February 21, 2009
You Can’t Always Get What You Want
When Big I was three years old and she told me she wanted to take karate, I couldn't have been more thrilled. Her interest is what got me involved in the first place. How cool was it that we could take karate side by side?
As time wore on though, I continued to get more into it and she, well, she began to lose interest. Kata stayed in my head and went in one ear and out the other with her. She walked her way through a couple testings, but she hit yellow belt (7th kyu) and she hit a wall.
Wansu presented new challenges for her and it seemed that with every move she learned of the kata Wansu, she lost three from the first two kata.
While standing beside her in class, I got frustrated. Why wasn't she being sharp in her movements? Why was she just walking through it? Why wasn't she putting more effort into it?
When I got injured, I took her out of the regular karate class and put her in the Safety Kids program. There she was able to review basics and get things into her head that didn't seem to stick the first time around. She also learned a lot of good skills about stranger safety, but her heart hasn't been in it for a while.
I don't know if it's because of my injury and inability to do karate alongside her, or if she's grown out of her interest, but her interest is gone.
She's been telling me for months now that she wants to quit. She says she's not any good at it. She watches the other kids "get it" and she just doesn't. She's been even more vocal about her dislike of karate with Mr. BBM. When he takes her to karate, he gets a sob story the entire ride home. We wanted her to stick with it. We wanted to teach her that she can't just quit everything. We wanted to instill in her a sense of hard work paying off, and let her get through this stagnant time. We wanted to watch her emerge out the other side, triumphant that she was able to learn and improve.
We told her a few weeks ago that she needs to practice, that she can't expect to be good at something when she only does it once a week for an hour. She asked me for help a few weeks ago, but every time I offered to run through kata with her, she found something better to do.
This morning, we had a conversation about kata. "What do you think it's all about?" I asked her. "Do you know what the moves mean?"
She shook her head no.
I sat her on the couch and asked Mr. BBM to come help me. I walked through Nai Hanchi Shodan, and showed her that it's not a dance, or a series of silly moves. I showed her the bunkai and smacked Mr. BBM around and down for a while to demonstrate.
"Do you see what it is now?" I asked her.
She said yes. She stood up and we walked through her kata a couple times. But about 15 minutes into it, she started whining and complaining.
"Karate isn't my thing Mommy. I don't want to do it anymore" she said as she walked away crying.
I so want it to be her thing. I think it's so important for young girls to be able to defend themselves. I wanted to keep her in class, hoping her interest would grow and emerge once again; but it's time that I've realized that at least for right now, it's not going to change. She doesn't want to do it. It's time for her to quit.
So, this week will be her last week. You can't always get what you want when you're a parent regarding your kids and it's high time I realized that.
March will be her first month off in four years, and it will be my first month back. I'm tired of being a 1st kyu. It's time I got back to working on that Shodan. Maybe watching me fight my way back will inspire her to return at some point. I can only hope.
In celebration of my return and to continue what I started last year, March is once again "Admired Martial Artists" month. There are some returning contributors and possibly a new one or two as well. Check back for details soon!
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I know the feeling; so does my teacher. He’s a Ryu Te nanadan, knows exactly what he’s doing; neither of his children care a thing about karate.
My oldest practices with me; my middle son is interested, and I’m confident that we’ll have him with us eventually; the youngest is only two, so it’s hard to say.
Darling Daughter has *no interest at all.* And, of course, she’s the one I would most like to see study! But it’s like my teacher said: You can’t *make* it happen.
BBM, I’ve been a lifelong soccer player. I played competitively until my early 40s.
I enrolled my kids in soccer, kicked with them incessantly, watched games with them, and coached their teams. Only an occasional flicker of interest. My college teammates have kids playing at very competitive levels but mine put up with soccer for a few seasons but then, worked their way out of it.
My interest in karate started watching my son. I followed him in.
I consider myself very lucky he didn’t enroll in gymnastics or diving or swimming.
Yeah, babee! It’s time for you to be back to full swing, as it were 😉 Congrats on getting yourself back into gear!
I decided long ago, and my wife supported me on this, that I would not give the kids any more choice about whether or not to start judo than I do whether or not to go to school. I consider it crucial for them to have at lease some exposure to it. We (only half jokingly) made the rule that they had to be shodan before they could date.
Fortunately, we have not had any resistance from the oldest (now 7 started when he was 5) and not much resistance from the second boy (now 5 started when he was 4). We let the third boy wear his ‘judo suit’ and move around with them mostly to the degree he wants to, and when he gets tired of it we let him wander off.
I think it helps us that the oldest is a good example to the younger brothers and that we have large kids classes with bigger kids having fun. It also helps that we do it as a seasonal sport (normal class several months, then the est of the year off). it gives the kids and the parents a break and they come back next year more fired up than before.
I suppose, If I were in your shoes (or lack of shoes) then I might let her take a break, not pester her about it, but expose her frequently to the coolness of what you are doing, with the expectation that she give it another try next year.
Or you might do something else – I’m not the Parenting Guru or anything 😉
She may decide to take it up again later. My mom enrolled me in Tae Kwon Do when I was in the 5th grade or so, and I loved it — for about a year, after which I lost interest. Much later in life I took up Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and Jeet Kune Do and enjoyed the heck out of it.
Exactly. I’m hoping that absence makes the heart grow fonder.
BBM
Thanks! I’m psyched about going back. I would have gone back this week if I hadn’t been so sick.
I feel as you do about the shodan before dating, but if she doesn’t want to do that, than she’ll just have to deal with a shodan mom in the backseat of the car when she’s on dates, and sitting behind her in the movies, and following her at the mall, and stalking her at the mini golf course, and chaperoning her dances. . . something tells me she’ll want to get back to working on that shodan eventually.
