January 8, 2007

Searches III OR People are Strange

Stat counters are wonderful things. You can watch your visitor statistics rise (or plummet). You can see who is reading you and who is not. You can find out that you have one person in Iceland who must be obsessed with your blog, and you can also find out what search terms are landing people on your site. I’ve posted these results twice before, here and here. If you haven’t checked these out before, you really should. They’re usually pretty funny, and the following search terms do not disappoint. . . As before, I’ve provided some "theme" music for your listening pleasure. Just hit "play."

(If I had to "rate" the rest of this post as they do for the movies, I would rate it an R-Restricted. Proceed with caution if you have children who can read around you.)

"how do you spank yourself with a belt"- Heck if I know and heck if I know how those words landed on my site. It sounds like someone has been very very bad, and it also sounds like this someone may need a "friend."
"how to get a black belt fast using tie kwon do"- I get lots of searches for "how to get a black belt fast" or "where to order a black belt" or actually more like "wear to order a black belt" because people can not spell anymore. Here’s some info for you if these terms land you on my site. There is no such thing as "Tie Kwon Do." If there were such a thing, I imagine it would involve lots of kicking and tying people up. In that case, you might want to talk to the person who searched for "how to spank yourself with a belt." He/She might be able to help; but "black belt" and "fast" don’t happen legitimately, so good luck with that.
"black mama human sacrifice"- Human sacrifice? Man, there are some messed up people on the net! I don’t know what you’re searching for putting those terms in, but I’ll tell you who you need to call. . . your psychotherapist. What? Don’t have one? Trust me-you need one-GET ONE!
"blind date ‘can I call you’"- You might want to see this post, but I can probably save you some time and tell you that if you’re typing this into google instead of asking your date. . . the answer is probably, almost certainly, "No."
"she needs a belt to hold up her belly"- Hey now! I most certainly do not. Ask anyone who took class with me when I was eight months pregnant and still attending classes at the dojo regularly-there is NO belt that can hold up a belly. That’s just silly.
"orlando bloom green trash girlfriend cigarette butt environmental"- Huh?
"black stuff in bellybutton"- I never knew how many people had such seriously disgusting problems with their belly buttons. I am so relieved that I’m not one of them. Just like the times before, here’s some unsolicited advice: 1. Clean it. 2. Seek medical help if that doesn’t do the trick. You don’t want that like spreading or something.
"sexy female black belt karate"- I can’t even begin to tell you how happy and relieved I was when this landed someone on my site. Of course, whoever it was, was probably disappointed, but those search words are markedly better than any that use the word "mature."
"black women blow up dolls to have sex with"- Seriously messed up. How did that even end up on my site????? Yeech.

And the absolute piece de resistance. . .

"HouseHold items you can shove up your butt"- Oh, how I wish I were kidding. . .I mean really. For the person who typed this into google on one lonely and seriously demented night, I would like to tell you that there are NO household items that you should be shoving up your butt, not now, not ever, not if the police come to your house looking for something illegal, not if you have a serious itch. If you really need to go "there" then may I suggest a colonscopy because at least you’re sort of looking out for your health in a preventative sort of way, and you know, come to think of it, if you’re googling this, you could probably use a colonoscopy.