August 12, 2010

Facebook is Like Mustard and Other Reasons I’m Not Ready for Fall Semester

I need to get my syllabus ready for the fall semester and I haven't done it yet. Procrastination becomes me. Here's the thing though. I have good reason for procrastinating and being a little bit scared of what's to come this semester.

Each summer, I spend several days during freshman orientation, reading abysmal essays that make me want to laugh and cry, sometimes simultaneously. The good ones are few and far between. It's amazing how clueless students can be without an open word doc in front of them. Some of them have such horrible handwriting that it's not even possible to give the essay an accurate read. But I always leave each reading session with a list of "greatest hits" and I'd like to share some of them with you.

This year, students were asked to respond to one of three questions. One asked students to discuss Facebook and whether or not they feel Facebook needs a new code of conduct. Another question inquired about how students think the oil spill should be dealt with and handled by corporations. The last question asked students to discuss standardized testing and whether or not they feel tests are good representations of intelligence.

As I'm sure you can guess, most of our essays were about Facebook. We actually got to the point, during our third session, where we divided up the essays and tortured ourselves with the Facebook ones first. They lacked critical thinking; in fact, most lacked any and all semblance of thinking. Here are some of the "best of" examples:

Best use of two words that are not the actual words intended: "I was up hauled that Facebook didn't have a better code of conduct." Um-hmm, that would be appalled.

Best use of a misspelled rock: "Don't take anything for granit."

Best example of logical thinking: "One of the biggest dangers of online activity is that you might encounter some "unfriendly stalkers." Yeah, you don't really need to worry about the friendly stalkers, just those pesky unfriendly ones.

Best use of food to get point across: "I donut know how I feel about this issue." Someone was hungry.

Best invention of new time period: "I can't stand it when people act like a pre-Madonna." Hey, at least this student knew to capitalize Madonna. And for all of you who were not certain before, we have BC, AD and now PM (pre-Madonna) time periods.

Most startling revelation:"If Facebook were banned, people would have no way to connect with friends." True enough, because we don't have anything like phones or mailboxes where people could connect. And interaction in person? Nah, that wouldn't work.

Best first sentence: "To begin with, I am choosing essay number 3." The essays were lettered.

Best use of patriotism: "The attacks on 9/11 couldn't break our seals. Us Americans came together." Yep, our seals are patriotic animal folk. They rose above and helped "us Americans" by clapping those silly little flippers and barking us right back to normal. 

Best person to write a new code of conduct for Facebook: "Facebook should make you don't write no threats." For real people.

Best way to get put in remedial English: Write a killer good essay and then on the front of your booklet, fill in where it says "subject" with the word: "writting."

Best invention of new words: nototion and vestate. Huh?

Best phonetic spelling (or something): suppost (supposed), sorce (source), awial (awhile), and pedafiles (pedophiles), precousious (precautious), oppurinity (opportunity). There were just too many awesome examples to choose only one.

Best combination of words: "everywhichway"

Best new inventive use for a word: "Facebook allows you to meet new people to a certain decent."

I have to say though, that my favorite essay of the entire summer, took a giant risk by comparing Facebook to mustard. Anyone want to guess how those two are alike? Go for it. Think like an incoming freshman and knock my socks off.

 

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Posted by on August 12, 2010 in Back in the Classroom | 33 Comments

Comments

33 Comments on Facebook is Like Mustard and Other Reasons I’m Not Ready for Fall Semester

  1. Marguerite on Thu, 12th Aug 2010 11:07 pm

    2. Oh my gosh!! And here I thought my daughter’s boyfriend (they’re Sophomores in high school!) had spelling issues!!! Thanks for sharing that, BBM! I needed a giggle tonight!

  2. Vaughn on Thu, 12th Aug 2010 11:10 pm

    3. Both have too much flavor and readily stain?

  3. www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1234137332 on Fri, 13th Aug 2010 12:03 am

    4. Hahahahaa! Ok, as painful as I’m sure this is was for you as an edjumacater, this was hilarious! It makes me sad however to think the future might very well be exactly like the movie “Idiocracy” Classic blog.

