July 21, 2006

What NOT to do

Remember that whole, "teach him what’s up" from yesterday? The thing about how I was going to practice my self-defense techniques on my husband? Yeah. It didn’t go so well.

After getting the girls to bed, I asked my husband if he was up for a little self-defense action. Usually he complies; sometimes he’s not in the mood to be twisted all over the place. So, we started out with a basic rear double wrist-grab. He stood behind me and grabbed both of my wrists. I easily got out of it with a work against the thumbs, "remove a gun from the holster" type of move with a step back into him. His hands remained at my sides, but my hands were now loose.

As demonstrated in class, I grabbed his right hand with my right hand. I lifted his right hand and arm up with that hand and slipped underneath my arm and his. His arm was now twisted behind his back and he was doubled over due to a joint lock at the wrist. Picture twisting someone’s arm behind their back but using their wrist joint as your controlling mechanism.

I wasn’t putting the joint lock on as strong as I could, but apparently it was uncomfortable. So, in an attempt to lessen the pain and make it more like a real life situation, he began to spin away from me. I followed along. Picture my husband, bent at the waist with his arm behind his back. I have control of his arm with my right hand and I start to follow his spin, so to speak. I was trying to figure out my next move. I wanted to put him on the floor. This is where things went terribly wrong. . .

I reach around his left shoulder with my left arm in an attempt to hold him still and throw him off balance so that I could use my right foot behind his right knee, and take him down. I attempt to place my right foot behind his knee, but the spinning is still happening. So my foot and consequently my knee slips in between his knees, he continues to spin and what occurred next can only be described as the sound effects for Rice Crispies.

Snap.

Crackle.

Pop.

Or, more accurately, Pop, Pop. Pop, and the only one who was "taken down" was me. The sound effects occurred when my knee, which is supposed to bend forward, bent completely out to the right. Did I mention my leg was straight when it got jammed between my husbands spinning legs? Yeah. Pain.

I writhed on the floor in pain, unable to move my leg after landing on the floor like a ton of bricks. I fell directly onto my side and hip. As my husband ran to the kitchen to get me ice, I yelled after him, "Well, that didn’t work." He laughed; I continued to writh in pain.

He eventually helped me to stand up and get to bed. Today, my leg is sore. I pulled the muscle that runs up the back of your thigh big time. When I move my leg, my hip makes a cracking sound, and my knee feels like squish, squish. My ankle was sore initially but is better today.

This is what happens when your partner is only 3.5 feet tall in class. You come home and try to practice on someone more realistic to what an attacker would be, but without someone to tell you what you’re doing wrong. . . you are apparently risking bodily harm. Ouch.

Next time I want to practice self defense on my husband, I’m going to wear one of these: