Green Acres, my butt
There’s nothing like a Home Owner’s Association meeting to make you want to sell your house, and move to the middle of a field somewhere with at least 10 miles to the front, back and either side of you. We’ve got some issues people. We’ve got some issues.
My husband dreads the meetings that happen twice a year. He dreads them because he knows that I will be full of tirades for the next several days, possibly weeks. He knows I’ll be bringing up meetings from the past, reading into people’s comments and making myself and therefore him utterly miserable for days. It always happens. It’s inevitable.
Let me start by saying that we have a beautiful back yard. The previous owner hired someone to plant a perennial garden and it is gorgeous. It is set up so one thing blooms and as that plant goes dormant the next one stands up to take the stage. We have butterfly bushes, astilbee plants, lavendar, oregano, black-eyed susans, clematis and that just names a few of our gardens residents.
What we also have occassionally is trash and creeping weedy vines because our neighbor to the one side does not take care of her yard at all, as in: likes the look of foot high weeds, prefers dumping trash items onto her pathetic excuse for a patio, believes old newspapers in the backyard left in stacks two feet high make great fertilizer (For what? The weeds?), and acts completely clueless as to how any of this could bother anyone. It’s annoying.
So after his initial rant about the shape of her yard, our 80-something year old treasurer who has too much time on his hands and therefore has appointed himself Inspector General of all things yard, makes a remark about our garden being "overgrown." My husband glared and refused to nod in acknowledgement. I huffed, and worked my eyes into evil slits of terror and sat there stewing. The only comments we have ever heard about our garden is that it is beautiful. And it is.
Our garden is NOT overgrown. Sure, our burning bushes may be getting large, but we like them that way because they block the view of the mess that is next door. Our neighbor on the other side begs us not to trim back our butterfly bush because it cascades onto their yard so beautifully and provides at least three butterflies to watch at any given time. We have never heard a complaint.
So, I arrive home and go out to inspect my garden. I pulled a couple weeds and while out there another neighbor comes down to "talk". I asked her to please point out exactly what about my garden is so offensive and she makes lots of passive/aggressive statements about "not having time when you have two young kids," etc. These are the type of people who trim all their bushes into little balls. We are not those people. This is the view from my patio.
It’s beautiful, is it not? I should warn you here that the answer I’m looking for is, "Yes BBM, your garden is beautiful. No, no. It’s not overgrown at all." Something like an adapted "Mary Mary, Quite Contrary" as in:
Black Belt Mama, no need for drama
How does your garden grow?
With astilbee and oregano
And neighbors who mind their OWN (business, that is.)
So as I’m standing there, with a handful of weeds, minding my own (business that is), another one of my neighbor’s dogs comes CHARGING out of NOWHERE and jumps on me, then my husband (who is holding Lil C), then my neighbor, and then her husband.
I am NOT a dog person. I am especially not a dog person when the dog happens to be a full grown full breed German Shepard. I am really not a dog person when this German Shepard is one and the same German Shepard who knocked down Big I while sledding in the winter and jumped all over her as I watched and screamed with horror from the top floor of my house while holding Lil C, imagining that the dog was eating her face.
The dog wasn’t eating her face, THANK GOD. It was instead "playing" with her or so it’s owner said. It knocked her down and jumped all over her as she lay in the snow unable to get up, kicking, screaming, and crying as my husband ran towards her and eventually got the dog away from her. It was terrifying.
We have leash laws in these parts and I think that all dog owners should take them seriously. If you want to have a dog and let it run all over your yard that’s fine, but you damn well better have a fence or a tie-up. If you don’t, then you better be living in the place I described in the first paragraph. Close quarters do not make for happy neighbors when there are unleashed dogs. I should have reported her then. I didn’t because I try to be nice like that.
A few weeks ago when there were two dogs in my yard, I didn’t do anything then either. The girls were not outside at the time. The dogs did not jump up on my husband. They made a drive by, so to speak and left.
Tonight was different.
The dog’s owner only came to retrieve her dog when she heard my husband yelling, "DOWN," at the top of his lungs as he stood there shielding Lil C from the huge paws and hoping to block the dog from jumping on Big I and her friend who were hanging out behind him on the patio. I stood there shaking, absolutely livid, wanting to tell her off in the worst way. She called her dog and never offered a single word of apology.
It is ON.
