December 6, 2007
Stupid is as Stupid does
In the interest of needing to know everything there is to know before my appointment with my surgeon tomorrow, I was doing a little "research" on the internet. I’ve read countless ACL surgery journals, warnings about not having the surgery, warnings to have the surgery, and have seen plenty of pictures that made me feel like I was going to pass out, come to, and go right back out again.
Do you recognize me? I’m the patient who comes to the appointment with 15 print-outs from the internet, medical studies, photos, personal accounts, and 138 questions, all of which I want answered in explicit detail. I’m the Need-To-Know-EVERYTHING girl, even when knowing everything will probably only makes me stress out worse.
In the interest of convincing myself that I don’t need to have surgery, I spent all day yesterday convincing myself that I could live with the irritation and discomfort. "Hey, look at that! I just turned and my knee didn’t give out. I’m still getting better. I don’t need the surgery."
It was then that I did something really dumb.
I was standing in the kitchen and I thought that I would slowly, carefully walk through a kata or two to see how it went. Would my knee feel stable? Would it hurt? I had to find out.
I made it through Nai Hanchi Shodan and Nidan just fine. Wansu was even o.k., if you keep in mind that I kept my stances short and didn’t have all the right angles in my legs. I thought I’d try Seisan. I was over confident, c-stepped and when I pulled my back foot up into stance, it felt like I left the lower part of my leg a foot behind me. It hurt so badly that I couldn’t even scream. My kids just stared at me as I stood there willing myself not to cry. The pain was excruciating.
There is absolutely no way I can return to the martial arts without having something done. If I can’t c-step, I can’t do kata. It’s just that simple. Would a brace be able to completely prevent that from happening? I just don’t see it.
Genius that I am, I did something else really dumb later in the night. Mr. BBM went to bed early and I was left alone with my computer and worry. When Project Runway was no longer on to distract me, I started googling again.
When I was newly pregnant with Big I, TLC’s Birth Story became my favorite show. I wanted to watch c-sections, natural deliveries, epidurals, and any possible complications. I wanted to be prepared for anything. Watching all those births made me realize that I wanted a natural delivery, and that’s just what I had, twice.
However, nothing could have prepared me for what I saw when I searched on YouTube for "ACL surgery." I made it through about 30 seconds before my stomach started reeling against the offending video. The surgeon was poking holes into a seemingly lifeless knee that made me equate it to carelessly punching holes in paper. The way they were moving his knee, how rough it looked, all the equipment and some poor guy with tubes sticking out of his mouth. . .I had to turn my head away and turn it off. I put my head in my hands and willed myself not to cry.
Seeing that disturbing footage put out there by a surgeon as he explained the surgery made me think about a line I heard while watching "Grey’s Anatomy." The residents were discussing Orthopedic surgery and equated it to carpentry. The person that wrote that line is so right. Knee surgery is like carpentry, and my leg is probably going to be the "wood."
When I was trying to think of a name for my blog, almost two years ago now, I contemplated "Green Belt Mama" because that’s what I was at the time. I thought about "Brown Belt Mama" because that’s where I was heading. Both of those titles though, were only a stop along the way for me. They didn’t have long-term go power. I kicked around the idea of "Karate Mama" as well, but settled on "Black Belt Mama" because that was my destination; and it had a catchiness that I liked and thought people would remember.
Lately I’ve been thinking that renaming my blog to "1st Kyu Forever" would be more fitting. This is going to be more than a dreaded layover at a crowded airport, or a temporary detour that gets you home 10 minutes later than usual. For now though, I’m going to try not to worry about all of that. Instead I’m just going to continue to stress about tomorrow. One hurdle at a time.
***The latest post is up at The BBM Review. If you’re looking for a good family movie to watch, go and check it out. Make sure you enter the Baby Jamz contest too.
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Things You Could Care Less About
That’s right. You need to take it one day at a time. If it’s any assurance, my instructor has had both ACL/recontructive surgery on her knee AND reconstructive surgery on her shoulder. You need both to be any kind of athlete, let alone a martial artist. She’s now a 4th degree black belt, working towards her 5th degree. And she got sidetracked too, due to her shoulder surgery, but she’s finally back up to speed. The point is, if you want to make it happen, it will. I also workout with people who are in WHEELCHAIRS and walkers (due to CP and other ailments) and they have their black belts. In fact, tonight I’m going to a black belt testing for a friend who is increasingly moving from her walker to her wheelchair (she has CP, and she’s 23), and she’s going for her 3rd degree black belt. She’s had CP all her life, and has had many surgeries and such so that she can mobilize the way she does. Has that stopped her? Not at all. Heck, she’s even the women’s World Champion for several years in a row for black belt physically disabled in our brand of TKD. I’ve also known one or two ladies in our school who have survived cancer (really bad cases too), and are black belts (2nd degrees) as well.
