May 21, 2006

I fought the law. . .

We are going on vacation very soon, and my husband mentioned the other day that our one car needs to be inspected during the month of May. He then shrugged it off and said, "Well, it can wait until we get back (in June). It’s not like we’re driving that car on vacation." My eyes popped wide open and I yelled, "NO. That car must be inspected before we leave." The memory of what happened a few years ago is still very fresh in my memory.

Fade to four years ago. . .

We bought our car back when Big I was a baby. We bought it new and had it for a few months at the time of the incident. We had two months left before our registration had to be renewed. We were under the wrong assumption that the registration and inspection due dates were one and the same. I was on the way to the store with Big I, heading east on a windy back road. I was going the speed limit. A police car passed me heading west on the road. Several minutes later, the police car is behind me, lights flashing. Because a van had just pulled out in front of me and was speeding by a playground going at least 40 in a 25 mph zone, I promptly pulled off the road to allow him to go around me and go get the guy. To my shock and horror, he pulled up behind me.

The officer walked up to my car window and asked for my registration and license. I was fumbling around trying to find everything to hand to him, wishing I could just work up some tears. I had heard that tears work wonders. Unfortunately for me, tears don’t come on demand.

"Do you know why I pulled you over?" he asked.

"No. I know it wasn’t because I was speeding though, because I wasn’t."

"No, you weren’t," he responded. "Your inspection sticker is expired."

"My what?" I looked at him baffled.

He tapped the window and repeated himself. I remember saying something about how I didn’t know and that it wasn’t yet time for our inspection because I was falsely thinking that both the registration and inspection were due at the same time. I may have said, "My husband takes care of these things." He wasn’t impressed.

He walked back to his car with my license and called it in. I sat there shaking. I had never once been pulled over in my life. Not when I was a stupid teenager driving way too fast so I would make it home by curfew (Don’t fret now Mom. I’m grown and I’m alive and well). I wasn’t even cited in the one car accident I was in where I accidentally rear-ended a car when it slammed on its brakes to avoid hitting a cop who was in the middle of the street, at night, painting lines on the road. Idiot. So, I wasn’t familiar with how this drill went down. I was getting more upset by the second.

The officer walked back to me, handed me back my license and registration and then handed me a ticket for $90.

"$90??? You can’t just give me a warning? I have never been pulled over in my life. I am driving a BRAND NEW CAR. I’ll go get the car inspected TODAY. It’s not like I was putting anyone in danger or anything."

"I can’t do that," he said smugly. He walked back to his car. I wasn’t shaking anymore because I was upset. Now I was fuming mad. I’m not the type to cry; I get ticked off instead. Unfortunately, that’s not good for the whole "getting a warning" thing.

I drove home, and then went straight to a Jiffy Lube to have the car inspected immediately. I ranted to my parents, husband and anyone else who would listen about it. Sure, I was in the wrong; but did he have to be such a jerk? I was driving a brand new car. . . a stay at home Mom with a baby in the backseat. I mean, weren’t there some criminals more worthy of his time? I decided to fight the ticket. I figured that my pre-law major for the first year of college would get me through it. I spent the weeks before the trial getting ready.

When my trial date came, I had a babysitter and showed up for court. For some reason, they had to reschedule me for the following week. I couldn’t get a babysitter this time, so Big I had to come with me. She was only a little over a year old at the time. I was already ticked off that my I had to bring my child along because they were too stupid to be prepared on the day of my court date.

So, I showed up for court armed with my Jiffy Lube inspection receipt and my clean driving record thinking that I would have absolutely no problem getting rid of this $90 charge. I had to wait a good hour to get called in and by then, Big I had fallen asleep on my shoulder. The court clerk finally called my name.

The Judge began the proceedings and my friendly non-warning-friendly cop was there. He took the stand first. Armed with his police report he stated that I had been driving east on the road and that he had pulled me over, blah, blah, blah. He finished his testimony and started to get down from the stand. The Judge took a cursory glance at me and asked if I’d like to cross examine the witness. I think he was a little shocked when I said yes. So was the officer as he sat back down.

