April 7, 2006

Shred THIS

You know how they have those MasterCard "priceless" commercials? Here is mine:

Haircut for daughter so she can look groomed for her Easter pictures . . . $13.00

White sandals to go with Easter outfit. . . $49.00 (Shut-up, I know. Her feet have "champagne taste" and nothing fits her right except for expensive shoes.)

Picture session with both a 5-year old and a 6-month old smiling at the same time while looking at the same camera, which requires extensive acrobatics by both parents and a Mom-Mom. . . $122.00

Coming home to have a cold beer. . . priceless.

Before you call Child Services. . . she only grabbed the bottle. She did not imbibe.

If you have ever been to The Picture People, you know what I’m talking about. I have a love/hate relationship with them. I LOVE that I can see the pictures and get them in an hour. I love that they have a plain white background without all the cheesy fake looking window like props like some places.

But, there are some things that absolutely drive me insane. First of all, what is up with the hard slippery floors? Each studio I have been to has hard pergo or something like it floors. This does not make for a friendly environment for babies who are not very steady. Why can’t they put a couple squares of that foam padding down or something? I realize it’s easier to clean up at the end of the night with hard floors, but don’t they realize that their clients’ kids have fragile noggins? Would it kill them to have a couple foam squares in the joint?

My husband and I are forever traumatized by what happened to Big I when she was a baby. We were getting her Christmas pictures taken and she was about 9 months old. They brought out this adorable little upholstered chair and scooted a Christmas tree up beside it. What a great setting for a picture right? Yeah, except for the fact that Big I, while sitting in the chair, got so excited about the feather duster coming at her that she bounced and threw her body forward so quickly and so awkwardly that she fell smack onto her face on the hard floor. The image of it still makes me physically sick. I practically knocked over the camera to get to her. (My husband was kneeling right near her but couldn’t grab her in time to break her fall.) She didn’t even cry right away which was terrifying, and then. . . the crying. Oh MY GOD, the crying. It erupted along with a red face and I immediately told them we were done as I stomped into the mall with my traumatized child. I took her to the car and nursed her while she sobbed that terrible sob that everyone has done at least once in their life, but usually only after being dumped by some stupid junior high boyfriend. My husband and I took turns, once she had calmed down, pushing on her delicate little facial bones and making her say things to make sure she was o.k. When all was said and done, she was smiling and perfectly fine other than a small bruise on her cheek. But, it was terrifying. The picture of the event was snapped on the upward bounce before the downward descent to meet the hard floor. It’s a great picture, but whenever my husband and I see it, it brings on a bit of nausea. Those damn hard floors!

So tonight when they wanted to sit Lil C on the hard floor by herself. . . NO, so not happening. I think our photographer was a bit taken aback by the sheer gusto of the NO that met her suggestion simultaneously by both my husband and me. So, instead they sat her in a beanbag chair that she quickly became adept at catapulting herself out of and into our waiting arms because my husband and I. . . We’re not going through that ever again. Why can’t they have more baby friendly props and settings? It really REALLY irritates me.

Secondly, anyone who has ever been to the Picture People knows it is not cheap. My husband always rolls his eyes and becomes sort of twitchy on Picture People days because he knows that the budget for the month is about to be completely blown to hell. And, he’s usually right. Why? Because, you tell me what mother on the face of this earth can look at a picture of her child and say, "No, I don’t want that one. You take it and put it into the shredder and then the Dumpster and then the land fill." It’s always physically painful for me to choose which pictures I want because even a bad picture usually has something cute or funny about it. Why can’t they do something like my wedding photographer did? Once you spend x amount on pictures, the proofs that they print out are yours to keep? Would that be so hard? Would it be so awful? Wouldn’t it endear customers to them more and help them make more money? They’d spend less on shredders; that’s for sure!

Once I took my daughter to The Picture People at a different mall and I had this wonderful check out girl who printed all the pictures I wanted, and then (when no one was looking) slipped all the other ones I didn’t want into the folder with a brief glance at me as if to say, "Don’t question it. Just go with it. It’s all cool, lady." I loved that woman. I seriously wanted to hug her but I knew that would definitely give her away. I nodded a cool nod at her and then went out to the mall seating to admire my gift. It was so nice that I went back to that mall that is an hour away from my house again, but she wasn’t there. They probably found out about her and sent her through the shredder too, like all the adorable pictures that meet the same fate each day and night.

I wrote The Picture People’s corporate office and told them about my issues after Big I had her close encounter with their floor; but I never got a response back. I’m sure that my letter probably had an encounter with the shredder as well.