March 20, 2009

Trust Your Gut: Keeping Safe in an Unsafe World

Years ago I read Gavin de Becker's book "The Gift of Fear." If you haven't ever read it, you really should. I had seen him on the Almighty Oprah and listened intently to her interview with him. He talked about the presence of a sixth sense, and said how when something is wrong, people can sometimes pick up on it if they allow themselves to trust their gut. He said that women have an uncanny ability to do this, and that it is largely responsible for saving the lives of many women who have been in bad situations and figured a way to avoid or get out of it, simply by paying attention to that inner voice.

This week, my inner voice was talking loud and clear to me while at the grocery store.

I was at the grocery store during the middle of the day with Lil C. One might think that the middle of the day is a safe time to go grocery shopping. However, when I was pregnant with Lil C, a woman was abducted at 3:30 in the afternoon from my previous grocery store. Two men approached her in the parking lot, held a gun to her back and told her to get in the back seat of her own car. They then drove her around for nine hours, showing her off to their friends, as if she were some type of trophy or something. After nine hours, they parked the car and walked away, never to be caught. She was shaken, but physically unharmed. It terrified me because this was also around the time that the news media was buzzing with stories about crazy people cutting babies out of women's stomachs. Needless to say, I made Mr. BBM go to the grocery store for a while after that and I was even more aware than usual of my surroundings whenever I found myself in a parking lot.

This week, I was hyper aware of a young man who seemed to be following me around the grocery store. The thing that brought him to my attention, besides the fact that I could literally feel him looking at me, was the fact that my cart was loaded with groceries as I grabbed a couple things from each aisle. He lacked a cart or even a basket and instead just carried a bar of soap and deodorant around the entire store.

It seemed odd to me that I was running into him in each and every aisle when these were the only two things he was going to buy. Something was definitely not right. I kept my purse tightly on my shoulder, and my cart right with me at all times. I made sure to make eye contact with him a couple times. I wanted him to know that I was aware of his odd behavior. He would always look away quickly, but yet there he was, in the next aisle.

As I finished up and picked a checkout aisle, there were several aisles open around me. Yet, despite a full cart, he got in line behind me. There were at least three other aisles where he could have checked out faster. I was starting to get nervous.

Then it got worse. I noticed another young man, dressed much like the guy behind me, standing out in the grocery store lobby. He was holding the pay phone in one hand and staring into the store in my direction. My checkout girl was taking her sweet time, plus they had to run a check on one of my products, yet the guy still stayed behind me. I kept an eye on the guy in the lobby and noticed that despite the fact that he was holding the phone receiver to his mouth, he wasn't talking at all.

I turned around and looked at the guy behind me again. I wanted him to know that not only did I realize he was acting strange, but that I suspected something was up. I gave him a steady look. I also wanted him to know that I would be able to identify him if he tried anything.

Meanwhile I was trying to figure out what exactly I should do. Usually when I'm at the store, there's a very nice guy who takes care of the carts who will offer to walk out with me and help load my car. He's a total sweetheart and I looked around for him but didn't see him anywhere. It figured that it would be his day off.

Then Lil C made the announcement that she had to go to the bathroom. I finished checking out and asked my checkout girl if she would keep an eye on my cart. I parked it at customer service and took Lil C to the bathroom. I figured it would give me time to think and the guys would maybe disappear.

While walking Lil C to the bathroom, I questioned whether or not I was overreacting. But all of the things together seemed very odd. I decided I was being rightfully cautious.

We finished in the bathroom and I walked back to the front of the store to get my cart. The two guys were nowhere to be found. I had a brief moment where I allowed myself to believe they were completely gone; but I decided I still needed a plan.

I got my car keys out, jammed a long pointy key between each of my knuckles in my right hand and made a fist. I put my thumb nail on the panic button for my car alarm. I was prepared to land that fist in someone's throat if I was threatened and in danger. I told Lil C I was going to put her in the car and that I needed her to get herself buckled quickly. I waited until I saw a big non-suspicious looking guy walk out of the store and went right behind him.

I comforted myself with the fact that I had parked right in front of the store, only four spaces away, and that there were plenty of people buzzing around. I also know though, how quickly things can happen and that often, people don't want to get involved.

I took a good look around the lobby, saw neither of the guys, scanned the parking lot and didn't see them there either. I thought it was a good time to go.