Me: "Officer, can you tell me which direction I was driving in when you saw my expired inspection ticket?"

Officer: consults notes, says smugly "East."

Me: "In which direction were you traveling?"

Officer: rolls eyes "West."

Me: "Was I going the speed limit when you saw me?"

Officer: "I think so. Yes."

Me: "Well to clarify, yes, I was. After you saw my expired sticker, how much farther did you have to drive in order to turn around to head back east in my direction?"

Officer: getting flustered "I’m not sure."

Me: "Well, judging from where I was when I saw you, you had to at least travel a distance of about three blocks, before pulling off and turning back around, pulling out and heading east after me. Would you say that’s a fair estimate?"

Officer: "Yes."

Me: "So, in order for you to catch up to me, you would have had to go above the speed limit. You would have had to speed. Is that correct?"

Officer: stumbles around his words, "Well, um… "

Me: "Yes or no, officer. It’s a simple question. In order to catch up with me, would you have had to speed?"

Officer: ears flaming red "Well, yes."

At this point, the judge clears his throat because he is trying not to laugh. The cop is looking at me with complete and utter disbelief. He so did not see this coming.

Me: "When you pulled me over, were you aware of the van that had pulled out in front of me? The van that was speeding by a playground?"

Officer: "No."

Me: "Well, for the record, there was a van that was speeding in front of me. In fact, I pulled off the road so quickly because I thought you were going to go after the van. Officer, my question for you is this: In your professional opinion, who is more likely to cause harm to society, a van speeding by a playground or a stay-at-home-mom driving the speed limit in a brand new car who forgot to get her car inspected?"

Officer: extremely flustered "Well, it depends. . . "

Me: "Officer, let’s be honest here. Who truly is likely to cause more harm: someone speeding by a playground or someone driving a new car whose inspection sticker is expired by a week? Who can potentially cause more harm? It’s a simple question that requires a simple answer."

Officer: grumbles "The person speeding."

Me: "Really, Officer? So, in other words, you and the van in front of me were more likely to cause harm than I was on that day?"

Officer: "Well, it depends. If you’re driving an unsafe car. . . "

Me: "But the car was brand new, was it not?"

Officer: "It was." hangs head

Me: "So, it’s not like I was driving a lemon or anything right? It’s not like my car was likely to lose a wheel or fall apart and cause harm?"

Officer: Face now matches ears in their fiery redness. Sighs tiredly.

Me: "I have one last question for you officer. What type of ticket brings more revenue into your township: an expired inspection ticket or a speeding ticket?"

Officer: stutters, sputters, grasps at straws, "That doesn’t matter. . . "

Me: "But it does. Answer the question please. What ticket brings in more revenue?"

Officer: grumbles quietly "Inspection ticket."

Me: "So, in other words, bringing revenue in to the township is more important than catching people who might do harm to people?"

Officer: defeated, sighs.

Me: "I have no further questions."

I then presented my evidence: my Jiffy Lube receipt and asked the judge for a warning. I testified to my extremely clean driving record. I was holding my baby in my arms, sleeping on my shoulder during this whole ordeal. I mean, For God’s sake, have a heart already. I need $90 worth of diapers, not stupid tickets.

The officer called me to the stand and only asked me one question. He asked me whether or not my inspection sticker was indeed expired. Well, duh.

The judge thought an entire 10 seconds before he handed down the verdict of Guilty. Apparently, beating up the officer verbally had been the only reprieve I was going to get.

My jaw dropped and I stood up and started yelling. I told the officer and the judge that I didn’t even know why I bothered to come fight it. I told them they were pathetic for not giving someone with a perfectly clean driving record a warning. I then left the court room, and told the entire waiting room to not bother wasting their time and to go the hell home instead. I told them they’d have better luck telling their argument to a wall. I wrote my check for $90 and stormed out of there.

Needless to say, the car will be inspected in May.