January 10, 2007

I am BBM; Hear me ROAR!

You know that Justin Timberlake song, "I’m bringing sexy back, Yeaah. . . "? Well, that’s how I feel tonight except take out the word "sexy" and insert "confidence." O.k., I know, that doesn’t really sound like a hit song or anything. Three syllable words don’t really work with those lyrics, but it works for me.

I’ve been doing some thinking lately and I’ve been a little disgusted with myself. Recent karate posts have been all mopey-like. I’ve been feeling incapable and undeserving of my brown belt. I’ve been feeling like a black belt is so far away, and that’s all I’ve been focused on when at the dojo-the end goal. I made a conscious decision to knock it off. If I don’t have the confidence yet, I’ll at least fake it and see how that works out.

Well, faking it did this amazing thing. . . it actually started to feel real. I went to karate class tonight with the attitude that I was going to walk in there and nail each kata, that I was going to be in control of my punches and kicks and not just go through the motions. I wanted to go and just be completely "on." And on I was. I decided I need to stop worrying so much about what other people think about me and just concentrate on what I think of myself. I’m not going to be able to do my kata’s the way my instructors who have 10+ years of experience do. That is unrealistic. I’m going to do my kata’s the way I should be doing them and work on making them even better.

Karate was a variety of review and new material tonight. During the kata’s I already know, I worked hard on the little details. I thought about each little thing like the level the punches should be at, the angles I should be on, how high my kicks should be. I took a much more introspective perspective tonight and I really liked it. It felt like "me time" again and that always feels wonderful.

I feel like I’ve been in a rut for the past few months, like I haven’t really been feeling it and this rut has gone beyond karate. I feel like this lack of confidence has affected other aspects of my life. Some people in my life have been saying anything they want to me or about me, without any regard for my feelings, and it’s going to stop. I’m tired of being nice all the time and not saying anything back. That’s going to stop too.

Karate is much easier and more fulfilling when I concentrate on me and my journey.

And like karate, my life is more fulfilling when I’m not worrying about what other people think about me, when I feel free to say how I feel without someone criticizing me for my feelings. Life just feels better when I’m concentrating on the relationships in my life that are important to me. If a relationship isn’t a healthy one, if it’s one-sided, if it’s only really on the surface, it’s not really a necessary one. I’m getting rid of the baggage and lightening my load so to speak. I’m getting rid of the doubt, and the relationships that aren’t working for me. Just saying that feels fabulous.

I’ve been trying to get this point across to Big I. I’ve told her that she doesn’t need to be friends with everyone. I told her that there are probably a handful of kids that are going to be really good friends to her and those are the relationships she should be concentrating on. She doesn’t have to be friends with everyone.

She keeps coming home from school and telling me how "Sara" was being mean to her. The next day she comes home from school and tells me that now "Sara" is being nice to her. She doesn’t understand it and frankly, neither do I. At first, I thought it was just Kindergarten. It’s the age. Five-year olds are fickle. But I’ve since realized that people don’t really change.

Those little arguements and stupid things just become less about crayons and playground games and more about politics, relationships, or other issues. The really important thing is to be confident in who you are as a person. It doesn’t matter what "Sara" says or does to Big I. If Big I is o.k. with who she is, then it’s going to roll off her shoulders. I also told her to beware of people who can be nice one day and mean the next. They’re not true friends and not worth her worrying about.

People sense when others can be taken advantage of, manipulated, or disrespected. It’s the same reason why predators go after certain types of people. They don’t pick confident people who walk with their head high. They pick those who appear vulnerable.

I haven’t listed any 2007 resolutions because I typically break my resolutions three days after the fact. Giving up potato chips and chocolate is just not a scenario that makes me feel comfortable. So, I’m not going to call it a resolution. Instead it’s a conscious decision to do two things that I’ll also encourage Big I to do:

Have more confidence. If you don’t have it, fake it until you get it.
Choose to focus on relationships with people who respect your opinion even when its not their own, who allow you to be yourself (whether that "self" is bitchy, ranting, complaining, whiny, sad, upset, hurt, happy, etc.). . . people who genuinely care about your well-being.

I think this will make a world of difference at the dojo and in my life in general. Without the burden of keeping up with relationships that don’t work, Big I and I will both have more time for the things and people that really matter.

Now delurk already! Apparently, it’s International Delurking Week or something and you’re legally obligated to at least say "hi."