July 15, 2010
Self-Imposed Torture
Sometimes, when I want to torture myself, get all teared up and feel particularly sorry for myself, I go back and read what I wrote when I announced to the blog world that I was finally a black belt. I feel so far from the person I was on that day, just a little over a year ago. It feels like I'll never be back there sometimes.
I'm having surgery again in less than a week to remove the tibia screw and repair the atrophied tissue in my leg. Although my insurance will pay for the surgery itself, they won't pay for a crucial piece of the puzzle, the alloderm that the doctor plans on using to create tissue between my skin and bone, tissue that disappeared after a cortisone shot about 25 months ago. The alloderm is the most expensive part of the surgery.
In October, it will be three years since the initial injury to my knee. In my head, I know that there are people out there dealing with many things worse than my stupid knee. There are people with cancer, and people with injuries that have taken away their ability to ever walk. I feel silly feeling so sorry for myself, but it's no lie that my life has not been the same since the injury. It's hard not to feel a little bit sorry for myself.
It's especially hard when, through no fault of your own, you're stuck with a protruding screw (a problem less than 3% of patients deal with) and tissue atrophy from a cortisone shot (something less than 1% of people experience). I have bad luck sometimes. I accept that. But this is some seriously craptastic luck.
I've had people tell me to get a lawyer for years. Maybe it's the fault of the screw manufacturer. Maybe I never should have received that cortisone shot. I did everything I was supposed to do, and still I'm facing another surgery. I don't know how I feel about trying to blame someone else for this situation, but I'm positive it's in no way my fault. It's hard not to blame someone else. I didn't do this to myself and I don't deserve this.
Throughout the years of this injury, I've had many highs and lows. Today was definitely a low and I told Mr. BBM tonight that I've crawled back into that mental dark hole in the ground and am staying there for the time being. Let him deal with the insurance company. Right now, I'm useless, reduced to a heap of tears with even the hint of an annoyed sigh on the other end of the phone. That's not normally me, but it's me for now.
I miss my family at the dojo so incredibly much and being around them this past weekend, to watch some of my friends test, and for womens self defense training, can only be described as bittersweet. Everyone wants to know why I'm not in my gi, and I'm starting to feel like a broken record when it comes to my knee.
I'm not a complainer. I'm not someone who thrives on attention from injuries. I'd rather blend into the background and just learn something new or have a mental break-through on a kata. I'm hoping that next week I'll be on my way to being myself again. Without karate, I'm just not me.
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{I feel so far from the person I was on that day, just a little over a year ago. It feels like I’ll never be back there sometimes. }
Pardon me, but I am compelled to sum up your post with a succinct ‘nonsense’.
You did not work as hard as you did to achieve your Black Belt simply to have craptastic luck erase it all.
You will recover, and you will climb back. You found it in yourself to achieve your rank, and that spirit is not gone — perhaps it is a bit overwhelmed, but it is part of YOU.
Mark my words.
Give yourself permission to have a pout, at least until your surgery is over (and, God willing, successful). After that you can move on.
It’s not good to compare your pain with others’. This is yours and therefore vitally important to you. And huge. For you. Chronic pain/injury may be relatively minor on the health problem scale, but it is still yours to deal with. It’s exhausting and frustration, especially if it keeps you from what you love.
Hang in there. Things will change. xo
I’ve been where you are, BBM, although it wasn’t my knee. You may not believe it now, but it will get better. It really will!
BBM, you really have had terrible luck with your knee, and it’s keeping you away from something you love. It’s completely understandable that you would be sad about it. You’re taking the first step to returning to karate by going in for that surgery. May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be ever at your back.
+1 here: I’m not myself without Karate. Just getting back into the groove, and lost 2 weeks from an ankle sprain, 1 more week from pulled quads (in PT, no less!)
I’m pulling for ya, hoping surgery goes without a hitch, minimal pain, and minimal medication.
Ouch! I am sure that really hurts. But don’t worry everything is going to be okay. Just get so hurry. It will heal fast if you take a good care of it. I know that because I also experience that kind of injury when I was a kid.
So sorry you’re still dealing with this crap, ugh. May the surgery go without a problem.
I’m gonna be in Philly from the 28th through the 2nd of August for a friend’s birthday. Hoping we can hook up while I’m there.