So, the point is that it’s not a race. Do what you need to do, because whether you do karate or not, you want to be able to use that leg for a LOOOOONG time! But if you make it a point that you want to achieve that goal of getting your black belt. You WILL do it. I know it’s so close that you can taste it– I know that feeling. But let me also tell you that once you get to your black belt, and you continue to pursue your 2nd Dan, it’s like starting all over again. Really. So, don’t stop believing that you are going to get it. It’s just going to take longer than you expected. You know you are capable, it’s just your body isn’t cooperating. Listen to your body, and eventually, it will listen to you again.
Now cut that out! You’ll be back. I’d stake my life on it, I really would. Hey, according to my sensei, humans have wood points, earth, fire..etc. so maybe it’s not that odd. What would you tell your girls if they were faced with an obstacle that was seemingly unsurmountable? That’s right. And I can’t even spell ‘unsurmountable’ but I know that a black belt delayed will not be a black belt denied in your case. BBM FOREVER!!
Hey there BBM,
Relax. Remember what Mr. Miyagi said in The Karate Kid: “Karate is here (points at head) and here (points at heart). Karate never here (indicates belt).” As long as you keep a Black Belt attitude, it won’t matter what you wear around your waist–as long as it keeps your pants up (also from Karate Kid).
Black Belt is going to be the start of a new journey for you, so don’t worry about arriving there so much as keeping up your spirit (remember Nintai?). This ACL surgery and recovery is one more step along your path–meet it as you would any other challenge. To paraphrase (a.k.a.) a proverb: “The journey of a thousand [hours of Karate practice] begins with a single [successful ACL surgery and recovery].”
Keep your composure, and maintain your focus. Thoughts and wishes to you. Osu!
And you’re absolutely right. One thing at a time. Since I’m feeling particularly quote-y today, “Take care of the days, and the years will take care of themselves.” Do take care, BBM.
Just wanted to voice my support as well and to tell Mr. BBM to take away your youtube.
You will get through this, you will get your shodan, you will make it. I know you will.
You will get there. Over the course of your whole life, the length of time you spend recovering from this surgery will seem but an eyeblink.
BBM,
Yeah, those surgeries are brutal. It really is like being in a wood shop. But you don’t feel anything.
You know, the main part of my cancer surgery was done with a chisel. As in, they took a sharp chisel like I used to use to cut wood to install deadbolts, and a hammer. After they peeled back my face, they chiseled a bone out of my face. That is a gross thing. I’m glad I was out!
You know what looks worse when when you see the videos and sure feels a heck of a lot worse during the ordeal…?
Labor.
And you made it through that no worse for the wear. Actually, judging by pictures of your kids, I’d say you came out pretty good. (#):)
All I can say, BBM, is if you ever get a knee or hip replacement, do NOT, on your LIFE, watch the surgery.
I watch surgery videos for fun, and joint replacement squicks me out.
Deep breaths. You will make it through this, and you will come back stronger.
I once told you we were alot alike except you’re tall. LOL Now I now we’re alot alike. I am that patient with the internet printouts. I’m also the novice Karate student with the internet print outs. I was the new mom with “What to Expect…” tucked under my arm all the time, the novice sewwer (I put an extra w in there because otherwise it would be sewer!!!!) who sat in front of the PBS sewing programs, the daughter of a new dialysis patient who had to know all about the dietary restrictions and special recipes, etc… Some people say too much knowledge can be dangerous. I disagree. It’s better to know as much as you can than to have something done and then to not have known something that could happen until it’s too late to base your decision on that factor as well. You will be a black belt. You’ve just got a long road to recovery ahead, but once you do, you’ll get right back on the horse…or should I say the horse-stance? Keep doing those katas in your mind until you can really do them physically. You can do it, BBM – we all believe in you and you need to believe in you, too!
BBM I ate a lot of crow on my surgery. Part because of my army medic training I thought I knew it all. Then I started googling and thinking about how they had to literally cut my throat to remove the bum disc.
All I did was get my myself worked up. If you must read make it anything NOT related to medical operations. Martial arts, knitting, politics, whatever!
Leave the medicine to the experts and listen to them. e.g. after surgery I over-compensated because I was so scared I’d blow another disc. I ended up atrophying my neck muscles. If I would have listened to the PT I’d have recovered much faster than I did.
~BCP
I think it’s great that you go to your doctors armed with knowledge. I know they hate that but our health is really our responsibility. Good for you girl!