BBM
Yeah, funny thing is that she told me tonight that she wants to learn jiu-jitsu. I need to look into it. We have a program at our dojo; it’s just not for kids. Kata is just not her thing, at least not now anyway.
BBM
I’m hoping that if I take off the pressure, she’ll find her way back. I want to get back to training, work hard and have her eventually watch me test for Shodan. I think that will light a fire under her to do the same. Here’s hoping anyway.
BBM
niche posting, thx
Regards
Aliya
I think giving her a break may re-ignite her interest. I know that as a kid, I needed “breaks” from my activities or else I got burned out…and then I just couldn’t go back.
I went through the same things with my kids. I started training because my kids were interested and I thought it would be fun to do with them. My daughter still trains BJJ. My son tried it and just didn’t like it. I respect that.
I’m just trying to expose them to as many things as I can and the one that they are into enough to go do when no one asks them to is the one I’ll push. My son started playing drums a few years back and it’s a real passion. As long as they have something to keep them busy.
Wanting something for your daughter that she doesn’t want for herself will just lead to frustration. She’ll never be into it.
I like the discipline of sport and fitness. But it’s hard and requires so much for a little kid. When my kids have started something, I tell them that even if turns out they hate it, they have to finish or they let the rest of the team down. Karate, I know nothing of.
It is disappointing when your kids don’t want to do what you want!! Have faith, maybe some maturing will get her back on track. Good luck on your getting your mojo back…
PS There is going to be a Washington Tea Party on Feb 27, 12pm at the Monument….
If she did it for four years and decided that it’s not for her, that’s not quitting, either. That’s realizing that it doesn’t interest her. She may come back to it later, but in the end, the most positive thing to come out of it is how much you love it.
This is always a tough thing to face, BBM. My oldest wanted to join in as her brother and I were taking lessons, but after a few months, she started losing interest in it. She was 12 when she started and by the time she turned 13, she was at green/black belt, but wasn’t interested. The instructor let one of his assistants teach, so theyspent more time on Aikido than on Tang Soo Do. Ms. A finally gave up, and no matter what my instructor told me, she just wasn’t interested. My instructor told me that she was “manipulating” us and that she needed to stay in it for her self confidence. He never once addressed her or her complaints. She went so far as to write me a note telling me that she didn’t want to stay in martial arts because she was bored, she hated doing the Aikido and all the running around they did.
That issue was resolved when I left the school, but it kind of niggles at the back of my head. I’d love to be able to see her get her black belt, but if she doesn’t want to go, I’m not going to take her to a class and subject the rest of the class to the eye rolling and deep sighs I know she’d give them. She wouldn’t give 100%.
Maybe in time, Little I will want to go back, especially if she sees you doing it. If not, then maybe she’ll find something else to be interested in.
Either way, I know it’s not an easy decision to make.
I face a similar dilemma, but in a different way: I started taekwondo along side my son 5 years ago. He’s now 13, and a 5th gup. He has been a 5th gup for a year, and while he tells people how much he enjoys it, he doesn’t put any effort into his Poomse, he resists practicing, and he shows no enthusiasm in sparring.
He’s sat out for a few months at a time about once in each of the last 2 years. Each time, he asked repeatedly to come back, so it isn’t as if he’s burnt out.
Our Master is baffled, too. He sees my son’s potential, but understands that paying month after month without him showing he’s *into it* isn’t necessarily productive. It’s as if he wants to tell people he does karate without actually working for it.
Meanwhile, if all the stars are aligned, I’ll be testing for my 1st Dan soon. I paced myself along side him for quite some time, but was encouraged by the Master to move ahead to encourage him to follow; it really hasn’t however.
I am still hoping seeing me earn it will inspire him; time will tell.
It’s disappointing but it happens. It sounds as if you and your daughter gave it a fair try, though. My own daughter went through something similar when she was a green belt in taekwondo. She and I had been going to classes for about a year or so and suddenly, she lost interest. I was at a loss because I didn’t want her to quit and she’s really good at it. Thankfully, our school has a Black Belt Club program, which has kids make a commitment to finish. They have a special class, get to wear black doboks and use weapons. (Other kids have to wait until they are Pooms to use weapons.) When our master talked to her about joining, things turned around. I think it was the novelty and getting to do something different helped her push through. Now, she’s preparing to test for her 1st Poom in the coming months. (I think watching me test for my black belt really spurred her to go for it, too.)
Hopefully, your daughter finds her way back when she’s ready. If not, don’t forget to enjoy your own journey. Congratulations on going back!
I so understand where you’re coming from with this. Is so hard to want something that your kids just aren’t into. Giving her a break and then gently nudging her back into it just might be the thing to do. Especially if it’s something you’re wanting her to do from a self-defense level more than anything.
A lot of BJJ schools would rather the kids be a bit older (like 8 or older) to start. But if you’re wanting her to gain self-defense skills, that might be a very good option (albeit expensive to have two dojos to support!).
Hang in there!
BBM, we are struggling with this same issue in the MinivanNinja household as well. My oldest girl (she’s 10) is taking month break from TKD. She was supposed to test with me on Saturday, but she wasn’t ready and a poor performance at the test would be a real blow to her confidence considering she has been giving me grief for a while about going.
I have explained to her that it is a break, not quitting, and it was something that Grandmaster discussed with both of us. It may not be the most popular opinion, but I look at having my kids do TKD like some parents treat piano lessons. It’s not an option to quit, and they just don’t have the emotional or intellectual maturity to understand what a big accomplishment a black belt is. I’m told that “burnout” is common about halfway through to black belt, and often a small break is all that is needed to have them come back refreshed.
We also have the option to enroll her in weapons class, but not sure our pocketbook can afford the extra hit to it at the moment.