The Fastest Way to Brown Belt
I came home on Saturday night after promotions and knew I couldn't possibly wait until Sunday morning's final day of training to try it on. I tied it on right over my dress and felt like I could fly.
Receiving my promotion from Hanshi and Kyoshi Heilman.
I doubt there's a black belt out there who didn't do this after promotions.
It was when I took it off and put it in my training bag's special compartment for my obi that I saw my brown belt.
My brown belt and I have been long time friends. The little fuzzies on the belt are like an old blanket, comfortable and familiar. I've had that brown belt longer than I had any of my previous belts. It saw me train and get ready for my black belt, only to go on a long break when I tore my ACL. It waited patiently for me.
When I received my promotion to brown belt, I couldn't imagine ever feeling better about a promotion. When I had started taking karate, I thought it would be cool to someday be a green belt. Brown was completely unexpected and felt amazing.
Black belt feels that way too, but mulitiply it by about a million.
I knew I could take the brown belt out of my bag, but I didn't. I took it along with me for training on Sunday. I had this little nagging feeling in the back of my head that this wasn't for real, that Saturday night's promotions had been completely in my dreams.
I arrived at the dojo a little later than I had planned to after having to turn around and drive back home to grab my camera. In the locker room, I pulled it out and began tying it on. Kyoshi H was in the locker room and I said, "I guess I can take my brown belt out of my bag now." She laughed and said that I could. She also said what I've heard so many times at the dojo. "What's the fastest way to brown belt?" The answer is to screw up as a black belt.
I scurried upstairs so as not to miss the rei in and realized I had tied my belt wrong. My new black belt friend hurried me along and reviewed how to tie the belt the correct way. We have embroidering on both sides of the belt. One side says our style and the other side says our full name in Japanese kanji. You have to get them on the right sides. I tied it correctly and headed out onto the floor.
"Ax-Kick Eric" displaying the kanji on my obi.
As a brown belt at annual training, when it's time to line up, you hang out at the back of the floor and allow all the black belts to take their spots before you find your spot in the very back. There are usually only a handful of brown belts at training anyway. My friend and new Shodan Bob said "come on!" and quickly moved up far beyond where we've ever been able to stand. It felt completely surreal.
Hanshi made the announcements, congratulated the new promotee's and we were off to our first session. I had to keep pulling my belt tight. I forgot what it's like to have a new belt. It's been a while.
We had a great day of training. I spent the morning in Kyoshi Hayes' session and spent the second session spending some more time working on what I had just learned in Kyoshi Hayes' session. There's so much to take in and if you don't work on it right away, it tends to disappear.
Picture with two of my instructors: Hanshi and Kyoshi Heilman.
At the end of training, we took a ton of pictures and then I headed out. It had been an amazing weekend. I thought about this being my brown belt's final ride in my training bag; and then I made the decision to keep my brown belt in my bag after all. It's like an old friend and it is a strong reminder of where I've been and how hard I've had to work to come back post-injury.
Plus, the fastest way to brown belt. . .
You know the rest. Just in case.
***More pictures and VIDEO to come! Stay tuned!!!
***Thank you for ALL the amazing emails and comments. I want to print them out and carry them with me always.
***The deadline for the Summer Serenade Contest has been extended to July 15th. Come on people. Get your lip sync on!
Legit
Euphoric.
That's how it feels to have testing finally over with.
I arrived at the dojo Friday morning for a full day of training and I practiced deep breathing on the way there. I felt confident and calm but I knew it wouldn't last. I did a session with Kyoshi Jody Paul, who I met for the very first time this weekend. It was super cool. We worked on applications of the kata Seisan and it was really fun and interesting.
Next I did a mandatory-for-those-testing session on open hand kata. Hanshi and Kyoshi H led this session and it was the last chance to run through open hand and work out any kinks. At one point, a 7th degree black belt, one of the Kyoshi's who sits on the judging board and decides whether or not you get the black belt, was standing nearby watching me intently. He was not making a good face.
When I was finished with the kata, he made that face again and asked me, "Are you planning on doing the kata like that tonight?" with an absolutely disgusted face and tone.
I smiled and laughed a little and directed my attention back up front. This was obviously the head games I had heard so much about. I wasn't going to let it bother me.