  4. Megan on Fri, 13th Aug 2010 2:07 am

    5. I, for one, clearly remember the world P.M. And it was a time when we thanked our Lucky Stars for any Holiday because the whole world was Like a Virgin touched for the very first time and we all wore our bustiers under our shirts and we lived without black rubber bracelets and floppy bows on our heads. It was a bleak time – those PM years.

  5. Ann on Fri, 13th Aug 2010 7:53 am

    6. SCARY!!!! I teach elementary school and I cannot tell you the hours that go into- Do NOT start an essay with “My topic is…..” GAH!

  6. pat parker on Fri, 13th Aug 2010 8:00 am

    7. obviously facebook is like mustard because mustard is like, the ultimate condomint! You can smear a little mustard on a nasty old soy burger or an 88 cent pack of hotdogs and you don’t need anything else for make a great meal!
    Likewise, Facebook condomizes people’s friendships. And don’t forget that quote from the bible about a face like a mustard seed! You can keep a friendship with someone who has a face like a wrinkledy old mustard seed easier with Facebook than you can having to actually hang around them.

  7. Black Belt Mama on Fri, 13th Aug 2010 9:14 am

    8. Oh Megan, I should have had you help me write that post. LOL.

  8. Black Belt Mama on Fri, 13th Aug 2010 9:15 am

    9. Oh, it condomizes alright! LOL.

  9. A on Fri, 13th Aug 2010 10:22 am

    10. facebook is kindoflike mustard ’cause it ‘pices your life!

  10. Somer on Fri, 13th Aug 2010 10:45 am

    11. I feel so sorry for you for having to go through that sort of torture. I know this post is meant to be funny, but I DID NOT LAUGH because it really does floor me how people can make it past a certain grade level and have writing/spelling skills that terrible. In your place, my head would have slammed into my desk hundreds of times during the course of reading those essays.
    You brave, brave woman! šŸ™‚
    And really, I have no idea how Facebook is like mustard. Personally, I find mustard to be a wonderful and diverse condiment. Facebook is not. Facebook is a soul-sucking corner of the internet that once was fun and now is full of trolls and stupid ads.

  11. Bob on Fri, 13th Aug 2010 11:19 am

    12. I was pretty sure you teach at a university, but I went back to check your “about” page thinking, dear God, please tell me she’s teaching junior high or high school. Alas.

  12. Megan on Fri, 13th Aug 2010 11:55 am

    13. Condomizes friendships. That’s awesome.

  13. Black Belt Mama on Fri, 13th Aug 2010 1:43 pm

    14. Happy to help. šŸ˜‰

  14. Black Belt Mama on Fri, 13th Aug 2010 1:43 pm

    15. Interesting. . .

  15. Black Belt Mama on Fri, 13th Aug 2010 1:44 pm

    16. Yeah, it’s funny until you start thinking about the future. Then it gets VERY scary.

  16. Black Belt Mama on Fri, 13th Aug 2010 1:44 pm

    17. I used to teach 9th and 10th graders. They simply don’t retain information, it seems.

  17. Black Belt Mama on Fri, 13th Aug 2010 1:45 pm

    18. Good one. . .

  18. Black Belt Mama on Fri, 13th Aug 2010 1:46 pm

    19. I meant it to be funny, but trust me when I tell you that in just a few short weeks I’ll be spending my evenings and weekends drowning in horrible papers. It won’t be funny then.

  19. Black Belt Mama on Fri, 13th Aug 2010 1:46 pm

    20. Yep, university. Sad but true.

  20. tricia on Fri, 13th Aug 2010 3:50 pm

    21. If you put an “e” on the end of mustard, Facebook and mustard have the same number of letters.

  21. Claudia on Fri, 13th Aug 2010 9:44 pm

    22. Facebook is like mustard; you know you shouldn’t use it, it’s just going to leave a bad taste in your mouth, but somehow, it just draws you in anyway.