As soon as the girls were in bed, I fired off a complaint to the township. She will get a letter informing her of the ordinance she knows she’s breaking and warning her that if reported again she will be subject to a fine and/or jail time. This is not a minor issue or irritation. If Big I had been jumped up on the way I was, she would have been on the ground. I don’t care what kind of dog it is or how well it’s trained. . . any dog can be a threat, especially to children, at any time. What if Lil C had been on the ground? The thought of it makes me absolutely sick.
I will have made an enemy I’m sure, but I have no problem with that. I’m not the one breaking the law. My husband told this neighbor about having the dog on a leash back when the sledding incident occurred. We gave them a chance when they didn’t deserve one. We’re done.
My Mom called and I told her about my issues. She told me I need to move. I don’t need to move. All I need is for people to mind their own business and take some responsibility for their property and their animals. Is that really too much to ask?
Edited to add: Because I am a take action kind of person and because I do have "nice" coarsing through my veins on occasion, I went out to my neighbor’s weedy overgrown patio and yard while she was gone and got busy. I pulled every single weed, threw out trash (including a piece of cardboard where a mouse was obviously taking up residence. When I did this I didn’t even go into a convulsive "Oh MY GOD, THERE’S A MOUSE IN THE VICINITY" freak out that I would normally do, complete with screaming. I just threw it out). I even set up her kid’s play house and picnic table that was strew about and uninhabitable.
She came home to find me cleaning up her yard, and helped me finish up. I told her I was doing it to get the yard Inspector General off both of our cases (notice that bonding innuendo there just in case she was ticked that I took over her yard. . . it worked). I then told her that if she comes up with a budget, we’ll help her with a plan and do some patio reworking/landscaping to make it a little nicer for everyone. She was grateful and agreed. She also told me that the reason she didn’t go out there and clean it up herself is because there was a rather large snake taking up residence. It is SO GOOD I did not know that when I went out there armed with trash bags and determination to clean it up.
I tried to put myself in her shoes: a busy single woman with a child to take care of. . . if I were in her shoes I probably wouldn’t be concerned with weeds either. My payment for all my hard work was a couple bug bites and dinner provided for me and family by my neighbor. The best reward of all though is not seeing the eye-sore that was her yard, and knowing that I am one hell of a weeder!
The latest Birth Story is up and it’s a good one! Lydia tells the story of her daughter’s birth and it involves trolls with saws and lots of screaming. You don’t want to miss it!
Got it!
I was elated after karate class last week because I had my waza (small series of moves) down. (I’m trying to explain myself a little better for non karate-ka’s. It was pointed out to me that the terms "waza" and "bunkai" can be a bit confusing for the gi-less.) It felt good to have one of the many things I need for brown belt testing committed to knowledge. I am happy to announce the second. . . Kyan No Sai. I know my weapons kata and I know it well. There are lots of little intricacies that I’m missing I’m sure; but for now, the pattern is there and that’s the first step.
During the intermediate class, we went through the sai kata several times, but that’s not what made it click. Last week in class, we used the sai in a mock fight against an attacker with a bo. We used the moves from the kata for this, and there is nothing like bunkai (application of the kata) to make you commit it to memory for good. If someone is going to be swinging a big stick at you and all you have are sai to protect yourself, you’re going to learn how to use them pretty quickly.
I have doubled my karate class load and I am enjoying it greatly. When I did this before I had Lil C, I found that I learned kata’s much faster. It only takes a week or two of doubling the time and you can already see a difference. Kata’s start to sink in so much faster. Even the way you do basics improves, or at least feels like it does.
Speaking of basics, Big I did her new waza last night for our instructor. He took so much time with her, helping her with the pattern during class. After class, he kept her and made her go through it again. And after my advanced class, he pulled her back out on the floor and made her go through it one more time. I’m going to hound her this week to make sure she has it down for good. They say that the younger you are, the faster knowledge sinks in; but I’m not so sure that applies to karate. Another first for Big I? She actually spoke to our instructor. Until this point she has only nodded or placed her cheek on her shoulder while wishing she could disappear when being addressed. This was a big step all on its own!
After the intermediate class, several other students who are currently 4th kyu’s as well came over and asked me how much of the material I knew for brown belt testing. Testing is September 16th. I told them that I knew my waza and the sai kata. They asked me to go through the sai kata with them a few times. Teaching the kata to someone else is really the best way to learn it once you know the basics of the pattern. I am beginning to feel like brown belt testing in September will actually be a reality for me. A few weeks ago I thought there was no way I would be ready. I considered asking about waiting until December to test, but I don’t think that will be necessary now.
I would hope that if I tested and wasn’t ready, that my instructor would tell me so. Sure, it would be disappointing, but it doesn’t feel good to be passed along when you haven’t earned it.