Kyoshi B came out on the floor and started joking around with me a bit. Then he told me he could be bribed with a case of beer.
Sweet. I took a mental note.
I spent the rest of the afternoon doing various kobudo weapons session and trying to stay calm. I came home for about an hour and then headed back to the dojo. I wanted to get there early. I had a cold case of beer to deliver after all.
I drove through a downpour and thought it was a bad sign. Then, as I was pulling off the exit for the dojo, a beautiful rainbow appeared above the exit. I took that as a good sign. A few seconds later it started to hail and I told myself it was silly to read into the weather.
I dropped the cooler bag off by Kyoshi B's own cooler and got ready for testing. When Kyoshi B came upstairs I told him I had a little surprise for him downstairs. He went downstairs, came back up a few minutes later, walked across the floor and hugged me. It was a Sam Adams variety pack. I don't mess around with my bribes.
Kyoshi B began telling everyone that I could do no wrong and that I had already passed. It was pretty awesome. I was especially glad I had brought him the beer, when during a tunfa kata, I dropped my one tunfa. My hands were so sweaty and I didn't have my grip right because of it. I bumped my body with the tunfa and down it went. Holy freaking nightmare of all nightmares!
I picked it up in a split second, jumped right back into the kata and hoped no one saw anything. Since I was in the front, I knew this was wishful thinking. I also know, however, that they look at how you act when you screw up. Do you get flustered, lose your focus, or get back in the game? I got back in the game and tried to put the screw-up out of my head.
I was shaky and nervous despite the fact that my head was telling me to be calm. I made it through all of my kobudo kata (three bo, two tunfa, two sai, and one nunchaku) and was getting my head ready for individual kata when they told us we were going to do bunkai.
This is when the tide turned for me. I got out there, took a deep breath, looked at my partner and knew it was time to show what I could do with Choun No Kun. And I did it.
At one point during the bunkai when I go down on one knee and strike my partner's knee with the bo, I heard Kyoshi H say "I like that." I knew things were going well at that point.
Despite the fact that I avoided any and all eye contact with the Renshi-Kai during all the previous kata, after my bunkai I looked at them. The temptation to see their reaction was too great. My teacher's seemed pleased with me and nodded approvingly. The whole dojo clapped and I walked backwards on an absolute high.
We got a five minute break between kobudo and open hand and I ran to the bathroom as fast as I could. I had been drinking a LOT of water during the breaks between kata as the people testing for higher ranks went up. While downstairs, Kyoshi H came into the bathroom and said what an awesome job people were doing. She told me I was doing well. I came back upstairs and Hanshi smacked me good on the arm and said, "Good Job!" and I felt such amazing relief. Despite the fact that I practically threw my one tunfa at the judging board, I was still in the game.
Several people who were watching offered words of encouragement and some "good job's" as well and I felt ready for open hand.
Open hand kata went fast and furious. We FLEW through the katas and at the end of each one, the Renshi Kai would look at each other, nod a bit, and we'd move on. EVERYONE was doing very well. We had a great group up there testing.
Then it was on to bunkai for open hand. I did Pinan Yondan. I did the first moves just fine and then worm-holed into the third sequence without doing the kick. Yikes! So the dilemma was to either continue on and forget the kicking business or do it and then move on. I chose to do it. When it was over, my partner said he hadn't even realized I messed up. Here's hoping no one else did either. I just sort of rearranged things a bit; that's all.
When it was over and we were doing the final rei out, I felt such accomplishment. I hadn't been perfect, but I'd done well and I certainly showed that I wasn't going to get all frazzled when I messed up. I was so proud of my training friends too, who had kicked butt out there. We all had.
One of the women Renshi came up to me after testing and told me I had done a good job. She said I had good focus and that I seemed relaxed. She told me that sometimes, when I get really focused, I tend to look down and keep my gaze down. She told me to work on that and I said I would. She also added that she was being really picky and that I had done well. Afterwards I thought about it and realized that I had been making really good eye contact with Hanshi's coffee that was sitting on the floor at one point. She was definitely right.
After changing, we were asked to have a beer with the Kyoshi I "bribed." It was the best tasting beer I think I've ever had. Then I met my training friends at Applebee's and we celebrated with appetizers and drinks.
Oh What A NIGHT!
