June 5, 2006

This post brought to you courtesy of the Outer Banks Emergency Room

I have a new theory on the little girl who starred in the movie "The Exorcist." Little Reagan was not possessed by the devil. . . she ate some bad scallops.

Last night we ate dinner at a restaurant we’ve been eating at every time we come here on vacation. I had a seafood combo dinner consisting of broiled scallops and a crab cake. About 20 minutes after finishing my dinner, my stomach blew up like I was 5 months pregnant. The pressure, the bloating, the nausea was terrible. When we returned to the beach house I went to bed, knowing that I was going to be having some problems as the evening wore on. I had no idea.

I believe it was around 11 p.m. when the first unbearable abdominal pains sent me running doubled over to the bathroom. People, it wasn’t pretty. Still, I felt a little better and tried to go back to sleep. I was woken up about 45 minutes later by worse cramps and extreme nausea. This time, my body was nice enough to give me one end at a time to deal with; the next time I wasn’t so lucky.

The third time I was barely able to make the switch in time. The fourth time. . . it was either barf in the jacuzzi tub, on the floor, or throw everything out of the trash can and use that. I chose the latter. This time, my digestive tract rebelled with such force against the offending foods of earlier that evening, that I believe I may have levitated off the toilet. See where I’m going with this whole exorcist thing?

After the fourth episode, I could not stand up for fear that I was going to pass out and hit my head on the ceramic tile. I began calling for my husband who was doing a stand up job with Lil C, who did not want to sleep for more than an hour at a stretch. I contemplated asking him to just put me out of my misery and snap my neck or something. Instead, I asked for my Mom, who was sleeping upstairs in the bedroom, unaware that her first born was being possessed by some bad seafood.

My Mom showed up in the bathroom, then left to get my dad. I took a few minutes to lie down on the cold ceramic tile before finding my flip-flops and purse. My parents drove me to the Emergency Room at around 2:30 a.m. They showed me to a room in the ER and I covered up with a blanket and tried to sleep. I was alternating between hot and cold at the beach house; but the ER was freezing.

And then it appeared I was hallucinating, because a Dr. McPhearson came into my room and leaned in close beside me and asked me how I was feeling. I’ve got two words for you: Mc Dreamy. Yes, I said it. I’m a Gray’s Anatomy fan and I had my own McDreamy last night. If there was one good thing about showing up in the ER with food poisoning and probably bits of puke in my hair, it was him.

He checked me out, verified my suspicions of a bad case of food poisoning, and ordered IV fluids and some anti-nausea drug called Zofran, which was amazing. He said it was a good thing I came to the hospital because I was extremely dehydrated and my heart rate was not good because of it. I told him that if I wasn’t married and didn’t have puke breathe (despite brushing my teeth 4000 times), I would totally kiss him.

After some rest and a bag of IV fluids I was discharged. The discharging nurse told me to come back to the gift shop during the day so I could buy one of their t-shirts that says, "I spent my Outer Banks vacation in the ER." I got home around 4 a.m. feeling a little better and went to bed. Today, I have spent the day resting and trying to ward off a killer headache and body aches. I feel like I did about 8 million crunches. Who needs pilates when you can have food poisoning? Nothing quite tones the body like violent heaving.

My husband and daughters have had a real bonding day, because I have been too weak to hold Lil C for any length of time. I am hoping I feel better tomorrow so I can enjoy the rest of this vacation and stop feeling like a train ran over me.

Tune in later this week for the post titled: 101 reasons I will NEVER eat scallops again. I’ll give you a hint. All 101 reasons have to do with varying degrees of severe bodily functions. I seriously don’t wish food poisoning on anyone. O.k., maybe Osama Bin Laden, but that’s it.