Speaking of moving up the ranks, a few weeks ago our instructor pointed out that lining up goes by rank, but when there are several students of the same rank, the older person is first. I respect others in the dojo for what they have done, and it’s nice to be respected back for the rank that I have earned. It’s also nice to know that at least somewhere there’s a benefit for being older than others. After all the teasing I get from my family about being a "Kramer" and taking karate class with kids, I should get some benefit right?
I have always had a respect for others in the dojo, especially my instructors. Last night in the advanced class, I was the lowest rank once again. There were two other black belts and our instructor. We went through the new open hand kata’s that I need to know for testing: Pinan Sandan and Nai Hanchi Sandan. After running through the kata’s a few times, we moved onto some basic sparring drills applying moves from the kata. And this is where my poor, sad, arms come into the story.
I was paired up with my instructor. I started by throwing two punches at him: first with the right, then the left. He used a move from the Pinan kata where he blocked my arm, grabbed with the other hand and back fisted my face. My instructor is very good at sparring and these sparring drills. Almost every time I came at him with my punches, he changed it up and did something different. I did a lot of flinching.
Then we switched places and I held my own. I got tangled up in his arm a couple times but I got the hang of it by the end of the drill. When my instructor went on and started explaining the next drill, he asked me to throw a right punch as he blocked, followed by a left punch that he blocked and then another back fist. He was trying to show different ways that you could apply these moves and I thought he wanted me to throw two punches rapid fire. So I did. The first one he blocked successfully; the second landed right above his eye. The horror! I felt awful about it and began apologizing profusely. He laughed and told me he’d rather have me making a little bit of contact then finishing my punch and being three inches away. I told him he could punch me back if he wanted to get even. Instead he just blocked my punches as usual, making me flinch along the way, and occasionally inflicting that tingly pain in my arms from his blocks. Ouch.
After my turn was over, he said I did well. He said he was throwing the punches at full speed and I was blocking correctly. With these drills the object is to let your attacker’s punch get as close to making contact as possible. You want them committed to the punch, and that’s when you take advantage of their balance and their commitment and throw them for a loop or two (sometimes literally).
Although this advanced class is challenging, I am learning things in that class that I wouldn’t otherwise learn until I was a much higher rank. Anyone can learn a kata, but learning how to apply that kata is where your true understanding and self-defense techniques come in. I feel like I’m getting a jump start on learning the more advanced skills and that can only serve to make me a better martial artist.
Oh NO they DIDN’T!
I was right about the encore, at least half of it. Magni AND Lukas were both awarded encores this week. The bottom three though, absolutely blows my mind! Ryan? Josh? What the heck is going on out there voters? JOSH? The same Josh I practically proclaimed my love for last night on this very blog?
I am thrilled that I won’t be subjected to anymore of Jill’s performances, but I am going to miss that bluesy, head-bopping Josh. I can’t believe they let two go. I mean if the two had been Jill and Zayra. . . great. But Josh??? In all reality, he wasn’t going to be the winner, but they could have at least kept him around for another week or so. Supernova. . . you CRUSHED me tonight boys, and not in a good way Mr. Jason Newsted.
So can anyone tell me how this is possible? Is there a website out there similar to the "vote for the worst" of American Idol? Are all the Star Trek and Star Wars fans coming out in droves, waving their light sabres and supporting their fellow space cadet? I doubt I’ll ever know. It will certainly be interesting to see what she wears next week though. A "Cat in the Hat" get-up perhaps?
The standings according to Black Belt Mama are as follows:
Top Three:
Dilana– She’s the clear front runner right now. She exudes confidence and showed that she can front that band. I look for her to only get better (even though I’m not a huge fan of her voice.)
Magni– His performance this week proved that he has what it takes to front Supernova. Plus, he’s from Iceland. That’s intriging all on its own. He is, however, obviously a family man and how a rockstar life with Supernova will mesh with his family remains to be seen.
Storm- In a comment meant to provide a proverbial bitch slap to Jill, Storm proclaimed that she wouldn’t "hump" Gilby, but would instead "break his back." I’m not exactly able to visualize what the heck she’s talking about, but even though it didn’t make sense it was enough to send Jill to the hatchet man. Putting that hip-grinding performance of Jill’s from weeks gone by into the front and center made her an easy target; and Storm proved that she is not to be messed with.
Middle of the Roaders, or if you watch Project Runway. . . the contestants whose scores qualify them for the next round. They’re "in" (for now):
Toby– He peaked too early I’m thinking. He got the encore in the beginning of the season and showed everyone what he can do. Now, we’re all waiting for him to do that again. Bring it Toby and maybe lay off the booze. Seriously dude. 20 shots is a bit much, doncha think?
