m., "Minute to Win It" came on. Although I can't stand these shows, it is very easy to get sucked in to them. Sometimes it's almost impossible to look away.

The first contestants were just disgusting. They were an entirely too perfect couple. They wore semi-matching sweaters and used entirely too much hair gel. They also jumped up and down a lot. Way too much. Sometimes, when they were really happy after one of those silly challenges, they would jump, embrace and then the guy would take the girls hands, pull them up over his head, and then run his hands down her back. It was entirely over the top and I had to refrain from gagging. Then, when you didn't think it could get any worse, the perfect hair guy got down on his knee, started crying and proposed. From then on out, they should have just named the show "Minute to Make Out" because it was just ridiculous.

They ended up losing a bunch of money and only went home with like $50K, of which the government will probably take all but $2K. The jumping sort of stopped then. I was glad because I was starting to worry the girl would knock herself out with her chest.

The show ended and we were all relieved until another episode came on. The contestants this time were two sisters, wearing coordinated flannel shirts and matching cami tanks underneath. The oldest sister (definitely in her 30's), wore low pigtails. Two of them. If you had been drinking enough eggnog that night, you would have thought you time warped back to the days of Benny Hill. They also jumped a lot. And, instead of PDA, they displayed uncanny crying abilities. Anytime Guy would ask them why they wanted the money, they would turn on the waterworks and point at their mother, make horrible contortions of their faces and just cry and wax poetic about how much their Mom has done for them.

Maybe I spent too much time with my family in the last week, but gag me with a spoon already. They were sickening sweet and clearly not human because no two women, mothers of about six kids combined could have facial skin like that. It looks like someone transplanted the skin of a baby's butt directly onto their faces (Yeah, I'm a little jealous if we're being perfectly honest here).

It was after one of their sob sessions and ponytail bouncing that I realized something. One of the challenges had been called "Deck the Balls" and had the contestants using two wrapping paper tubes. One person had to use the tube to suck a ball ornament to the end of it, transfer it to the other partner who was also creating suction in order to keep the ball stuck to the end of it, before transferring it to a hanging position.

Another challenge had the girls stacking mulitple balls in a martini glass. Another challenge had them fanning balls across the stage. Yet another challenge had them acting as a human conveyor belt as they hung balls and then rotated them around before finally hanging them up. This one was called "Hung with Care." We won't even discuss the games called "Jingle in the Trunk," "The Nutstacker," or "Lollipop." A revelation popped out of my mouth, without me even realizing it:

"This show is sick. Everything revolves around blowing, sucking and balls! This is practically pornographic!" My entire family lost it, and then we realized something else. Whenever people were doing the "ball" challenges, they would keep the audience "hanging" by going to commercial. The innuendo was just too much. Family friendly programming, my butt.

I just couldn't imagine myself on that show, being asked to do those challenges, and being able to take it seriously. I think I would die laughing on the stage. There is no way I could put my game face on and pretend that sucking ornament balls and passing them around the stage is serious business the way those crazy robot contestants do. Where do they dig these people up? How and why are they so insanely happy? Do they not have an ounce of cynicism in them? Do I have too much? (Don't answer that!) And what kind of skin cream are they using anyway?

No, for real. Where are they getting that skin cream?

For a chance to win $100 and start your new year right, please visit my review blog today!