Yesterday was my last official day as a brown belt. I spent it doing Goju Ryu drills with an amazing woman. I have rainbow colored arms today. I also spent time with Kyoshi Hayes doing application drills and Kyoshi Jody Paul doing tai sabaki.
Last night was the banquet and there was no better feeling than having my name called to go up front and get my certificates, black belt, and kobudo patch. You see, it's not just one black belt. It's two.
That's right.
1st Dan Okinawan Kenpo Karate
1st Dan Okinawan Kenpo Kobudo
That, my friends, would be me.
I stood there after accepting my certificates and belt and grinned ear to ear. I thought about my crutches, now residing in the basement, with "Nintai" (Persevere) written down the sides of them. I thought about my many months of physical therapy where all I wanted to do was be able to walk without a limp. I thought about my physical therapist who helped me get through so many rough days. I thought about my karate training friends who kept me in the loop, the ones who ultimately got me back in the dojo because I couldn't imagine not training with them. I thought about my trainer who pushed me and encouraged me and made me physically and mentally strong. I thought about my teachers who've pushed me, while always being understanding about my knee and its limitations. I thought about my friends who've been cheering me on from near and far; and my family who has been so understanding of my very long training hours and absence at home.
And I also thought to myself. . .
Black Belt Mama. . . My blog is now officially legit.
Black Belt Mama is indeed a black belt.
***A very special thank you to Donna of Crzegurl Design. Love you!
I’ve Been Keeping a Big Secret
For the past month or so, you may have noticed that my writing became less and less about karate. It's not that I haven't been writing about it. I've just been keeping a big secret. When I started writing this blog many years ago, I decided to call it "Black Belt Mama." Calling it "Green Belt Mama" seemed silly. I wasn't planning on staying that color or rank forever. The whole purpose of the blog was to write about my journey to Shodan and beyond.
In October 2007, I was feeling ready to test and then I tore my ACL and my martial arts world was shattered. It's been a long and challenging road back. I decided after my injury, that if I stayed a brown belt forever, I'd be ok with that. I have never been the girl who intended upon getting her black belt and leaving. I've always known that Shodan is just the beginning. If I had to stay at 1st kyu forever, well then "1st Kyu Forever" sounded like a decent blog name too. . .
On Friday night however, I'll get the opportunity to make my blog name legit. That's right people. I've been holding out on you. I am testing for Shodan Friday night.
I've known for a while and I've been working really hard at it. I've frequently been in the dojo four or five times a week for the past few months, sweating more than I ever have, even more than when I work out with my killer of a trainer.
When I officially found out, I told my good blogging friend John Vesia of Martial Views. He strongly recommended I keep it to myself, saying that he thought I'd go into it with more personal spirit if I kept it quiet on the blog. I agreed and so I kept quiet about it. I decided to tell all of you today, because my personal spirit is plentiful. I decided to tell you today, because I know so many of you have followed my journey and have been pulling for me. I think I'll feel even better knowing that I have all of you cheering me on from afar, keeping your fingers, eyes, and appendages crossed, and maybe even saying a little prayer that all goes well.
Plus, if I don't pass the test, you'll all wonder why I moved to Siberia and decided to abandon the blog. If you don't hear from me at all next week, this way, you'll know what happened.
What you'll find below is my writing over the past couple weeks as I entered the final preparation for testing. See, I wasn't really holding out on you after all. 😉
June 1, 2009
A couple weeks after I returned to karate, people started preparing for annual training and testing. Many people from our dojo are testing this summer for varying ranks and although I had at once hoped that I returned in enough time to get sharp before testing, I wasn't getting my hopes up.
Each week, as I stood in class people continued to ask me if I was going to test this summer.
"No," I'd say, "I doubt it."
"Yes, you are," my one particular 1st kyu training friend would say.
Usually testing is in August. This year it got moved up to June. I felt like losing those two months put me at a huge disadvantage. I felt like I needed those two months. I concentrated on getting the kata back in there and kept the thought of testing on the back burner.
A couple week ago, I arrived at the dojo a little early for the second class and was stretching out my legs when I overheard Hanshi say "I'm going to kill her." Kyoshi and another Renshi-Kai instructor were talking with him just then and although I wasn't at all paying attention to their conversation before, this killing business caught my attention. I sat up straight and looked at Hanshi as he walked by me and he kind of gestured at me and laughed that Hanshi laugh where you don't know if he's going to tickle you or potentially end your life.
