April 14, 2009
Hanging with the Boys
Lately, at the dojo, I have frequently been the only girl in class. There are definitely more men than women at my dojo. When you break it out and look exclusively at brown belt and above, there are even more men than women. I grew up a tomboy and my best friend in high school was a guy, so this has never bothered me. I seem to get along better with guys overall. From a martial arts perspective though, I began thinking about whether or not the guys take it a little easier on me.
Last night, we were paired up and spent the entire night trying to wail on each other with bat-sized sticks. Whenever we do these drills, we ease into them gradually. We start by working out distancing. Our partner starts swinging at us when we're just a hair out of reach. Then we add movement, first small movement, then big movements. Finally, we add some evasive maneuvers and techniques to combat someone wielding a club or bat at us. By the end of the night, it's usually a sparring type situation that can get pretty intense.
I was partnered with a brown belt guy, who I believe has a black belt in another style (a heavily into kicking style). I like working with this guy; we seem to work well together. The drills went fine, and then it was time for the free-for-all stick swinging. He was taking aim at me and my first movement brought some serious pain with it for my knee. The quick movements, twisting, pivoting and off-angle stuff still freak me out and cause me some trouble. Yet almost every week, I've been taken out of my comfort zone for drills that start harmless enough, but end with me being a nervous wreck. I simply haven't figured out how to adjust to my knee situation. My previous stances are uncomfortable so I've been forced to find new ways to stand. Something as simple as which foot to put in front is now troubling and feels uncomfortable.
It's really difficult to think about the stick swinging at your head when you're more worried about your knee and messing it up again. After the initial tweak however, I was able to make it through the drill. I got hit a couple times (thank God we had switched over to plastic), and I mostly felt like a total idiot. Being a teacher and having previously done a lot of public speaking, you'd think I could handle a little audience, but the four guys standing on the side were freaking me out too. They're all good, and I feel like I'm not, so it can be intimidating.
Later, I watched the guys switch it up and continue going at it. When my partner was out there with someone else, it was intense. He was throwing in some good kicks and techniques and I was really impressed. I also got the feeling that he had been taking it easy on me.
This, for a girl, is good and bad. It's good because I am smaller than these guys. Even though I'm of similar height to most of them, I am definitely a light weight. I don't fit the typical body type of a female karate-ka, at least not most of the ones I've seen and been around. Despite months of busting my butt at the gym, there's nothing you can really do when your genes say you'll be a 5'9", 135 lb string bean. I've built muscle, but it's still on my spaghetti frame. So, for that reason, I guess being treated a little differently is good.
I also think the guys are cautious around me because of my knee. They know I'm terrified of being injured again, and so they approach drills with me with kid gloves on. I get that, and I do appreciate it. But I guess there's a part of me that wishes it was otherwise. When I watch the guys out there, throwing each other around, and getting intense, I'm a bit jealous.
That's never going to be me. I'm not the girl who will be fondly recalled years from now as "the scrapper." I doubt there will be any legends told about me and my skills twenty years from now. I'm feeling more and more like I'm the blend-into-the-background type of girl in the dojo and I'm not sure how I feel about that.
People comfort themselves by saying that there's a reason for everything and that things happen for a reason. I, for one, would like to know the reason for some of these things. Like the ACL injury, for example. What was the purpose of that? Was it to make me quit karate? Was it to make me appreciate it more? Was it a giant smack-down from someone above telling me I'm out of my league? I know it's made me into a person who enjoys going to the gym and working out, but how does that fit in with karate and how things go at the dojo? Right now, I'm not seeing how the working out has benefited my karate. Will it make me a better martial artist in the long run? Will it harm my progress because I'm afraid (rightfully so), and because others are afraid to hurt me?
I don't want to go to the dojo and get a beat-down each week (I seriously can not sustain another injury), but at the same time, my purpose for being at the dojo is primarily self-defense. If the guys are taking it easy on me, then isn't this doing me harm in the long-run? Am I now seen as the delicate flower of the dojo? If that's the case, I'm not happy about it.
Last night I got home and iced my knee for a while. Then I had Mr. BBM come swinging at me and I tried to take him down using one of the techniques we worked last night. Without him knowing what I was going to do, and without him taking a dive for me, I simply couldn't make it work. Granted, he is bigger than the guys I usually work with, but it's still frustrating when something that had worked only hours ago, now doesn't.
As martial artists, we need compliant partners until we've learned the proper technique and control, but are my partners being too easy on me when it comes to helping me make techniques work? Is it because I'm a girl? Is it because of the ACL injury? Am I doing the same thing to them? Unfortunately, I don't think there are any easy answers to these questions.
