October 16, 2011

Look Out, I’m Swinging Back

I feel like the mood swing queen lately. On Thursday, I was all wrapped up in a positive attitude. This morning, it seems to have disappeared along with the warm weather. When I woke up this morning, not in labor, it struck me that I am now only 4 days out from a hospital induction, 4 days away from being 42 weeks pregnant. When Fly-girl (formerly Big I, a change at her request to represent that she is quite the little butterfly swimmer) asked me this morning if I felt like I would have the baby today, it was all I could do to make it to the bathroom before bursting into tears.

I feel like my body is failing me. I keep wondering if, because I’ve been induced twice, my body just expects it to be that way again. Maybe my body’s natural ability to get things rolling doesn’t work anymore. My evening primrose oil is gone; so is my red leaf raspberry tea (my third box of it). No amount of walking, pressure point hitting or consuming of supposedly labor-inducing foods and supplements is doing a thing. As each day goes by, I’m getting more and more concerned about the labor, how big this baby will be, if I can make it through without him destroying me in the process and of course, the baby’s health and well-being. I know that there are certain risk factors that go up after 41 weeks. I’ve read all I care to read about meconium aspiration. I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I’m getting a little worried.

Last night, I was having some stronger contractions but they still weren’t getting closer together or getting more intense. Then I started having hot flashes. I’ve been having them since Friday. Of course, I consulted almighty Google to see if this can be a sign of early labor and it can be. However, this morning, I’m more convinced of the fact that I could be simultaneously pregnant and starting to go through early menopause.  I’ve had so many signs that labor is right around the corner. . . and then they disappear. It’s getting to be really emotionally and physically exhausting.

In addition to all of that, I’m starting to feel like I’m going to get robbed again. With Fly-girl, I was scared into having an induction that was largely unnecessary. The entire labor experience was full of unpleasantness and threats of a c-section by my doctor who clearly would have rather been sleeping than be inconvenienced by me. The experience, although it ended with a healthy baby, left a lot to be desired. I would have done a lot of things differently, which is why I decided to go to a midwife with Sassy.

I had planned on an out-of-hospital birth with her, but gestational diabetes robbed me of that. Although my midwife did a wonderful job of trying to insure a birth experience in the hospital that resembled a birth center birth as closely as possible, it still involved an IV port that was annoying and painful, pressure to get Sassy her first vaccine in the hospital and a fight to take her home when the midwife said we could go home on the same day I gave birth, and the old-school pediatrician disagreed.

This time, I was able to avoid the gestational diabetes and despite the fact that this pregnancy was largely unplanned (although not unwelcome), I felt like it was my opportunity to get the birth experience I always wanted: a birth center birth with as little intervention as possible. I can feel it slipping through my fingers now as Thursday evening looms so soon in front of me.

If I do end up at the hospital, I’m six years older than I was the last time. I keep telling myself that I won’t allow a pediatrician to reduce me to tears (even with all the postpartum hormonal issues); and if my baby and I are fine, I’m getting us out of there as soon as possible. I’ve been trying to convince myself that being induced at 5 p.m. instead of in the morning, is a good thing. Yeah, I’m going to be exhausted, but my midwife will probably be there the whole time, not stuck in office hours at the birth center while she’s updated of my progress via the phone like last time. I can try to find the silver lining, but right now, I’m feeling upset, angry and like Thursday will be here all too soon. I really hope I’m wrong.

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