Lukas- He got one of the encores tonight, but I just can’t see him fronting Supernova. He’s freaky and not in the Tommy Lee kind of way. Not even in the Gilby-Clark-running-my-hands-through-my -hair-constantly kind of way (Seriously, is Gilby trying to get a Pantene commercial or what?). He’s freaky in a Robert Smith, The Cure kind of way, not a Supernova kind of way. I just don’t see this as a fit.
Most Likely to Go Home Next:
Patrice- I don’t see it anymore. I really liked her in the beginning. But lately, it’s just the same old same old and it’s. . . well, old.
Ryan- I think Supernova has it right with him. He is changing it up a bit too much. If you’re interviewing for an office job, you don’t show up wearing a black suit for the first interview and red hot pants for the second. He needs to figure out who he is and show it. I’d suggest leaving the batman eyes alone.
Zayra- Oh Zayra, how your choice in fashion offends the common sensibilities. I’d like to see the Project Runway contestants design something for her. That would probably never work though, because they all despise sewing fabrics like spandex. If she wasn’t so entertaining in a very bad sort of way, she would be gone. People always like to see the train wrecks.
It’s now 1a.m. My arms are KILLING me from karate tonight, but that story will have to wait until tomorrow. . .
Don’t wait until tomorrow to go visit my renter, because it will be too late. She’ll be gone. Go and leave her a nice comment before we bid her adieu. She’s a lonely mama with her son at camp and could use some virtual hugs. . . and I could use some ice for my sore sore arms. . .
Rockstar Recap: Week 6
Last year it was painfully obvious that INXS was never going to choose a woman to front their band. Sure, Susie was a nice option, but she fell behind JT and Marty in the eyes of INXS. When I started watching this season of Rockstar, I was pretty convinced that Supernova would follow suit and choose a guy to front their band. Now, I’m not so sure.
As Jason Newsted would say. . .
Dilana "crushed it". She is obviously older than the other contestants. She seems to almost take on a mothering type role around the younger rockers. She did with Dana. In the entertainment industry, where youth reigns supreme, she is certainly kicking that notion to the curb. She performed with Gilby tonight and was amazing. "I have no doubt that a woman can front our band now," is what Gilby said to her post-performance. She is proving herself worthy of the top three if not the top contestant.
Jill sings like a rocker, but her dance moves make me think more of Britney Spears. She performed "Mother, Mother" and during the hard parts she skipped and bopped her way around the stage like a Black Eyed Pea. I am sensing she and her suitcases will be on the move soon.
Ryan sang "Paint it Black" and showed up, well, painted black. Apparently he and Zayra have been hanging out a bit; because the super hero vibe got to him. He looked more like an evil Batman tonight than the usual Ryan (although his hair stayed perfectly in tact despite the transformation). Fortunately, he’s not taking his singing cues from Zayra as well.
Storm attempted Queen’s "We are the Champions" and did it well. She ended her performance by telling Tommy Lee "I’ll spank the crap out of you," and promised to return to her theatrical performances and stage thrashing. Should be interesting. . . she always is.
Zayra is apparently getting her wardrobe from deranged circus ring leaders.
She looked as if she’d been dipped in gold. Add a top hat and some platform shoes that Kiss and Prince must have collaborated on and you’ve got an outfit just interesting enough to almost distract from the horrific singing.
Josh. . .
. . . is seriously growing on me. As OutKast says, "I like the way you move," and I do. I’ve always had it bad for any guy who can bust a groove (including the acne covered, rather large-featured guy who I wanted to go to prom with my senior year), and just the way he moves his head when he strums and sings sort of has me swooning a bit. O.k. maybe more than a bit. The thing I really like about him is that he doesn’t just belt his lyrics. He has soul and he infuses it into every song he sings and that makes it sexy. I also like the fact that he didn’t get all freaked out when Tommy Lee surprised him by coming up to play drums with him only seconds before the song started. He’s proven he can hang with the best of them. Me likey Josh.
Magni will get the encore. They’re always suckers for acoustic performances. Tonight, Magni stopped being forgettable and became completely unforgettable. His performance of Live’s "When the Dolphin’s Cry" was beautiful and amazing. Encore for sure.
Patrice is consistently good. But when all the other rockers are becoming great, consistently good isn’t good enough. I’ve commented about her hair before, and I have to say that she is looking more and more like a 12-year old with her hair choices. It doesn’t fit and distracts from her voice, which is probably a good thing considering her performances are getting kind of boring. The martial artist in me wants to like her; I really do, but others are clearly outshining her.
