September 18, 2007

Love Letters

I wanted to throw my remote through my TV, my computer out the window, and put my foot through the wall. Instead, I figured I’d vent my frustration here. To steal Sarah’s line, "To some of you, this will sound like blah, blah, blah," but for those of you who know anything about fantasy football, you will feel my pain. If you have the same players I do, you will feel it so much that it will be physical pain.

Dear Reggie Brown (Phila. WR),

How are you today? Trust me, you’re better than I am today. You see, last night you were my only hope, sort of like my Obi-Wan Kenobi. I needed seven points. SEVEN. Instead you gave me two. TWO!!! Seven is not that difficult to manage. Those points could have come in the form of one touchdown pass and ten receiving yards. Or, forget the scoring altogether. Seventy receiving yards would have been sufficient. It’s not all that difficult to do. If Larry Fitzgerald can do that with Matt Leinart throwing at him, certainly you can manage that with Donovan McNabb throwing to you, right? Of course, I do realize that it’s not all your fault. Trust me when I say that McNabb is also getting a "love letter" from me today. So, because of your abysmal performance for the last two weeks, you will be benched this weekend. Please take this as an opportunity to further rest, because if you score on my bench, you’re not even going to want to open the envelope of my next letter.

Sincere-NOT-ly,
BBM (formerly of team BBM-now renamed Team Sucks)

Dear Donovan McNabb:

You’re not even on my team, but I felt I would be remiss if I didn’t write you as well. What is up with you and your lousy passing??? Reggie can not catch the ball with his feet. He does NOT have go-go-gadget arms either. A thrown pass should be just that, a thrown pass, not a hurtling through the universe rocket. It’s back to basics for you this week McNabb. Get some practice throwing a catchable ball. Oh, and who the heck is Jason Avant??? What does a top WR have to do to get some more action from you? Take you to dinner? A movie? What? You tell me and I’ll pass it along to Reggie.

Yours in frustration,
BBM

Dear Ladainian Tomlinson (San Diego RB-5 lousy points):

Two years ago, you were on my team. You were awesome, right up until the fantasy football playoffs, where you decided to rest on the sidelines, killing my chances of winning. Thanks-not sure if I ever properly thanked you for that. Anyway, um, what’s up with the 18 carries for only 43 yards and NO scores, huh!?! You were my shoe-in, my one guarantee on a roster that otherwise sucks (like my new team name)! I am counting on you to get your running butt in gear next week. You are LT, for goodness sakes! Let’s see the LT that I know and love! I saw an ad that you’re featured in this week. It says, "Stoppable? Yes, I stop when I score." Prove it LT! PROVE IT! Do you know that I had to change my team logo from the Japanese characters that mean "Nintai" (Persevere), to this logo:

Help me take this team out of the crapper and restore some respect LT!

Yours in disgust,
BBM

Dear Maurice Jones-Drew (Jac RB-proud getter of a whopping 4 points):

Seriously. Can you please get your act together? You are KILLING me. KILLING ME!

Worst Regards,
BBM

Dear Deion Branch (Seattle WR-17 points ON MY BENCH!!!):

The week before, you did not catch a single pass. Not one. Nada. Now that you’re sitting on my bench, you give me 17 points. Do you realize that if I had played you, I would have won this week??? Instead I am sitting in the basement with Papa Bradstein. Good company and all, but I’d prefer to not be sitting on two losses. Do me a favor, will you? If you’re going to decide to show up again this week, can you please send me a memo or something?

Thanks NOT,
BBM

The good news is that I am sitting on two wins in one league, but it’s just plain embarrassing when you can’t manage a single win in your own league. As they say in fantasy football, there’s always next week. Feel free to add your "love letters" below, unless of course your players are awesome and you’ve made all the right decisions so far. In that case, keep your good news to yourself. No, seriously.