November 29, 2007
To Become Her for Just One Day
My daughter came home from school today with a mark on her leg from where another child had kicked her. Through sweatpants, there was a little brush burn on her shin. I asked her what happened and she said that she walked up to this little girl, said "hi" and the girl kicked her. Big I asked the girl why she kicked her and the girl wouldn’t answer. She then proceeded to chase her around the playground, trying to kick her again.
(Deep breath.)
(One more.)
(Deep breath.)
She told her teacher and the teacher told her to go and try to work it out with the little punter. She didn’t get it worked out. I have let things go throughout the year and a half that Big I has been in school. I didn’t call when the group of brats was laughing at her last year. I didn’t call when this same little girl was stealing her snack and her crayons daily. I told her how to handle it and let her handle it herself. She always seemed willing to fight her own battles when it came to the previous incidents.
However, when another child leaves a mark on my kid???? Oh NO she DIDN’T!
I immediately called the school and asked to speak to the teacher. I told her what happened and that I was upset about it. I was livid and I think she knew it. She went to talk to the kicker who was still at school and called me back.
Meanwhile, this is me to Big I: "The next time that kid even looks like she’s going to touch you, you tell her that if she kicks you, then you are going to kick her back. And when you kick her, you drop her, Big I. And if you get in trouble at school, know that Mommy will go in there and raise hell because you have a right to defend yourself, and . . . "
So the phone rings. The punter has to sit inside for four recesses. She’s also going to see the principal tomorrow, and she’s going to apologize. Apparently the whole incident had nothing to do with Big I. The girl was frustrated with someone else so she took it out on an easy target.
I am tired of my kid being the easy target for everyone, just because she’s nice. Even the teacher said it’s because Big I is a "kind and gentle soul."
Fast forward a few hours to Big I’s karate class. I talked to her teacher (also a dad of several little ones) and told him what happened. They then spent much of the class working on playground situations, speaking up, yelling "KNOCK IT OFF" or "STOP IT" as loud and as mean as they could. They worked on using some aggression by pushing someone’s hands away or pushing someone back and yelling at the same time.
Big I started out smiling and tentatively saying "stop it." By the end of the class, she was yelling and only popping an occasional smirk. I’m going to have Mr. BBM work on some things with Big I, and have her role play some situations. She has to understand that she DOES NOT have to be nice to someone who’s not nice to her. It was great that karate class tonight reinforced sticking-up-for-yourself behavior. Now we just have to work on pulling out her inner warrior.
In the meantime, I really need to figure out some way that I could embody Big I for just one day. . .
Just one day is all I would need. . .
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Sounds like you handled it well, as did everyone else involved. I especially liked that the instructor addressed that at karate class tonight. It sure sounds as if your move to the new dojo was an excellent one.
I’m appalled with the teacher’s reaction. This is pre-school. How do you expect the kids to handle these situations themselves?
But I think what you’re doing is good. She needs to learn to stand up to these bullie when required. I’m teaching my boy that too.
I am disgusted at how the teacher handled this situation. (before you got involved) I don’t even know what to say. It is their JOB to get involved and make sure every kid feels safe at school and address the violence IMMEDIATELY. Turning a blind eye to what happens in the schoolyard is unacceptable and just plain old laziness.
Oh man… so, in defense of the other girl, they are all little kids who don’t understand how to react and aren’t really in control of their emotions. School is as much about learning how to solve social problems as it is about learning how to solve math problems.
I think that calling the school is fine, and I think it’s appropriate that the little girl was punished, but I wouldn’t go so far as to vilify her or call her a bully. From your story, it sounds like she was rejected or picked on herself. I hope that while she’s in from recess, the school counseler gives that girl some role playing ideas, too.
I am also not sure I agree with the “kick her back and drop her” advice. A kick in the shins is not in any way life threatening. Escalating the situation immediately to “dropping” the other girl makes my spidey sense tingle.
“In the meantime, I really need to figure out some way that I could embody Big I for just one day. . .”
A pair of shoes on the knees, kneel down and bingo! She looks like your mini-me already.
I tend to agree with Steve on the appropriate response. (although I COMPLETELY understand your reasoning behind it).
If Big I does respond with a kick that drops the other kid, I can hear the schools response now.
“She should have removed herself from the situation, you know two wrongs don’t make a right, it is unfair for her to respond that way because she has training in a martial art etc, etc…”
and can completely see her ending up as the one with the discipline problem (whether that is fair or not, with our litigious society it is a fact of life).
