October 20, 2010

The Married Dating Woman

Yesterday, I was driving Sassy and her friend to preschool when I heard Sassy whisper to her friend, "My Mommy is dating someone else's husband." I nearly wrapped my car around a telephone pole.

I most certainly am not! 

"What did you say?" I asked her.

"Nothing," she blurted out way too quickly.

"No, seriously, what did you say?" I asked her again.

"No seriously, nothing," she said. 

And then her friend said, word for word, exactly what I thought Sassy had said. 

"Sassy, why would you say that?" I asked her. 

She said nothing. Until we pulled into the parking lot and were getting out of the car. That's when she quietly whispered the same thing to her friend again. 

"Sassy Middle Name Last Name! Do not say things like that! They are certainly not true! Mommy doesn't 'date' anyone. I am married to your Daddy!"

She gave me a look like "Yeah right" and I contemplated NOT taking her into preschool. I don't exactly want her spreading this ridiculous nonsense around. Soon I'll be the preschool pariah mom, which is not exactly what I had in mind.

After I dropped her off, I called Mr. BBM and told him what Sassy had said. 

"Did you ask her who you're dating?" he said laughing.

"No, I didn't even think of that. I was too shocked that she would even say something like that and more than once!" 

A couple week ago, my Mom took Sassy out for donuts. It was during their breakfast that Sassy leaned across the table and said "You know, Mommy and Daddy broke up. They totally did." My Mom was completely shocked and then assured Sassy that was not the case. It didn't stop my Mom from telling me about it and asking me what was up later in the day. I mean people are doing these whole "undivorce" things. Anything is possible these days. I assured my Mom that Mr. BBM and I had not broken up and that Sassy probably overheard a conversation we were having a few days prior with Big I. She had asked if we had even broken up and we told her about the 24 hour period we had broken up one time in college, before Mr. BBM came crawling back to me (I like that part). She is the master of eavesdropping and misconstruing things. 

So I picked Sassy up from school and got her buckled in and popped the question.

"So, Sassy, remember how you said Mommy is dating someone's husband?" I asked her.

"Yeah," she said, "you are" she added for emphasis.

"Well who do you think I'm dating?" I asked her. 

I expected her to mention my neighbor. The two of us had taken our combined four kids out to eat one night when we were both single-parenting one night. We spent the night talking in half sentences thanks to multiple interruptions and trying not to step on the thousands of popcorn shrimp that made their way onto the floor. It wasn't exactly date worthy. Then again, we're both married and were in parenting survival mode, so I doubt that ever crossed either one of our minds. We are friends and we were hanging out, the same way I went to dinner and was hanging out with his wife and kids the week before. 

So I was especially shocked when Sassy said, "You're dating that swim coach's husband. You know, Big I's coach, that older one? You're dating his husband." 

He happens to be a straight, married man. I've spoken to him on exactly two occasions. 

I called Mr. BBM and told him he better call a divorce lawyer. Clearly, I have issues. Serious, serious issues. 

And I'm about to be the pariah of both the preschool AND the swim team. I now totally understand those sticky granola bar commercials where they're feeding the kids to keep them quiet. I need to get me some of those stat.

Where does she get this stuff?

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