I looked at Kyoshi and Mr. M with a puzzled look and said it wasn't very comforting to hear a 9th degree black belt say they are going to kill you. Mr. M said, "He's talking about testing." Kyoshi, Hanshi's wife added, "He's just kidding." Although I maybe should have assumed that they intended for me to test this summer then, I left it go right over my head. I mean, he didn't have to kill me this summer. He could wait until next summer to kill me right? I was in complete denial, despite the fact that I have more than enough time in between 1st kyu and Shodan, despite the fact that I've been a 1st kyu since 2007.
Still denying that it was happening, I continued to train as if I was going to test, but assumed I was not. That seemed to work well for me and I continued to get my kata back, work on bunkai and feel better each time I trained. I was spending a lot of time in the dojo-at least four nights a week.
Two weeks ago, Hanshi approached me during a water break at a black belt/wanna-be-black belt training session over the weekend. He said he wanted to let me know he'd be looking at my kata, open hand and kobudo and bunkai, but that I should take the kumite worry off the table. I had told him during our dojo dinner that my surgeon told me it was taking an unnecessary risk to spar again.
As he told me this, I nodded and then he walked away. In my head, I was thinking "Are we going to spar today?" and then it hit me, "He's talking about testing!"
I eeked out a quiet and shocked "thank you."
After the training session, I found my long-time training friend and instructor and told him about my encounter.
"So, do you think that means I'm testing?" I asked him, still wanting a billboard, I guess, to make it perfectly clear to me.
"Yeah, I think it's pretty clear that you are," he said and then may have mumbled something about me needing a sledge hammer to hit me over the head with it.
Still, I continued to train hard but didn't quite believe it. I did, however, tell my 1st kyu friend that "yes, I'm testing" to which he probably responded with "told ya so." I didn't write about it because I honestly still didn't believe it.
Last week, I got an email from Hanshi, asking me for my belt size. He was ordering the black belts. I think it was probably one of the best emails I've ever received. It was certainly the sledge hammer my head needed.
I have been training for this for so long and I can't believe that testing is now less than four weeks away. I've been training about 12 hours per week and falling asleep rehearsing my bunkai in my head as I drift off. I've been living and breathing karate now for months and although I didn't think it was possible a few months ago, I now know that I am close to being ready for that test.
Honestly though, just being recognized by my instructors, that they think I'm ready to test has been such an honor already. When I think about the fact that 19 months ago, I couldn't even walk on my own, I know I've come a really long way. This is one journey that is about to get a lot more interesting.
June 4, 2009
Tonight, Big I spent some time drawing while I was busy working out on the dojo floor. When I was finished, she handed me her finished product. On it was a list. It said:
"These are the top 5 reasons why I like you:"
1. smart
2. funny
3. tough
4. sweet
5. Black Belt Mama
Here's hoping she's right about that last one. We'll find out in 22 days.
June 9, 2009
This week, I will pre-test before the actual black belt test on June 26th. I think I've already been pre-tested on some levels. This past Saturday, Hanshi was obviously watching me and another 1st kyu very closely. He offered some suggestions and corrections, but overall, I think we both did fairly well.
I definitely know my stuff. Now I'm working on making sure I have things exact, making sure I have all the movements of the kata, and trying to incorporate proper breathing.
I've been fluctuating between being a little nervous to just wanting it over with. After spending Monday through Thursday nights at the dojo and sometimes Saturday mornings too for weeks now, I am definitely tired. I also think I'm ready.
I know I'm going to have nerves on the night of the test, but I am hoping that I know my stuff well enough that I can put the nerves away or use them as fuel and just go on auto-pilot.
Last night, I spent three hours at the dojo. Five of us went through our kobudo and open hand bunkai and then we moved into kata. We did every open hand kata and then made our way through all of the kobudo katas. I made a couple mistakes, but the worst one was when I brought my bo around and came a little too close to my bulky knee brace. The bo got caught on the side of the brace and flew out of my hands and onto the floor. I yelled as it happened because it surprised me so. The guys kept going and I just picked my bo up and got back into the flow.