I like the approach that your Instructor chose, loud verbal response to attract a teacher’s assistance and a possible push to remove the aggressor as well as show them that you aren’t going to just sit there and take it.
I completely agree that what happened to her was totally unacceptable and that the teacher handled it very poorly, but I don’t know that having Big I attack back is the best response.
Physical violence (whether in self defense or not) can lead to expulsion and no matter who started it when the other kid is lying on the ground and Big I is standing over her she is going to look like the aggressor.
Perhaps after the apology the two of them will be able to try again and this time the other girl may respond appropriately to Big I saying hi to her.
I hope she is doing OK after all of this.
That is awesome that her class taught playground management skills! I am sorry she had to be bullied. 🙁
If you didn’t read my “Shock and Awe” post from November 21, I think you would like it because it is about anti-bully techniques.
Oh I totally understand what you are going through right now. I’ve been in the same boat more than once. I did sit my kids down, and tell them that if they feel that it is necessary to defend themselves, that Mom would be right there in the Principal’s office supporting their choice. History has proven that I keep my word. One group of grade 2 boys decided that accosting my little grade 1 daughter, holding her down and forcing a kiss on her was a good idea. My daughter gave them something else to think about as she kicked one in the crotch. The other two backed off quickly. Who was it that was brought into the office? It wasn’t the three boys. It was my daughter. Mom was there in a flash, and standing up for my daughter’s right to protect herself from sexual harrassment. I couldn’t care less if the children were young. They had NO right to touch, and kiss my daughter if she had told them NO, and did not want to be touched. I outrightly told them that I did not think that it was “cute”, and that the same behaviour done by adults would not be acceptable… so why are the teachers turning their eyes away from this instance? What are they teaching these boys about proper attitudes, and respect for others? In fact, teaching proper behaviour is MORE important at a young age.
I’m glad that your daughter is learning to defend herself from unwarranted abuse. Go get ’em!!
Poor ‘Big I’, my heart goes out to her, as I too was pushed around in school. But remembering the awful people who did that to me proved to be a big motivator to get into martial arts and work hard at it. I applaud you teaching her to stand up for herself. 🙂
For all those being contrary, I didn’t call the girl a bully. I called her the kicker and the punter. That’s what she did, so it’s an appropriate description of her. However, she kicked my kid and then chased her around trying to do it again. A “bully” would also be an appropriate name for her, at least for yesterday anyway.
For a child like my daughter who thinks that even saying no to someone is “not nice,” letting her know that she can defend herself is what’s right. Telling her she can kick someone back as hard as they kicked her will hopefully insure that she will AT LEAST speak up for herself.
I don’t want her to knock someone out. I’m not advocating my daughter going crazy on another child. I acknowledge that stuff happens and kids do these things, but when it is YOUR child, YOUR DAUGHTER whose feelings are continually hurt because another being hurts her, and when girls are raised to “be nice” and polite and not hurt people, sometimes you need to push the issue a bit to get a particularly shy one to stand up for herself. I know my daughter wouldn’t “drop” someone else, but I did want her to know that I was upset, that it’s ok that she was upset and that I will always support her for sticking up for herself.
When you’re a Mom and it’s your daughter, there are primal feelings that come out. I won’t apologize for them or in any way make excuses for them.
For the record, the little girl gave my daughter an apology letter today. I’m fine with her now, and so is my daughter.
Supergroup: That is ridiculous! I’m glad you stuck up for her. I think that as a society, we accept boys bad behavior, but when girls do something wrong they get the book thrown at them. Your daughter had the right to nail that kid and I’m glad she did. The school may not have liked it, but he won’t soon forget what happens when you go against a girl who said “no.” Good for her and good for you.
I think it is SO GREAT that they did that (used the class to teach playground defenses). Sweet Big I… =)
You are not making it any easier to send my C to school next year. Just thought I’d tell you that.
As for Big I, I’m glad she has a mother who is teaching her to stick up for herself. She is a gentle spirit who would never think of doing something that would cause another to feel hurt, physically or mentally. (She probably got that from her overly “sorry” mom.) I have a feeling that between your guidance and her karate classes, she is going to find the strength lurking within her and not let these things happen to her as she grows older.
What has happened to our public schools? This disgusts me–the teacher’s reaction. Your daughter sounds like a kind person and while I don’t advocate violence I’m glad you are teaching her at her young age that she has to stand up for herself.
Give me the name of the school, and I’ll go pop that kid. KIDDING, I would never pop a kid. But boy, I want to, and I’d leave a mark.