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Things You Could Care Less About
I think it’s ok for them to take it easy on you for now, as long as they aren’t patronizing you. I think there’s a big difference. I can’t imagine these guys feel anything less than respect and admiration for a woman of your accomplishment in martial arts, and I can imagine they all feel a bit protective of you as men are naturally prone to do. I say embrace your womanhood but step up and ask when you need them to be rough on you for the purpose of training. They’ll do it. Of course they will 🙂
One thing you have to remember is that the longer people train together, the more they develop a sense for their partner’s strengths, weaknesses, and comfort level. This sense allows them to set the intensity level without having to speak about it. I think most people at the dojo, myself included, haven’t figured out how to treat you yet. This could be because you’re currently easing back into training after your injury and nobody wants to re-injure your knee. It could also be that most men have been ingrained with the notion that it’s wrong to hit a woman, so they unconsciously take it easy on you. If you’re feeling confident with your techniques, then just ask your partner to kick it up a notch. You should allow your partner to take it to the point that you’re just outside your comfort level, but still able to complete the technique most of the time. You can’t really improve when you always win or when you always lose. That’s just my two cents.
There’s definitely no patronizing. I train with a really great group of guys who have a healthy respect for the fact that I will totally blog them. 😉
BBM
That is definitely true. I think you’re right about the injury stuff and the ingrained girl stuff. Good advice too.
BBM
I can relate to your situation. At my school, there are just 3 female black belts over the age of 40 (myself included) and only a handful of younger color/black belts. It’s not at all unusual to be the only woman in class and the mens’ responses vary. Some are mindful that I’m smaller and not as strong and others (especially those teenage boys) came at me with all they’re worth. I think both responses are okay, depending on what I’m looking for on a particular day.
When we’re doing escape drills, for instance, I need the bigger guys to really grab me and hold on so I can figure out what escape works best for my 5’3″ body. But when I’m sparring, it’s more sport (for me) and I need those guys to keep in mind that I’m operating with a bum wrist and a terrible fear of another concussion. (The last one was the result of an over-zealous thrower and my poorly executed back fall.)
I think TSM is right. As long as no one is patronizing you, it’s okay they’re taking it easy. You’re recovering from a terrible injury. I don’t think you’re giving yourself enough credit. In a real life attack, all your training will kick in. (At least that’s what my master keeps trying to reassure me!)
For me, it’s definitely about your knee. As an instructor, I think it’s my duty to make sure everyone *does* take it semi-easy with you for awhile so that you can play in the reindeer games. Rather than making you sit on the sidelines for fear of risking injury, I believe if we take things slowly and progressively we will eventually be able to go at full pace.
Personally, this has nothing to do with gender, body type, or disposition. Making people step out of their comfort zones is a great pleasure for me (as you know), but safety and the long-term of your training are more important than keeping up with anyone else (I think).
As for the effectiveness of the technique – don’t get too down about that! It takes a really long time to make this stuff work on command, and as you saw during class, we all make mistakes and flubs. The boys in that class were indeed all black belts (including your partner in a different style), so use that as encouragement and a milestone for where you can be in a relatively short amount of time.
All I can say is what everyone else has said – I think that the biggest issues is (one) you’ve been out of the action for a while and they’re not sure how to treat you and (two) they are probably just as worried about hurting your knee as you are! I know our Sensei reminds us before some one who’s been injured comes back to take it easy on them and not LET them go all out.
As for being a woman, I COMPLETELY understand. I have been the ONLY woman in my dojo for quite a while and, except for the rampant tampon-jokes, its not usually a big deal. I love the advantage I have in throws (most are a foot taller then me – I can toss them fairly easily). But then I do get frustrated sometimes. I have had guys refuse to spar with me because they “didn’t want to hit a girl.” My Sensei told me to wail on them. Honestly, he was probably more afraid I actually WAS better than him, and didn’t want to LOSE to a girl. Then there’s always that uncomfortable moment when a guy realizes he graised your boob and gets shy. Or when he has to go in for something sensitive, like grabbing your thigh or leg. (I have accidentally got guys in the nuts a few times – SO sorry. I just don’t THINK about how sensitive that part is. Oh, and wear a cup already!)
I do hate it though that, if we ever DO have another girl, I am always, always partnered with the girl. I get frustrated because our pairings should be based on height/weight, not sex. The one other girl (out for injury these last few months) is much taller and thinner than I. She and I would be better paired with men closer to our sizes, but yet our Sensei places us two girls together, and we never learn what its like to face another.
I ENJOY training with guys because they don’t let me wimp out or back down, and I LOVE their intensity. Envy.
But there will always be gender differences in the dojo.
Glad to see I’m not the only one as thinks about this stuff.
I used to be the only woman at Tae Kwon Do. Sparring was difficult because I felt the guys didn’t want to hurt me. They were stronger than I was, but I was quicker.
But I know how they felt. I once had to spar with a girl who was like 14 or 15. She was black belt, but I was still afraid to hurt her!
Thank you Carmella. Teenage boys do have quite a reputation for that huh? So do pre-teens, especially when one happens to be pregnant. Oh man-bad memories.