When we were finished with the kata, one of the guys told me that if that happens in testing, I'm going to get laughed at, but I should just smile, take the hits and get ready for the next thing. Mistakes happen, everyone makes them. I'm just hoping that I don't have such a huge one like that one while testing.
Summer testing is well attended. In addition to all of the Renshi-Kai sitting up front, the floor is usually surrounded by observers and the waiting area is frequently standing room only. It's a lot of pressure and it's also extremely hot. Our dojo only has window air conditions and when there are that many people? They don't really do the trick.
Last night, I think I could have wrung out my gi after practicing for three hours. I doubt the night of testing will be any different. I've put a lot of sweat equity into preparing for testing and I am hoping it pays off with steady nerves and a good performance on the night of testing.
June 10, 2009
Last week, I was mentally exhausted. In addition to many hours at the dojo, I was having killer problems with allergies. My allergy meds make me a grumpy girl. It was a bad week. Last week, I couldn't imagine training like I've been training for even one more week.
This week, things are different.
On Saturday I'm leaving for a week at the beach. This week it's been my mission to make sure I have everything planned out and solidly in my head before I leave. When I come back from vacation, there are only three nights of training before I'll officially test. In order for me to enjoy my vacation, I need to be ready before vacation.
I am hoping that Hanshi will allow me to pre-test tomorrow night. I'm ready to roll and if I am allowed to do it tomorrow, then I'll be able to leave with the rest of my family on vacation. If not, I'll have to kiss them goodbye and drive to North Carolina by myself once I finish up on Saturday. I'm not excited about a solitary drive over the Chesapeake Bay Bridge/Tunnel, envisioning the movie "Daylight" no doubt as I frantically speed through the tunnels solo. I am really hoping I get to pre-test tomorrow for that reason. Hanshi's response was "maybe Thursday" when I asked.
I'll be saying a little prayer tonight.
I definitely feel ready. I know there are things I can still fix, but I've worked out as many kinks as possible.
Tonight at the dojo, I asked one of my black belt friends how exactly you're supposed to put the black belt on. Our black belts come with writing on both ends of the belt. One end says our style and the other says our name in Japanese kanji. Another 1st kyu and I got a lesson in how to tie it tonight and I'm hoping I can get it right if I pass the test.
16 days until official testing. At this point, I just want to get it over with. It seriously can't come soon enough. After all the hard work and late nights of training, I now understand why new Shodan's sometime disappear for a little while. I'm not planning on disappearing after the test, but this five days a week at the dojo business is going to stop. I think I'll probably sleep for a week.
June 11, 2009
Tonight, another first kyu and I pre-tested for our black belts. I had imagined pre-testing as a sweaty and exhausting affair. It was not at all what I expected.
Hanshi took me and the other 1st kyu downstairs while everyone else continued training upstairs. I thought he'd have us run through our open hand and kobudo kata, and possibly our bunkai, but we didn't.
Instead, Hanshi asked us to get into a good seisan stance. He then asked me how I would explain and demonstrate this stance for a new student. We went back and forth like this for a while, getting into different stances and having Hanshi ask us questions about them. We'd do several kicks and then he'd ask us to explain different things about the kicks. After we were finished explaining, he'd add to it. I learned so much about my style, Okinawan Kenpo, tonight.
At one point, Hanshi was having a conversation with another teacher and the other 1st kyu looked at me and said quietly, "Are you nervous?"
I said, "No, I'm not." The truth is, I didn't even know how to be nervous because what he had us do was so completely unexpected. I didn't have time to be nervous about it. I just answered the questions the best that I could and got ready for the next one.
The other 1st kyu and I did just fine. Sure, we stumbled over some explanations from time to time, but when all was said and done, Hanshi nodded and told us that he knows we can do our kata. He wanted to see how we would teach something to someone else.
If tonight is any indication of how I'll be during the actual test, just 15 days from now, then I think I'll be fine. I didn't have any nerves. I just did my thing (the thing I did just wasn't what I was expecting was going to be expected of me).
In two days I leave for vacation and I can now go with a clear head. I haven't allowed myself to even think about the beach because pre-testing has been my only focus. Tomorrow I'm going to pack, making sure to take my karate weapons along for the ride. This week I'll relax, spend time with my family, and practice kata on the beach. When I come back, I'll have less than a week until testing.
And I?
I'll be ready.
