June 23, 2009

The “I Suck” Makes a Comeback

This is an embarrassing post to write, but I feel I'm doing it for the greater good. I can't be the only martial artist to ever feel this way. . .

Lately, I've done a good job of talking myself into having a positive attitude. Sure, I have my moments; but whenever I start to get that feeling of self-doubt, I've been able to replace it. A simple, "you can do this!" has been effective and useful.

But last night, I couldn't turn off the voice inside my head that was screaming out loud and clear, "YOU SUCK!" At one point, I actually said "I suck" out loud. It was completely unintentional. It was like my inner self was so disgusted with myself that my body just said it all on its own.

My internal "You can do this!" mantra was replaced with "no you can't" and it was a rough and humbling night for me.

We were working on self defense last night at the dojo. Self defense has always been an area that I felt I could handle. I don't have a ton of fancy moves or anything, but I have always felt pretty confident in my abilities to defend myself. I've had real life experience after all, and I did just fine in that situation; better than fine, actually. And that was before any martial arts training.

A long time ago, I did blind-folded self defense at the dojo and it was an unsettling experience at first. But as each person quietly walked in and attacked me, I held my own. At the end of the night, I felt like it had been a real learning experience for me. I had gone into it expecting to fail and I had done just fine. It was a real confidence builder.

A few months ago, we had what we lovingly refer to as "Okinawa Night" at the dojo. It was sticky and hot and we kept the lights off for class. As it got later and darker, we moved into some self defense drills. I could only make out the shape of my attacker and that also served me well. Something clicked inside me and I made it work. It was also a real confidence builder.

Confidence is something I've needed after coming back from this ACL ordeal.

Last night was one of those nights when your confidence gets initially destroyed. We went through various self defense scenarios and we each took turns coming up with something new. Several times, what I would have usually done had already been taken so I had to come up with something new. Some of it was ok, but other stuff was just not. Add to the "not" list kneeing my poor partner where it counts. Ugh-I still feel horrible about it. I knew I was grasping for some of the techniques, and I tried to improve on it as we continued to work on things.

Then we moved onto self defense against a punch. It should be a crucial skill that every martial artist has, but I was sucking worse than I could have ever imagined. Even worse, mentally I was destroying myself. When I screwed up, I would try to get back on track, so I'd try to think about my next move. And then I'd anticipate a left punch, and a right one would come and I'd be back to almost eating a punch and feeling like a fool.

Apparently, not everything came back after ACL surgery.

I've spent so much time getting kata back in head that other things got put on the back-burner, the really important things that could mean the difference between me surviving an attack or not, got neglected. I thought I had them, that they were just there and it seems that when I'm forced into a situation where I can't see, I do better than when the lights are on. Last night showed me I have a lot to work on.

Right away, my instructor recognized that I was in a bad place and he made it temporarily worse. Instead of letting me off the hook, he pushed me. My partner threw many punches at me and I had to defend against them one after the other. Then he had "Ax-Kick Eric" throw punches to try it out on someone of a different height and with a different rhythm. I got tripped up again for a bit and my instructor stepped in to help me break out of my mental black hole.

Then he had another black belt throw punches at me. Finally, when I felt like it was never going to end, my instructor stopped things and asked me how I was feeling. He said he had counted at least 30 in a row that I had defended without a problem.

He then went on to tell me that what I was experiencing was not a problem unique to me. He said lots of people go through this. They get so caught up in other parts of karate that they forget how to defend against a simple punch. I nodded in agreement. Clearly I had.

And then he said that it had only taken me about 10 minutes to get it back. I felt a little better after that, but still foolish and inadequate.

I came home last night and had a restless night of sleep. I kept dreaming that people were attacking me and I was failing miserably at defending myself. Because I've done it in real life, I can sort of rationalize myself out of these thoughts of doubt; but it's not a good feeling to have. It's not good when your restful night is replaced with more "I suck."

After class I thanked my teacher for "torturing me" for a while and he laughed. I told him that I always hate him when we start doing something like this, but at the end I'm glad he put me through it.

Now if I could only get the "me" in my head to win during my dreams, I think I'd feel better.