Lukas had his best performance of the series tonight. He sang "Creep" and when I say "sang" I mean he actually sang. He didn’t screech for a change and that was refreshing and impressive. The only issue I have with Lukas is that his dance moves look like he’s had an encounter with a blow dryer while bathing. Can you imagine a collaboration between him and Jill?
Toby sang "Burning down the House" and brought down the house. . . right up until he grabbed a megaphone and tried that tired old trick. I’m with Dave Navarro on this one. He was plugging along just fine and then he had to pull that out. He doesn’t need it and it made his performance a little tacky.
He won’t have to worry though because the bottom three are going to be: Jill, Zayra, and Patrice. Jill is going home. Zayra is just too damn entertaining to see her leave now. I mean seriously, you want to tune in just to watch the fashion disaster that she has become.
Encore goes to Magni.
And speaking of music and songs, the girls and I were having some fun dancing to some tunes today when Nelly’s song "Grillz" came on. Big I refused to dance to it despite the fact that Lil C and I were jamming. When I asked her why she wasn’t dancing she said, "That’s a STUPID song Mommy!"
Tonight she saw Dilana perform and she said, "I don’t like when she sings that slow stuff like last time" (referring to when she sang Cyndi Lauper’s "Time after Time"). "I want to see them ROCK!" she said as she slammed her hand on the floor. I have a feeling she’ll be listening to classic rock when she’s older (and I’ll be getting my rap fill during solitary drives in the car.)
For something else that rocks, go visit my renter. She truly rocks. There’s a new birth story up too!
“Because they still haven’t found what they’re looking for. . . “
It was right around the 4th of July when I published the first edition of the searches that have landed readers on my site. It’s now the 4th of August and let me tell you, there have been some good ones. I picked the best of the last month. Before digging into the list, you may want to scroll down and hit play. I’ve kindly provided theme music.
- kicked leg tae kwon do ice or heat– The answer is. . . .IBUPROFEN and then ICE, ICE, ICE. When I hurt my back a few years ago, my chiropractor recommended ice for the first week. When I had a visit from the Rice Crispie boys a few weeks ago, it was all about the ice as well.
- what happens when knee pops-Several moments after the kicked leg search, this search landed on my site. I can help the person who did this search. The answer to what happens is simple and can be summed up in one word. . . PAIN. See the first search for advice on how to deal with the pain.
- learn karate free online videos-Yeah, good luck with that. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. You can NOT learn karate online. If you already have a basic understanding of it, you can look to the internet for videos that can supplement your learning. However, nothing replaces the importance of training in a dojo, with real live people. I highly doubt you’ll ever be fighting air.
- is puke biodegradable-Yes, it is. Wish I would have thought of that at the beach.
- my boyfriend does not want to propose-I constantly get searches from queries like this. Nothing you read on the internet is going to make your boyfriend propose. If you want to get married and he doesn’t and he’s not indicating that he has any plans to spend the future with you, get out now before you waste any more of your time.
- why men can’t look woman in the eye– There are three possible reasons. 1. He’s looking at your chest. 2. He’s lying. 3. He’s too shy to. If the answer is 1 or 2, feel free to kick him in the shin.
- i am pregnant and I think i have food poisoning-Oh My! I feel so sorry for you. Pregnancy can be puke inducing all on its own, but add food poisoning and you’ve got a nightmare in the making. Seek medical help immediately. Please. Trust me. And if you don’t believe this little snippet of advice, read this.
- black mama AND beach ball sized belly– How did this search land on my site, and why in the hell is someone looking for these criteria? Oh yeah, I forgot. . . because beach-ball sized bellies are sooooo hot. It’s all the rage right now. You only need take a stroll around the mall to see a beach-ball like belly sticking out the top of some seriously too low jeans, on someone who should probably still be playing with Barbie dolls or Little People. Sad and wrong, just like that search.
- little black biting fly 3 body segments swimming pool-Run for cover! No really, those bites are horrendous. Make it an indoor movie day.
- my registration expired and my sticker is fake- O.k. that’s not good. My sticker wasn’t fake and I still had to pay an arm and a leg.
- pictures of elderly doing martial arts– The fact that this search landed on my site is enough to make me want to curl up in the fetal position and sleep for a long long time. . .
While I’m sleeping off my sadness, go see my renter who is about to experience the first time in a long time that she’s been without parental responsibilities.
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