June 24, 2009
So I was completely naive to think that pre-testing was over with. Last night was four hours of pre-testing. We started off with self defense. The six of us who are testing lined up in a row and took turns going through three rounds each of attacking the person at the front of the line. We started with wrist, arm, and lapel grabs. Each of us fought off 15 attacks while being carefully watched.
We took a little break, went around and said what we could improve on and then we were back at it. This time it was headlocks and all kinds of chokes. By the end of these rounds, we all had red necks and some fingerprint indentations.
Next, we did some kata. While I was on vacation, the rest of the testing group did their kata and had to do their testing kata solo. I had to do every kata solo last night. Not only that, but for the last four, I had to do it in front of three of the Renshi-kai (the people who decide whether or not you get your black belt-the very high up's who have been doing karate forever).
For the first kata, my least favorite of them all, Nai Hanshi Sandan, I kept messing up. I ended up having to do it probably four times. I was doing some things incorrectly and after doing them the wrong way for so long, it's difficult to fix it right away. I did my best, but the nerves were getting the best of me. I rationalized that I better get used to people looking at me before Friday so I made myself get over it and got back on track.
Surprisingly enough, the two kata that I thought I would get killed on, I didn't. One is a breathing kata, Seisan, and the other, Pinan Godan, starts off with some of that same breathing business. I frequently forget to breathe during other kata, but during these two, I have practiced plenty and feel at least adequate. The Renshi-Kai made a couple minor corrections, but I ended on a fairly good note.
One of the other guys who is testing came up to me and told me my pre-test had been "trial by fire." Apparently, while I was away, no one else had to do all their kata in front of so many Renshi-Kai, and add to that by themselves. To be honest, I'm thankful. It gave me really good practice for Friday night and I'm always grateful for corrections. I'm even more grateful when they nod an "ok" to you, that you've done things well. Man, do those feel good; they actually feel more like relief.
While everyone else took a water break and the Renshi-Kai discussed things quietly, I took to the floor and worked on Nai Hanshi Sandan some more. It is so difficult to fix these things that you've been doing wrong for so long, but I don't want to mess it up on Friday night. Kyoshi came out and did the kata with me a few times and I got more details on how to do things properly.
Then it was on to self defense against a club, knife and gun. It was very challenging, but I did my best. I tried to draw on things I've practiced in the past and just go with it. Thinking about things too much has definitely been my enemy lately. I think I did ok. I wasn't perfect by any means, but I don't think anyone really was. It was one of those things you just get through to the best of your ability, and resolve to work on in the future.
I left the dojo around 11 p.m. and arrived home completely exhausted but unable to sleep. Something tells me the inability to sleep is going to only get worse before Friday.
This morning, I have a very sore neck (chokes and head-locks I'm thinking), a sore spot on my jaw, and a super sore spot on the back of my hand that I have no idea how I got. I'm thinking though, that if I got through last night, then I can definitely make it through Friday night's testing. Maybe that was the whole point.
The “I Suck” Makes a Comeback
This is an embarrassing post to write, but I feel I'm doing it for the greater good. I can't be the only martial artist to ever feel this way. . .
Lately, I've done a good job of talking myself into having a positive attitude. Sure, I have my moments; but whenever I start to get that feeling of self-doubt, I've been able to replace it. A simple, "you can do this!" has been effective and useful.
But last night, I couldn't turn off the voice inside my head that was screaming out loud and clear, "YOU SUCK!" At one point, I actually said "I suck" out loud. It was completely unintentional. It was like my inner self was so disgusted with myself that my body just said it all on its own.
My internal "You can do this!" mantra was replaced with "no you can't" and it was a rough and humbling night for me.
We were working on self defense last night at the dojo. Self defense has always been an area that I felt I could handle. I don't have a ton of fancy moves or anything, but I have always felt pretty confident in my abilities to defend myself. I've had real life experience after all, and I did just fine in that situation; better than fine, actually. And that was before any martial arts training.
A long time ago, I did blind-folded self defense at the dojo and it was an unsettling experience at first. But as each person quietly walked in and attacked me, I held my own. At the end of the night, I felt like it had been a real learning experience for me. I had gone into it expecting to fail and I had done just fine. It was a real confidence builder.
