May 1, 2007

Flat Abs Guaranteed

I don’t know why I’ve wasted my time with Pilates or sit-ups, crunches or ab machines. I’ve found the perfect way to tone and tighten abs without doing any exercising at all. . .

Bronchitis.

I’m telling you, my stomach muscles have never been tighter than they are right now. This wicked cough I have is totally paying off. Sure, I have to deal with the hacking discomfort every time I cough; and yes, it certainly is unpleasant when those coughs become productive. But my abs I tell you, they are stellar right now. They are so stellar in fact, that I have decided to go out on a limb and order this. . .

. . . without trying it on first. (Yeah, I know. If the abs are that great then why am I not going out on a limb and getting a bikini? I’ll tell you why. Bronchitis may tighten and tone, but bronchitis wants nothing to do with helping on the stretch mark front.) See that little one inch span of stomach there? I can handle that, and if I’m having a bad day I’ll wrap my obi (karate belt) around my waist and say I’m wearing my summer gi.

I don’t know what it is about the Victoria Secret swimsuit catalog, but it brings out the gambler in me. I know that I can walk in any department store and try on 40 swim suits without finding one that I like. Yet, I am completely confident that even without appropriate sizing information, I am going to order this one and be happy. Maybe it’s the lack of dressing room lighting and the comfort of home; but tonight’s the night. I am ordering that swimsuit.

Plus, I figure once I hack up these lungs I’ll have a bunch more room in there and maybe things will flatten out even further. See, there’s a silver lining to even the darkest of clouds.

Bronchitis = flat abs. Who knew? Now if I could just figure out a way to get that nasty cough to work on my thighs. . . hmm. . .

And for all my karate readers, I’ll have something to say about karate again, just as soon as I can get my sick butt back to class. Since I’m sick and you’re all feeling appropriately bad for me, scroll down the previous post, vote for me, and email Barbara. Pretty please???