  22. Avitable on Mon, 16th Aug 2010 12:56 am

    23. I use Facebook to ketchup with my friends.
    And these are great – I would suspect they were fake if you weren’t the one writing the post, because they’re so perfect!
    I’m also weeping for the future of humanity.

  23. Black Belt Mama on Mon, 16th Aug 2010 9:32 am

    24. Oh no, they are real. Very, very scary and real. And I have more. . .

  24. Steve on Mon, 16th Aug 2010 11:42 am

    25. Being dumb is starting to be the popular culture these days.

  25. Faiqa on Mon, 16th Aug 2010 5:14 pm

    26. Ohmygoodness!! I’m tweeting this post.
    Is it mustard because some people like it and some people don’t? Please tell me that wasn’t it, so I don’t have to lie awake at night wondering about how I could possibly have enough in common with these folks as to have come up with the correct answer.
    I’d be just… flabergasstet.

  26. shiny on Mon, 16th Aug 2010 5:23 pm

    27. I’m more of a Dijon Facebook kind of guy, though — not as much into the Honey Facebook…

  27. Megan on Mon, 16th Aug 2010 9:39 pm

    28. Facebook brings people together the same way mustard brings a sandwich together?

  28. Black Belt Mama on Mon, 16th Aug 2010 9:51 pm

    29. Oh Faiqa, read it and weep. šŸ˜‰

  29. Black Belt Mama on Mon, 16th Aug 2010 9:51 pm

    30. That is creative. Like it lots.

  30. defendUSA on Wed, 18th Aug 2010 4:38 pm

    31. I am going to post this on my FB as a note…It is too funny not to!! Of course, BBM gets all the credits and the rest of my friends get to laugh, and be glad they are not in college anymore!!

  31. Zara on Tue, 24th Aug 2010 9:04 am

    32. Man, that was hilarious and very sad at the same time. No wonder Americans are generally considered stupid by the rest of the world (stupid until proven otherwise): if you cannot even master your own language how on earth are you going to learn or say anything worthwhile? Then it again the public schooling system in the US is very poor but I guess that’s what you get when you eliminate all traces of critical thinking from the curriculum (yes, blind patriotism is all that matters), chronically underfund them and value sports over intellectual achievement (ever hear of ‘mens sana in corpore sano’?). The irony is that America also has really top tier universities (6 of the 10 best universities in the world are American)… The US of A: a nation of extremes.
    As to the question: I’m a little low on inspiration but here goes. They both spice up your life? They both leave a foul taste in one’s mouth? They should both be used as an add-on rather than the main event? Both should be made illegal due to public health considerations? They’re both products of mass-consumption? Ah well, I tried.
    Regards,
    Zara
    PS: surely these people were refused admission into college?

  32. Zara on Tue, 24th Aug 2010 2:46 pm

    33. Btw, I didn’t mean to imply Americans are stupid per se (every nation has its geniuses and idiots), just that that’s the perception. A long while back I met Chris, an American who worked here at a high tech firm and he’s a very intelligent guy and most interesting to talk to (he had a university education and traveled widely so he was quite open-minded). What frightens me a bit about America is the willingness to just accept whatever you’re told and the plain disinformation that’s propagated in the media like the supposed presence of WMD’s in Iraq which was the pretext for a completely unnecessary war. I read a while back a little more than 12% of Americans actually believe Obama is a muslim while he regularly visits a protestant church and it’s clear as day these are just lies to tarnish his reputation. That someone’s religion is even a factor in what is supposed to be a secular nation is very odd for Europeans, as are other American peculiarities such as the obsession with guns and violence. That obviously stupid, prejudiced and ignorant people like Pailin and Bush can actually have a thriving political career and are taken seriously would be unthinkeable here. I don’t dislike America, quite on the contrary, but I sometimes wonder about the mentality of a country that to date is the only superpower left. Ah well, this was quite off topic… My apologies.
    Zara

  33. Zara on Tue, 24th Aug 2010 6:52 pm

    34. Starting?

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