A few months ago, we had what we lovingly refer to as "Okinawa Night" at the dojo. It was sticky and hot and we kept the lights off for class. As it got later and darker, we moved into some self defense drills. I could only make out the shape of my attacker and that also served me well. Something clicked inside me and I made it work. It was also a real confidence builder.
Confidence is something I've needed after coming back from this ACL ordeal.
Last night was one of those nights when your confidence gets initially destroyed. We went through various self defense scenarios and we each took turns coming up with something new. Several times, what I would have usually done had already been taken so I had to come up with something new. Some of it was ok, but other stuff was just not. Add to the "not" list kneeing my poor partner where it counts. Ugh-I still feel horrible about it. I knew I was grasping for some of the techniques, and I tried to improve on it as we continued to work on things.
Then we moved onto self defense against a punch. It should be a crucial skill that every martial artist has, but I was sucking worse than I could have ever imagined. Even worse, mentally I was destroying myself. When I screwed up, I would try to get back on track, so I'd try to think about my next move. And then I'd anticipate a left punch, and a right one would come and I'd be back to almost eating a punch and feeling like a fool.
Apparently, not everything came back after ACL surgery.
I've spent so much time getting kata back in head that other things got put on the back-burner, the really important things that could mean the difference between me surviving an attack or not, got neglected. I thought I had them, that they were just there and it seems that when I'm forced into a situation where I can't see, I do better than when the lights are on. Last night showed me I have a lot to work on.
Right away, my instructor recognized that I was in a bad place and he made it temporarily worse. Instead of letting me off the hook, he pushed me. My partner threw many punches at me and I had to defend against them one after the other. Then he had "Ax-Kick Eric" throw punches to try it out on someone of a different height and with a different rhythm. I got tripped up again for a bit and my instructor stepped in to help me break out of my mental black hole.
Then he had another black belt throw punches at me. Finally, when I felt like it was never going to end, my instructor stopped things and asked me how I was feeling. He said he had counted at least 30 in a row that I had defended without a problem.
He then went on to tell me that what I was experiencing was not a problem unique to me. He said lots of people go through this. They get so caught up in other parts of karate that they forget how to defend against a simple punch. I nodded in agreement. Clearly I had.
And then he said that it had only taken me about 10 minutes to get it back. I felt a little better after that, but still foolish and inadequate.
I came home last night and had a restless night of sleep. I kept dreaming that people were attacking me and I was failing miserably at defending myself. Because I've done it in real life, I can sort of rationalize myself out of these thoughts of doubt; but it's not a good feeling to have. It's not good when your restful night is replaced with more "I suck."
After class I thanked my teacher for "torturing me" for a while and he laughed. I told him that I always hate him when we start doing something like this, but at the end I'm glad he put me through it.
Now if I could only get the "me" in my head to win during my dreams, I think I'd feel better.
Redemption, Bands and Breakfalls
For those who have been keeping vigil, wondering about the state of my back and butt, I thank you for your concern. I'm still a little sore, but I'm fine. On our last night of vacation, we went to the same restaurant. As we were ordering and I was trying to maintain proper balance on the center of my chair, a woman at the table next to us knocked her chair over and almost had a fall herself.
I call that redemption.
We wrapped up our vacation with a great last couple of days. On Thursday night, Mr. BBM and I went out to dinner by ourselves, and then went into the tavern to hear a reggae/rock band play. They were really good and we had a lot of fun (and a lot of rum). I spent a lot of time laughing at some of the locals down there who are absolutely insane.
I also invited the band to come play at a party I plan on having this summer on my new patio (once it's installed). I think they're planning on coming because as we were leaving, the guitar player gave me a high five and said, "see you at the party."
On Friday, we had a decent beach day and we spent the day building castles and having a blast. The dolphins were all over the place and my Dad spent the day kayaking around with them. Big I also took a kayak ride which ended up being much more of a ride than she bargained for. When the kayak dumped her after my dad lost his grip on the front of it, she was flipped out of the kayak and spent some time underneath it, under the water. She screamed, cried, coughed up some sea water and then told me that she had done a breakfall so that was why she was ok. Apparently, I wasn't the only one thinking about the martial arts while on vacation.
I'll be sure to post some videos and pictures, just as soon as Mr. BBM airbrushes my butt into a smaller size. Stay tuned.
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