March 8, 2010

Finding the Good Again

On Friday, my grandmother went to her doctor's appointment as scheduled. When they couldn't find a pulse or a blood pressure, they told my Mom to take her to the ER immediately. My Mom tells me now that she thought it was over at this point. I met them in admissions at the hospital and kept the two of them company while we waited for a room for my grandmother. She said she was feeling better. My Mom said she looked better.

She spent the entire weekend in the hospital. After giving her a drug to reduce the fluid in her lungs, she was breathing easier and feeling better. She wanted to go home. At 92 years of age, she is mentally as sharp as ever and smarter than about 99% of people I know. She also always tells me my hair looks pretty. My grandmother is cool like that.

On Sunday night, after a country club event that I had hoped would be so much more, followed by a birthday party for my friend and fellow warrior who has just had a relapse of lymphoma, I went to visit her. I was going to cheer her up. She was going crazy being in the hospital. Instead, it was her supporting me. We talked about mean people and she told me not to get down. She reached for me and hugged me tighter than she ever has and I let out a breath and simultaneously began to shudder and shake and sob on her shoulder.

I just can't imagine a world where my grandmother doesn't exist.

Today they sent her home from the hospital after taking a blood pressure reading of 91 over 50. They sent her home with oxygen, but no additional drugs to treat her pulmonary hypertension. I don't understand why they won't treat her and the only thing that I could think today when they sent her home is this. . .

They sent her home to die.

They wrote her off because she's 92. My grandmother still lives independently with my grandfather. She is an amazing woman and I can't imagine why they won't prescribe her a pill that could help her feel better.

Tonight I went to a board meeting and I'm fairly certain I went what could only be described as ballistic during one topic of conversation. I can't say for certain that I wouldn't have reacted the same way if I didn't have so much else going on in my head; but when I started on my little tirade, I could barely make myself stop. I am completely exhausted and feeling like a caged animal. I want to lash out. Tonight I think I did. Unfortunately, it didn't make me feel any better.

Last week, my dojo family raised hundreds of dollars in just a couple of emails for our friend, for his battle with lymphoma once again. This is the goodness I'd like to see happen in other areas of my life, and at the club where there are factions that seem to be just waiting for you to fail so they can say "I told you so."

Everyone should know the goodness that exists in a supportive hug from a grandmother you can't bare to lose, the goodness in a group of people who rally around one of their own to lift them up in support and help. It's becoming quite clear to me that my personal focus needs to change and shift. The things that are truly good in my life have taken the back burner and it's about time that changes.