December 13, 2007

Supercalafragilistic-anesthesiologist

I had pre-admission testing this morning and met with an anesthesiologist.

These are the things that do not make you feel reassured:

"What religion are you?" (assuming you’ll be needing forgiveness before you pass to the hereafter)
"Do you have a living will?" (Am I supposed to? I mean it’s only the 3rd anniversary of my 29th birthday, geez.)
Signing that little paper that they give you without a second thought that basically says if you die, you won’t blame them.
"1 in 100,000 people have complications from general anesthesia." (i.e. kicking buckets and such)
"Put your head all the way back and let me see your throat and teeth." (i.e. So I can see what I’m going to be dealing with when I shove a tube down your throat.)

These are the things that do make you feel reassured:

"Usually underwear is taken off for surgery. However, they do make exceptions if you can make a case for it." (Have I mentioned how good I am at making "a case" for things?)
Femoral Nerve Blocks can be left in place via a catheter for the entire hospital stay and even after you go home. In fact, some people still have them in and delivering numbing medication when they go to physical therapy for the first time. (Boo YA Baby! Can we keep that sucker in for the first week?)
I’ll also have a pain pump for the 10-20% of pain that the nerve block won’t cover. I’m not sure how much I’ll enjoy this considering that when my sister had one after back surgery, she thought my Dad had two heads and got all freaked out.
No urinary catheter. SHWEEEET!
The breathing tube will come out before I’m ever aware of it.

Everyone at the hospital this morning was super nice. In fact, they were SO nice that after my appointment, a nurse called security for me and had them go retrieve my car since we were getting freezing rain and they didn’t want me to fall on the top floor of the parking garage. Now that all the "pre" stuff is done, I’m feeling better. There’s no telling how long that will last; but even though the day is drawing closer, I’m feeling more relaxed.

Official report on underwear will come post-surgery, so stay tuned.

I better wrap up this post now. I need to start analyzing my underwear drawer to find something surgery appropriate. Maybe I should start my own surgical underwear line that features different sayings on the front and back like, "Can’t touch this," and "If you’re reading this, you’re not concentrating enough on my surgery. Back to work," and "If you can read this, you’re too close to my butt," and "Nothing to see here. Move along," and "You’re fixing my ACL so why are you reading me?" and "Does this look like a knee to you?" and "My knee is down there." Maybe I’ll make my own before Monday. Just so we’re clear, there will not be photographic evidence if such a pair of underwear is created, although it may look something like this: