September 14, 2006

Rockstar Recap: Final Elimination

I can’t even begin to get my head around tonight’s finale.  I predicted it last night, but I was so hoping I would be wrong. 

The show started off with Brooke announcing the bottom two: Magni and Toby.  I was hoping they’d be the top two so I was a little disappointed.  You didn’t have to be a rocket scientist to know that Magni was going to be the first to go.  You didn’t need them Magni.  You’re too good for them. 

Toby knew his time was limited and after the three remaining contestants performed, it was pretty clear that Toby’s time was coming to a close.  Watching the faces of Supernova made it obvious.  When Lukas performed they were all like "yeah, crush it" and when Dilana and Toby performed they were just like (to steal a word from Toby) EVS or whatevah. 

Just like my worst nightmare, they sent Toby packing after they pretty much told him he was the best person.  Yeah, that made a whole lot of sense. 

With the two goth fairies left, it was obvious they were going to choose Lukas.  Although I was silently pulling for Dilana, I knew it wasn’t meant to be.  Lukas was chosen as the one.  And without further delay, and because it’s been a letter writing kind of week, I give you my letter to Supernova.

Dear Gilby, Jason, and Tommy (aka Supernova or soon to be "Superfailure"):

What were you thinking?  Apparently, your years of rocking hard and boozing it along the way have damaged your brain cells, particularly the ones related to auditory issues.  Do you not see the way Lukas seizes across the stage?  Are you not aware of the growling that is emitted from his mouth?  Do you not know that Toby sang that Supernova song 100 times better than Lukas will ever sing that song?  Are you not aware that sparkly blue eye shadow died along with Madonna’s lacy hair bows? 

Do you honestly believe that Lukas is best for your band?  A large majority of rocker fans are female.  FEMALE, as in WOMEN, you know the opposite sex that you like hanging around.  The majority of girl rock fans like guys like Toby: built, hot, sexy.  Girls do not tend to go for guys like Lukas: troubled, traumatized, wears more make-up than the average drag queen, short on stature and on talent. 

Toby Lukas_2

Do you not see the GLARING difference between the two?  Can you not hear it?  Are your ears that damaged from all the hard rock?  Are you having some vision issues, because I mean, come ON!  But then again, maybe you guys aren’t into girls anymore?  Not that there’s anything wrong with that. . .

Kiss   

But may I be the first to say, "Ewww," because I can not think of a grosser couple than that.  Except maybe Britney and Kevin.

Appearance and sexual orientation aside, did you not read the lyrics of the songs they wrote?  You see Storm’s lyrics, they rocked.  Toby’s lyrics made sense and had a catchiness about it.  Lukas’ lyrics?  There’s a difference between being "catchy" and being ridiculously repetitive.  Lukas is the latter, just in case you weren’t sure.

The only thing I’m happy about is that now Toby is free to go make his own music without you guys and your bouffant hairdo’s (Gilby) and your tattoo on the neck that looks like a hickey (Tommy) and your happy little catch phrase "Crush It" (Jason).  And in case you’re wondering. . .

YES, I’m just a TAD BIT BITTER about the whole thing, and the fact that I wasted a summer watching this show for such a disappointing and predictable outcome.  And just in case you weren’t sure, I will NOT be attending any of your shows or buying any of your music.  I guarantee you that the House Band that’s opening for you will be a bigger draw.  This is one show that’s going to make people think, "Huh, if I leave now I can still catch Letterman."

Sincerely,

One seriously annoyed and confused BLACK BELT MAMA 

P.S.  EVS (and in case you forget what that means. . . WHATEVAH and please do picture that being said to you with the attitude of a jaded teenager.)

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Posted by on September 14, 2006 in Rockstar | 5 Comments

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