July 19, 2006

Rockstar Recap with help from Simon

Simon of American Idol had some free time this week. He gave me some advice so that I could bring you this installment of the Rockstar Supernova run down.

Patrice: Although your singing voice is lovely, the skunk thing you’ve got going on with your hair is rather puzzling. No really, I like you Patrice but I think you need to get a new stylist.

Storm: I seriously don’t know what’s worse: Tommy Lee’s sexual comments directed at just about EVERY single female contestant on the show or the fact that the women (most of them anyway) are acting less like they want to front the band and more like groupie I-want-to-sleep-with-you-in-your-trailer trash. Seriously Storm, do you want to front them or . . . well, you know where I’m going with this. She actually told Tommy she had six letters for him and and said "google." All I’ll say about that is this: white linen, shackles, no bra. Storm, the name of the show is "Rockstar Supernova" not "Pornstar Supernova". Then again, you already have the name for it.

But seriously, if they don’t respect you, they’re not going to pick you to front the band. Oh, and don’t think you’re fooling anyone. "Storm Large" isn’t your real name is it? You’re really Jane Krakowski. Do you need any more proof than this?

Lukas: It is not, I repeat NOT, a Robert Smith (The Cure’s lead singer) look-alike contest. I might like your voice if I wasn’t so distracted by your appearance. Are you and Patrice using the same colorist?

Jill: I’m not buying the spit-fire Jill image that she’s trying to portray. Patrice would take her down in a second (Patrice is a martial artist after all). Secondly, I still can’t get that horrific Courtney Love imitation out of my head. I’m betting the only reason the guys are keeping her around is because they’d rather look at her than the guys they’ve left go so far.

Ryan: Vanilla. He seems like a nice guy; he sings well enough. Perfectly forgettable.

Phil: I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that the only reason Jason decided to get up and play the guitar with him is because he only had to watch the back of him. . . much better than being exposed to the unusual facial expressions.

Dana: She’s just bad, like really bad karaoke. And proof that Tommy Lee needs glasses? "You’re so hot," is what he said to her. When she sings. . . so not hot.

Toby: It’s not your fault, sweetheart. Song choice, song choice. That’s all the guys talked about last week. So this week, when they pick the songs that are distributed to the rockers. . . they pick "Runaway Train." Come on already!

Magni: You were good. Forgettable though, if you ask me.

Zayra: "Everybody hurts. . . sometimes. Everybody cries. Everybody hurts. . ." Yeah, especially my ears. The guys liked this but it left me scratching my head and wondering why they would like someone that my husband and I are calling the "Bad Bjork". Maybe Tommy Lee was suffering from a low blood sugar because he actually licked his lips and said, "very yummy."

Jenny: Is that you Natasha? Natasha Beddingfield, shame on you! You already have a successful career. Why do you want to front Supernova? Why?

After she performed her song, the guys stated that they are looking for "Oz Fest," not "Lilith Fair". You picked the songs boys! YOU DID! If you want them to "crush it" as you keep saying, then give them some songs they can crush already. I have to hand it to her though. When Tommy started with the comments, she cut him off. (She was probably thinking she had better cut him off before he started talking about her "ho-hum." His word, not mine!).

Spawn of Satan. . . I mean, Dilana: There’s something about Dilana that just scares me. Maybe it’s the whole Elvira meets Bride of Frankenstein meets Hot Topic hoodie thing she’s got going on; maybe it’s something else entirely. Do you see what I’m talking about here????

(Dilana, please don’t hurt me.) I have to respect her though, because she is the one woman who when faced with sexual comments from the crew, simply turns her gaze to the next guy instead of standing on the stage fluttering her eyelashes and shaking her hips in a shameless way. She’s selling her marlboro-infused voice, not her sexuality; and you have to respect that even if she does give you nightmares.

And I’m not just saying that because she scares me. . .

Really.

I’m going to take a guess that Dana gets sent packing. . .