I walked quickly, making sure that I was constantly scanning the area, even behind me. I unlocked my car with the automatic key opener, quickly deposited Lil C in her seat, threw my purse in between the seats, and closed and locked the doors. I took another look around, and that's when I saw him.

The guy who had been on the phone was now standing outside the store. He was looking right at me. I met his eyes, and didn't take them off of him as I made my way to the back of the car. My heart began to pound, yet I knew what I was going to do if my suspicions were correct. I unlocked the trunk with my key instead of unlocking the entire car, jammed the keys back in between my fingers, and began loading my groceries. I called to Lil C to get buckled and she said she was ready to go. I didn't take my eyes off of him while loading, except to quickly scan the other directions to look for the other guy.

I unloaded the groceries, shut the trunk and locked it. I always park beside the cart return so I don't have to walk far from the car, so I pushed my cart in and quickly got in my van and locked the door.

Without wasting a second, I started the car and took one last look at the guy before backing out. I kept my eye on him with my rear-view mirror to make sure nothing suspicious was going on. I didn't want to be followed. I drove home a different way, keeping my eye on the cars behind me. When I was convinced that I wasn't being followed, I went home and pulled in my garage.

It had been a completely nerve-wracking visit to the grocery store. Usually the most stressful thing I have to deal with is keeping Lil C from jumping out of the cart and gorging herself in the cookie aisle.

Was it possible I was overreacting a bit to these two guys and their intentions? Maybe. But I would much rather be prepared for anything and have nothing happen, than be the Mom in the parking lot who is caught off guard.

So what are some things that you can do to protect yourself in these types of situations? There are lots of things you can do, things that I do every time.

Always make sure you walk with confidence:There was an article on AOL the other day about how muggers pick and choose their victims based on how they walk. Walk with your head up, don't be distracted by your cell phone, IPOD, or by digging in your purse. People who walk with confidence and meet other people with eye contact are less likely to be attacked.

Be aware of where you park: People who forget where they park and spend time wandering to find their car, people who park in areas that are not well lit, and people who park in areas where there are places where people can easily hide are more likely to be targeted. I always try to park as close as possible to the store, in an area that is well lit and easily seen by many people. I also have a thing about parking next to creepy looking vans, work trucks, etc. I just don't do it. You have seen Silence of the Lambs right?

Be aware in general: If something sets off your sixth sense, it's wise to pay attention. It's also wise to scan the parking lot as you walk, letting everyone in the area know you are alert and aware.

The Key Fist: If you don't know how to throw a good punch, learn how. A good well placed punch if something does happen is a wonderful thing. A fist that contains a key between each knuckle and then aimed at the neck or eye area is golden when it comes to a true threat. Having your thumb on the panic button for your car is also a good idea. Talk about a rude awakening for someone stupid enough to try something against a woman armed like that!

Trust Your Gut: If you think something is suspicious, don't dismiss it. That feeling may just save your life. In hindsight, I probably should have asked someone from the store to walk out to my car with me. I did make sure I was walking out with a big non-threatening looking guy though when I did finally make my move to the parking lot. But don't feel silly if you feel threatened. Most grocery stores are happy to provide customers with a little help getting to their cars.

Always Have a Plan: Sure, you can drive yourself nuts, being paranoid and overreacting about each and every person who is slightly suspicious. But if you create a general plan of action for these types of circumstances, you won't feel so freaked out if and when you do need to set a plan into action.

Don't Linger: Once you're in the car, lock the doors immediately and GO! Women who linger in parking lots make themselves targets. Parking lots are not good places to mess with the stuff in your wallet, make a quick phone call, or fix your make-up. Almost every self defense expert I've ever heard talk about this has said that women spend a ridiculous amount of time in their cars before they actually turn the key and leave. Don't dilly dally.

Lock the Doors: This is just plain common sense. Don't ever leave your car unlocked, not even to drop something off in the post office. Never leave your doors unlocked. It's an invitation for trouble.

Never Go to a Second Location: Gavin de Becker will tell you this and so does everyone else who knows anything about self defense. Don't ever allow yourself to be taken to another location. If things get bad and you're being attacked and abducted, your survival rate drops drastically if you let them take you to another place. Fight as hard as you can, remembering that the groin, eyes and throat are fantastic targets. Scream for help and instead of just screaming "help," scream what's happening. "He's trying to take me and I don't know him." "I'm being attacked. Someone call the police and help me!" Make yourself impossible to ignore and never give up.

For more information about Gavin de Becker, his tips and books, go here.

What other things do you do to protect yourself in the parking lot?

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