Ok, makes sense. And yeah, you do enjoy the whole out of your comfort zone stuff and I never minded it before in the slightest! The knee has added a whole new layer and it’s making any drills with sparring-like stuff difficult, which makes me get down on myself and then write posts like this. 😉
I keep hearing my surgeon saying “don’t do it-you only want to go through this once” and he is so right. It’s hard to stop thinking about it when I’m running around in the same place where I tore it completely.
Yeah, I wouldn’t like always being paired up with another girl, just because she’s a girl either. The truth is, our most likely attacker, as a woman, is a man. Always being partnered up with another woman doesn’t make sense. And no, you are definitely not alone in thinking about this stuff.
Ooh, I felt that way too when sparring with kids. And years ago, I had one boy who used to kill me with really strong kicks, in front of his mom, which made me even more afraid to do anything.
You can tell the difference between working with guys and girls. Tonight in class, we did one steps and Ho Sin Sul and we swapped partners regularly. I only worked with one girl. The rest were guys. I definitely noticed the difference from working with the girl and the guys. The girl was more aggressive, I think. The guys, well, the first Gups, were more apt to be a bit restrained. They should have been more aggressive, especially as I’m a Dan and should be able to handle the punches/kicks/whatever.
I hope you’re able to figure that out – I know it must be frustrating. In the end, though, as long as you’re enjoying class, that has to be the most important thing.
Anything having to do with the knee is super frustrating, even tying my shoes. It’s so annoying. I definitely enjoy class; I just wish I was a little more comfortable in my own skin and didn’t think about my knee all the time.
BBM
Maybe you should start drinking before class. Heh.
I think 5’9/135 lbs is a good athletic build for a woman. But I don’t think there’s a “typical” body type for karate people, male or female. Maybe in Okinawa or Japan, but here it seems to run the gamut.
As for your dojo mates taking it easy on you, you could just voice your opinion. Especially when you’re paired up working self-defense, you want a certain degree of realism. Training with realistic intent doesn’t necessarily mean coming at someone like a truck with full power and speed either.
It is certainly not a gender thing. Get that out of your head now, that’s toxic thinking. You have shown more heart and determination in your recovery and return to the dojo (and have gone through more to get back) than any of us. You have not only earned much deserved respect but also a good bit of admiration. Take a little well earned pride in where you are now and how you got there.
As far as the competitive side, here is a lesson I learned long ago. The only person you are ever in competition with is you. If you try to be as good or better than anyone else you’re missing the point completely.
Yes, we probably do take it easier on you than some of the others in class. But most of us have been working together for several years. You have only been back in the dojo for six weeks. We have more of a comfort level with each other and that is very important for the saftey of everyone. We all started out slow with each other too. Give it some time and we’ll find that good working tempo with you as well.
Remember, that you have already demonstrated the true heart of a warrior and no injury will ever take that away from you. You will eventually find your inner tigress and set her free. It is strong women such as you and Kyoshi Heilman (yes, I grouped you two together)that I want my daughters and students to be exposed to. Your story will be repeated many times in the years to come. Suprise, you are a role model, like it or not.
That was really REALLY nice of you to say. Thank you.
BBM
I say, forgetaboutit. Here’s why. I spar with each person differently. Guys, gals, old, young, strong, weak, fat, intense. I adjust to make each match appropriate.
For instance, I’m a tiny bit tall. 5’10” When I’m paired with someone 4 inches shorter, it’s dull if I just keep using my superior reach for two minutes. So instead, to get more out of it, I’ll see if I can get inside and still protect myself at a range when they have all the advantages.
I often spar a guy who is even older than me (maybe 60), he’s good but a tad frail. I’m very careful with my kicks. And, since he’s lacking in cardio (even more than me), I don’t maintain too high a pace.
With most of the ladies, I make other adjustments. For instance, I notice that many of them have the terrible habbit of when my 180 round house kick is coming in, they turn away from it and take it on the back. It’s an awful habbit and I’m not sure why so many women in our dojo have it. But, to avoid doing any damage, I avoid that kick or come in very softly just in case they turn the wrong way.
I’m also pretty sure that many of the stronger faster types have to make adjustments for me. If they push the pace hard, they know I’m going to be pretty weak those last 30 seconds so I’ve noticed that the superior fighters often let me set the pace. And the guys who are much better than me seem to focus mostly on counter-punching when they’re with me rather than just picking me apart. I noticed one of the really good guys doing an entire match with me the other day with right side forward (he’s right handed). It was actually a great match and probably much more challenging for him than just systematically picking me apart with his superior skills.
I often wish that I could go toe-to-toe full speed and full-contact with the best in my dojo. But I didn’t start until my late 40s and I’m just asking for trouble if I don’t respect that there are guys on the floor who are great and they probably are skilled at finding an appropriate speed when they’re working with me.
Oh, and I have to agree, everyone respects a come back. There is nothing harder in the martial arts than coming back.