January 29, 2008

Put me Down for $0

My kids have started "answering" the phone.  This is quite disturbing for someone who considers herself the ultimate professional in phone call screening.  I wouldn’t mind so much if the kids just handed me the phone without answering it; but their little thumbs hit "talk" almost every time and I’m left to wonder exactly who the person is waiting for me.  The person waiting for me is probably wondering why they’ve been dropped 10 times and why a certain member of our household likes to heavy breathe into the phone too, but I’m more worried about me.

Over the weekend, Big I picked up the phone and hit "talk."  She handed me the phone and I assumed it was Mr. BBM or my parents.  It wasn’t.

"Good afternoon M’am.  I’m Joe Annoying and I’m calling today to represent. . . ."

He continued on for a good four minutes leaving me no opportunity to even begin to cut him off.  Plus, I was totally off my game since the phone had been answered for me.  Sigh.

Finally I had my opening as he said, "So M’am, I’ll put you down for a donation of $35 and send you a thank you decal.  I just need to get your information."

"I’m sorry, but I really can’t right now" I said.

"That’s o.k." he said cheerfully, "we have different levels.  Let me put you down for $25."

"Even that right now is going to be. . . "

"Then let me put you down for a measley donation of just $15. . ."

"I really can’t," I said.  "I just had major surgery and I have to pay for a bunch of it.  Plus I have to pay for physical therapy.  I really just can’t right now in any amount, unless of course, you’d like to go ask my health insurance company to pay more or call my doctor up and ask him to lower the amount that I owe him.  I haven’t even gotten the hospital bill yet, so you can imagine. . ."

"What kind of surgery did you have M’am?"

He was totally trying to call my bluff. 

"ACL reconstruction," I said.

"Oh MAN!" he said, "That is THE worst.  That is SO painful and awful and it takes so long to come back from it.  When was your surgery?"

"December," I said, "right before Christmas."

"Oh Man!  I should let you go.  You probably need your rest and stuff.  I’m SO sorry for bothering you today M’am.  You take it easy and have a good recovery.  Best of luck to you.  I’m really sorry for bothering you."

And with that he was gone.  He hung up.  I kid you not. 

Blink.

Blink.

After he hung up, I summoned Big I and asked her to PLEASE not answer the phone unless we know exactly who is on the other end of that phone line.  She will thank me for this lesson when she hits her teenage years and doesn’t want to go to the school dance with Harold.  Perhaps we’ll fabricate an ACL injury for her at that point.  Feel free to fabricate your own considering that it can totally get you out of tele-marketing calls.

   

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